Saturday, December 31, 2005

Weather, Stop Being Flakey and be Snow Flakey

You know, weather, you really are a big pansy ass. I mean, you give us snow lately, and lots of it, but it's not, like, really snow. It's the wet, doesn't-really-accumulate-because-it's-still-kind-of-mild kind of snow -- like, you may as well just make it rain. If you're going to waste your time producing all these original design snowflakes, at least be a man about it and have it, like, really snow and accumulate. This kind of snow is just dreary and depressing -- you can't play in it, and since it's still kind of humid, you get a bad hair day as a result. What fun is that? And If you're going to make the sidewalks slippery, at least give me a big pile of snow to break my fall with. So grow some balls and give us the real thing, not this cheap imitation of the white stuff you've been providing the past few weeks. It's the least you can do since you've decided it's got to be cold outside for the next three months....

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Misty Water Colored Memories

Well, I'd certainly say 2005 was a busy year. There was great joy, there was nagging pain (thanks, Yankee pitching staff); there were a few engagements (Hollis and Chris, Carolyn and Rick), a few weird breakups, and my bizzaro crush to end all pop culture crushes. New friends were found in a field of cubicles and old friends found new ways to surprise me. There were some way awesome Monday night dinners and some fantastic Friday night Season Ticket games. There were a few parties, a few new blog friends added to the roll call, some really great books that got read, some great television shows were viewed and some neighbors who decided to move out and break my readership's heart. In short, there was a lot going on. And since it's getting to be that time of year and I like to take trips down Memory Lane, I give you the Complete and Total Bisch Greatest Hits of 2005:

Yankee related:

It felt like it took forever to baseball season to finally arrive.....

Tonya earns the respect of Yankee fans everywhere by admitting she'd take one for the team and sleep with the enemy.

In which the Yankees look more like a street gang than a baseball team.

One guy's artwork is fodder for me to shit on -- especially because it's so bad.

It's Opening Night -- and Tonya, Julianna, Steph and I are there, freezing, rained on and loving it.

How close were we? THIS close!

I get mighty pissed at those booing Mo.

A-Rod has probably the best offensive performance I have ever seen from a Yankee in my lifetime -- and gets some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The Yanks stage a 13-run rally in the 8th, and I thankfully never turn my TV off before it happens.

The Yankee Diaries: The Danceoff Edition, in which Giambi gives the performance of his life, A-Rod and Derek have a tiff, and Matsui is just happy to be there.

I get mighty miffed at people who don't think Yankee fans are baseball fans.

One last look at a stat that will haunt The Cap'n not more, from right before he hit the granny.

A-Rod takes Schilling Deep, just as I'm texting Tonya about how ridonkulous Curtass' goatee looks.

The best regular season game I've seen in person, complete with 5-run 9th inning rally.

In which I realize what the baseball season should be about.

In which I let Dan Shanoff have it for saying the Yanks are toast.

I laugh back at Lupicass' writing off of the Yanks.

Tonya and I see what will ultimately be the last winning Yankee game of the year, with one of the awesomest crowds I've ever been a part of.


The Chicken imparts his wisdom to the lovelorn.

I get a little sad over A-Fed getting kicked off American Idol

Liana and Eric invite me to Boston and Fenway, and I miraculously come out alive

One of only six Yankee hats I saw in all of Beantown

Sasquatch decides he's had enough of me declaring revenge on him by blasting power ballads at 9 a.m. and moves out.

Chipotle, in all its degrees of hotness, is discovