Wednesday, April 30, 2003

So, we've got some new "most annoying commercials" that come on during the day here at the office.

-- The Foxwoods Casino commercial: This one has been around for a while, on both TV and radio, and I've hated it since the beginning. This nasally man sings these terrible lyrics about meeting "where the trees are standing tall" (that's in the longer, more tortuous version) for "the wonder of it all." They've kicked it up an annoying notch and made a non-lyric, Muzak-y version, but as Tonya says, you can still hear the lyrics in your head. So it's just as bad. "Spin the wheel, Round and Round we goooooooooo!" Let's live for the wonder of it all folks, because it's annoying as hell!

-- The "be careful because governmental cutbacks might close some hospitals" commercial, that shows this woman running down the street in slow motion, a kid in her arms. I'm guessing the kid is sick because she gets to the hospital and there's a sign that says "emergency room closed." You then see the kid's teddy bear fall to the ground, which is kind of macabre, because I'm guessing we're left to a assume the kid died from lack of medical treatment. But the worst part of the commercial is the music. It's this woman "Woooooooooooo" ing the whole time. Very morbid. But it makes us laugh, oddly enough. Whenever I hear the wooooooooing (or Tonya imitating the woooooooooing, which she does quite well) from my cube, I have to ask "Is she still running?" and Tonya or my partner will respond "Yep, the hospital's still closed." I mean, you'd think she'd get the point after a few visits, right?

-- The Man of Lamancha commercial. Oh boy, this one is actually annoying and fun, too. The old one was just two of the main Broadway actors singing the big showstopper, which was just, UGH. Now, they've got the "Let's ask the audience as they're coming out of the theater" thing going on. What gets me about this is that a friend of mine did one of these things in college, and got PAID LOTS OF CASH for her opinion of the play she'd just seen. So when all these people are like "It's fantastic!" I just shake my head. Yeah, 1000 bucks is pretty fantastic! But this ad has this kid, who's like 12, and was probably dragged to it by his grandma (who was hoping for a granddaughter, with whom she'd spend every birthday at "the theater", then to Bergdorf's for some shopping, but she disappointingly got a grandson who'd rather go to a Knicks game and the WWF restaurant). Anywho, the kid is all like "Man," looks down at his feet "It was great." His lack of enthusiasm gets us in the funny bone every time.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Switching bedrooms with Carolyn wouldn't help matters. She was woken up this morning not by her alarm clock, but by the sounds of, well, bumping and grinding from the guy in the room above her. Not that these guys aren't allowed to live their lives as they want. It's just that this apartment building SO needed thicker walls and wall-to-wall carpeting.

After Sasquatch went to bed, it was hard for me to fall asleep. I was kind of pissed at the book I had just finished, a sequel to a really great predecessor. The book ended kind of cliche, and it inhibited my ability to sleep. That and the heat, since I don't have a screen and can't open my window yet. I'm very mellow now from lack of sleep, but I can feel the crankiness setting in. It's going to be a long day.
Please note the time of this post. 1:30 a.m. Why am I awake you ask? Because I have a Sasquatch desparatley in need of a ritalin and carpeting living in the bedroom above mine. I attempted to go to sleep two hours ago. Without fail, Sasquatch, a.k.a. Nervous Nelly, pounds his way into his room, barefoot on the hardwood floors five minutes later. He decides it's the perfect opportunity to ransack each and every drawer he has, opening and slamming, opening and slamming, only to pound and thump his way back out of his room. Two minutes later, more opening and slamming, and more manic pacing. This has gone on for the past two hours, accompanied minutes ago by the sound of his baritone voice, to which I can only assume meant he was on the telephone. He pulled this last night at 3 a.m., but I was able to fall back asleep easily, knowing that I didn't have to get up early this morning. I have my ceiling fan on, as well as a stationary fan on full blast and I can still hear him. I have tried earplugs on the other many occasions he is in Pacing Mode, but alas, the sound of feet on hardwood floors and slamming cannot be blocked out, even if I had telephone poles in my ears. I tried moving to the living room, and to my horror, he decided to come out and pace the vast expanse of his uncovered living room floor while on the phone. So I am back in my bedroom, thinking i just might have to switch bedrooms with Carolyn who can sleep through just about anything. Yes, I'd give up my private bathroom for a decent night's sleep 7 nights a week. But with my luck, he'd decide to switch bedrooms too. Just to keep me from my sanity. Before you know it, he'll take up the fiddle or blast Yanni like my last living-below-someone situation...Uuuuugggggghhhhh.....

Thursday, April 24, 2003

OK, so while I don't mind Kelly Clarkson, I'm really not liking Miss Independent. Why? It basically misues the word Independent. It basically says that this woman who dubbed herself Independent only did so because she didn't want to put her heart on the line and fall in love. Um, yeah. Instead of Independent meaning you can pay the rent on your own and not need someone to hold your hand when you go grocery shopping or you can fix the toilet yourself, it means "Love need not apply." I consider myself Independent, but according to this song, that would mean I'm a frigid bitch. OK, maybe not that extreme, but you get what I'm saying. As an only child, I've been Independent since an early age and I'm proud of it. And I like being single because I don't believe in forcing relationships just to be in one. But that doesn't mean I lack the ability to love a man. So whoever wrote this song, shut up.

Plus, Kelly has a great voice and I think she fell into the trade-voice-for-selling-ability trap with this song. But that's just my opinion.
The NY Press also rocks, for condeming the Voice for being so greedy with a freaking word, and not really having a legal leg to stand on.
I have gotten the gift that shall give me the best revenge possible against the loud exploits of my neighbors -- a karaoke machine. All I have to say is, Dexter and Vicki rock!

And the birthday gods rock, too, because Carmen is gone and the Yankees won.

It's Take Our Daughters/Kids/Whatever to work day, and I just realized it would've been perfect to bring The Chicken today. This one girl on the Path train was secretly giving someone the finger this morning. I swear, she was like 11, listening to her walkman, and every now and then, she'd put her hand out and extend said middle finger, giving someone a dirty look at the same time. I wasn't sure if it was her sisters, her dad, the lady sitting next to me, but she was pissed off at someone. Hey kid, you're not even in the working world yet -- calm the hell down!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

A few things I found on this site that happened on April 23rd:

1903 New York Highlanders (Yankees) win their 1st game beating Washington Senators 7-2

1954 Hammerin' Hank Aaron hits 1st of his 755 homers

Born today:
1564 William Shakespeare Stratford-on-Avon England, bard (Hamlet, MacBeth, Julius C├Žsar)

1928 Shirley Temple Black Santa Monica CA, child actress (Heidi)/ambassador (UN)

And what has to be the funniest of them all: 1952 Tony Maselli (fictional character on "Who's the Boss")
Hi! It's me, The Chicken. I am taking over Karen's duties for the day because she's 26 and old and is busy screaming at Mother Nature for providing a winterlike birthday. But no matter, I am here now.

I'll bet you're all wondering what I thought of American Idol last night. Well, I don't like Diane Warren songs so that tells you right there. Even I, The Chicken, could write her stuff. I was very happy, however, that the contestants didn't choose I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing or Because You Loved Me. Maybe I will become a songwriter when I retire from bringing the Yankees good luck...Oh, calm down. Like I'd ever retire from that gig.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but why does everyone who isn't a Yankee fan consider the Yankees evil? To say the Yankees are evil is to say their fans are, too. And I am not evil. Only to my neighbors when they've been too loud and I'm trying to sleep, but other than that I'm a nice Yankee fan. What about the Braves? Are they not evil for their tons of pennants and stupid tomahawk chop? Of course not! They've only got one championship in the past 10 years to their credit, and Atlanta is such a loveable, hugable town!

I think what I'm tired of most is the whole Twins/Yankees scenario, that small market clubs are the David to the Yankees' Goliath. As I said to my dad the other night, shouldn't all the baseball owners be like George and WANT to spend money on their team (minus the pyschoness sometimes)? Yeah, I know, resources, small markets, etc. Then how about the league only approves the sale to someone who can AFFORD a franchise? George built the Yanks with his own money and he's reaping the benefits. Now, I don't exactly like the man's crazed tactics sometimes (This weekend's shenanigans and pissing off Torre are a prime example), but he does what every owner of any sports team should theoretically do -- want to win, and be able to provide that. As for the players, with the exception of a few hotheads, I think my team is nice. So poo-poo on you if you think differently.

And George, apologize to your manager and make it right. Joe's half the reason the Yanks are considered "evil", and god knows we could use his "evilness" around here for a long time.

Oh, and my new favorite commercial is Continental's Work Hard, Fly Right campaign. Fans are supposed to vote for which Yankee they think works the hardest, and a voter will be selected to fly to a Yankee game outside NY. It's funny because you see the Yankees doing joe jobs around the stadium, while in uniform -- Clemens mows the lawn, Bernie's selling soda, Ventura cleans out the bathroom, Mariano is a popcorn seller. It's classic.
If the friend was so much smarter, why didn't he just get on the show himself? God, people make life harder than it has to be sometimes...

Friday, April 18, 2003

Good Friday is becoming one of my favorite days in New York. It seems like the city is at half its population, which makes for a way easy commute. But I'll pay for it on the train tonight -- it's usually worse than any Friday in the summer. Sigh.

And I don't know who is making dresses today, but I've bought two in the last week that have to be taken in in the bust region because Dolly Parton is apparently the new fitting model for my size. I've never had this problem before, and I haven't lost weight, so I'm guessing designers are making stuff for the implant gals. Because the dresses I got were in a size 4 and 6 and they fit my average-sized waist just fine, but I would need at least a D cup to fill these things out properly. Maybe we've got straight males designing dresses now, envisioning their fantasy big-boobed, tiny-waisted ladies wearing their creations and this is the result. Ugh.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

The Chicken wasn't feeling so good this weekend. But he's quick to point out it wasn't SARS.
American Idol: What. The. Hell. I'm throwing out the conspiracy theory I've been blabbing all day: Simon made that extremely mean comment to Carmen to get the sympathy vote out for her. He knows viewers love to backlash against whatever he says, so I'm sure when she finished mewling and whining her way through the song last night, he realized the only way to save her was with meanness. Plus, they're pairing her with Clay every chance they get -- make it look like they're together and make America think their male sweetheart needs her by his side or he'll do badly. This. Show. Bites.

And is the Bachelor on speed or what? He's pretty damn hyper tonight.
The Daily News has rated their top 100 moments in Yankee history. It actually made me realize what my favorite moment has been in my time as a Yankee fan (since I wasn't alive for Gehrig's speech or anything before 1977 for that matter), something I've never been able to pin down before because there have been so many -- Leyritz's homer in Game 4 of the 1996 World Series. Never in my life have I seen something and actually KNOWN it was going to be a turning point at the moment it happened. As soon as the ball was gone, and the game was tied, the confidence the Braves had stolen from me (and every other Yankee fan in my dorm) came roaring back -- even though it was only Game 4, the game was only tied at that point, and the Braves had a 2 games to 1 advantage. That whole series was probably one of the most amazing things I've seen, but that moment truly sticks out.

A close second is Tino's grand slam in Game 1 of the 1998 World Series. I know it was the Padres, and they swept them and all, but before Knoblauch hit the 3-run game tying homer earlier in the game, I wasn't sure what could happen. That's because it was 1998, and at that point people were saying they couldn't be considered one of the greatest teams of all time because they didn't have a superstar (can you believe that?) and I figured if they kicked ass in the Series, they'd be taken seriously. So when the Yanks fell behind (and I had to listen to it on the radio, while riding in a big Buick back from Youngstown, Ohio after covering a football game, not in front of the TV where I really wanted to be) I got all prematurely pissy and pouty, but by the time we'd cleared Maryland, the Yanks had come back and I was ecstatic again. We were at the corner of South College Ave. and Park Place in Newark, DE when Tino hit the grand slam, and I knew everything would be OK at that point. Six days later I went to the victory parade in NYC. I never doubted them again. Thanks, Tino. You too, Chucky.
So, last night Tonya, her roommate Julianna and I took advantage of the nice weather and headed out to Yankee Stadium. Tonya and I got there first, and boy were we surprised when our grand total for three tier tickets was 15 bucks. I ask you, when was the last time you went to a sporting event for $5? Yeah, I don't even think minor league games I've gone to have been that cheap. So it's a nice change of pace, especially coming from the Yankees.

The funniest events of the evening:
-- This fat, grody man with his drunk friends climbing past us mutters to his pals "Beautiful ladies, I'm sure they're diehard fans," and his voice was dripping with sarcasm. Holy Mary Mother of God was it so hard for me to not stand up and throw him down the steps. Asshole. He and his friends got on everyone's nerves, though, because they got really plastered and were really loud. Gee, I'm SO sure real diehard fans go to games and get so loaded that they don't even know what's going on...

-- After Julianna pointed out the big moon rising over left field, it made me wonder aloud "Can we actually say we're caught between the moon and New York City?" Tonya got a kick out of that.

-- The Dunkin Donuts Subway race. Now, they've been doing this thing for years on the JumboTron with different sponsers. We've got the 4, the B and D racing against each other to get to the Stadium in time, when "Uh-Oh, the 4 is slowed down by a jelly donut on the tracks." I didn't really hear it at first because it was so loud -- I thought the announcer man said it was slowed down by a JUMPER on the tracks. Tonya said that's a sign I've been living on the East Coast too long, but when I found out it was a jelly donut, I had the giggles all night. I'm still laughing about it. I mean, how does a jelly donut get on a subway track???

-- Cracker Jack replaced by Crunch and Munch in the upper deck. I kid you not, there was no CJ to be found, but the vendors were pushing the CM pretty hard. This is wrong on so many levels, most of all being if you sing "buy me some peanuts and Crunch and Munch", like we sarcastically did during the 7th Inning Stretch, it just doesn't work. Shame on Yankee Stadium for that.

-- And the Yankee player photos on the JumboTron are still priceless. The expression on their faces, the positions they're in, it's so cheezy it makes for good laughs.

Oh, and if Carmen isn't voted out after last night's perfomance (she had to choose the most maudlin, lifeless song in the Billy Joel songbook?), there is something wrong with this country.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Oh man does this article disturb me. People seem to think the evil ban on smoking is to blame for the recent death of a bouncer in NYC. And that the smoking ban is indirectly making people violent. While it probably is contributing a bit, what the hell? Sure it probably sucks to have to keep vacating to get a nicotine fix, but kill someone over it? I'm sorry, if you're that addicted to smokes you should be getting help. And then they're blaming it on people being really drunk to begin with, like the drunk who gets way too angry at some guy accidentally bumping into him isn't quite as dangerous as the drunk who gets way too angry for being told to keep it down when he's smoking outside. I'm sorry, a drunk asshole is a drunk asshole is a drunk asshole.

I'm going to say it right now -- I hate obnoxious drunks, violent drunks, idiot drunks, basically anyone who didn't take and pass How to Hold Your Liquour 101. I've discovered the reason people get this way is because friends in the bar-hopping posse allow it. "Oh, you were so funny when you threatened that bartender! And then you almost kicked that girls' ass, you go!" Yeah, this has been going on in every bar across the country since god knows when. So I find it hard to believe it's the cigarette ban that's making these people violent, when they were pulling the same crap over some other petty issue ("That bitch looked at me funny! She's totally disrespecting me and I'm so gonna punch her.") six months ago.
I think I can definitely get behind this

And is it me or does this joke make absolutely no sense -- How many Hoboken residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. There aren't any lightbulbs in Hoboken. Huh? Is this like one of those jokes from the 30s or 40s where only the older generation gets it?

Thursday, April 10, 2003

I was feeling very conflicted when I read this story. Then I remembered Susan and Tim cheering on the Yanks in a recent World Series. Suddenly, in 2000, they were diehard Met fans during the Subway World Series. The reason the Hall shouldn't honor them isn't because of their political remarks, it's because YOU CAN'T BE A YANKEES AND METS FAN AT THE SAME TIME. And don't give me this "rooting for New York" crap. You can only do that if you're a fan of NEITHER team.Celebrity sports fans.Ugh.

And I'm beginning to think The Bachelor sounds like William Shatner as Captain Kirk or when he does the whole song reciting thing. His speech is just waaaaaaay too formal. Before you know it, he'll be smoking and sweating and reciting Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

The coolest things about the home opener, as seen from my couch:
-- Challenger the eagle -- he should totally get his own plaque, nay, a monument in the Stadium for all the luck he's brought them.
-- Robin Ventura and every other player cuddling with a hot water bottle at some point during the game.
-- The Grand Slam, of course. How can you not root for Matsui?
-- The drunk college guys dancing and waving around a Godzilla doll.

Yesterday, Dexter and I were discussing the plight of the TV sitcom, basically how no new sitcoms have been good. He told me that many Ivy League graduates go on to write sitcoms and several online stories back that up. Now I totally get it. Because you need some kind of diversity to find big laughs, be it background, race, gender, etc. to find something original, and how is picking from two schools (Harvard and Yale are the biggies) going to get you that? There are no funny people to come out of a, gasp, state school? One of the stories I read said that the Harvard Lampoon writers are practically headhunted. So it's the only humorous piece of writing in the United States? At the risk of sounding whiny, it's kind of unfair.

Most of the "funny" stuff on TV right now is PAINFUL. The shows are either dumbed-down (maybe that's what they think of us all?) or just unoriginal. That said, I just read that The Simpsons has had more than 20 writers from the Ivies, but that's only one of like 5 sitcoms on the air right now that are actually funny. And while there are probably some great writers to come out of Harvard and Yale, I just don't get why others aren't given a chance. I'm not exactly sure how a $150,000 education makes you funny, but there you go.

Sunday, April 06, 2003

So I’m a bitch. Let’s say I’ve been sick since Friday, complete with chills, body aches, sore throat, congestion and a nice fever. Let’s say I’m pissed because I have tomorrow off, my class starts tomorrow night and I have plans to see the Yankees on Wednesday with Tonya, so I want to get better ASAP. Let’s say Des had to get up at 6 a.m. this morning, losing an hour’s sleep due to the time change, and go to work for 12 hours.

Now let’s say the guys upstairs (who seem very nice under normal, sober circumstances) decide to get nice and loaded and come home as loud as can be at 4 a.m. Let’s say they decide to blast their music as if they were having a rave in their apartment and let’s say they decide to scream and yell and wrestle and slam dance and drop furniture (or at least that’s what it sounded like) on the hardwood floors. Let’s say it wakes up me, even though it’s going on at the other end of the apartment, and let’s say it wakes up Des who 1) had taken Nyquil and 2) can sleep through fire alarms. Needless to say, you had two unhappy chicas this morning.

Des had to leave for work at 6:30, so she got royally screwed by this. When I got up, I decided it was time for another round of Revenge, KB Style.

Let’s say that I woke up at 9:30 and spilled water all over my bed which I had to use the blowdryer for. Let’s say I’m really cranky now that I’ve had a bad night’s sleep and can’t breathe out of my nose. Let’s say I choose 10 a.m. as the perfect time to blast Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” at a volume level of 25, speaker’s turned up toward the ceiling. And let’s just say the screeching guitar riffs at the end have never made me more happy, especially when I hear the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP of male feet waking up above my head. I only let it go one song, because that was enough for me and just enough to wake them up. I only wish I had done it at 7 a.m. Next time, I’ll make sure I have some opera handy…

Thursday, April 03, 2003

Yesterday, somebody in the baseball business kind of pompously told me that baseball is nothing like corporate America, implying that it's more stressful or something. Like we cubicle dwellers are all so pampered behind our desks, mixed drinks in hand. I couldn't think of a comeback at the time, but I'd like to address it here.

When I hear the term Corporate America, it usually comes out of the mouth of someone who has never been part of Corporate America. That said, I don't think I have, either. I've been employed in publishing since college, which doesn't seem corporate to me for some reason. Maybe it's because the word "corporate" inspires suits and briefcases, big meetings, high tension, overhead, lots of suicidal cocaine addicts, etc. But for the argument's sake, let's say I'm corporate.

This person seemed to think that dealing with crazy atheltes was a much different ballgame than dealing with crazy co-workers and overly self-involved writers. Sure, maybe people I've worked with aren't making in the millions, but I'll bet I've seen some attitudes that could probably rival the big sports world primadonnas. I've worked extremely late hours, I've dealt with complete idiots, I've gone days without stopping for lunch, I've worked for crap pay -- just like those in behind-the-scenes sports jobs.

I've dealt with athletes and their sometimes not-so-nice demeanors in college. It comes with the territory. And there are regular everyday people who can be idiots like that. So I don't feel sorry for the people in sports jobs if this is what the big difference is between a corporate job and sports job.

There. I feel better now.
That's it. I'm tired of drama queens and drama kings and martyrs. Ya'll can kiss my ass.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Oh, to be rich and not have to worry about salary...

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

I've fashioned a paper napkin into a sling for the little Derek Jeter ornament (which I use as a computer topper) a co-worker got me as my Secret Santa gift. Let's see if anyone notices...
After Jeter got hurt, Des suggested that the Yankees would get together and give him a get-well card. Here's what we think they would say:

Dear DJ,
Feel Better Soon!
Love and Friendship, Bernie

Derek,
It will be lonely without you on the left side of the infield. You complete me.
Robin

Derek,
Sucks to be you!
Raul

Dear Derek,
Vaya con Dios. Tu eres un shortstop exelente.
Alfonso

Derek-san,
Happy Birthday!
Hideki

Yo, Derek,
Chicks dig injuries! Tell them you fell off your motorcycle.
Rock on,
David

Mr. Derek Jeter,
You are hereby cut from the team. This is what you get for all those late night parties. Find your own medical insurance.
George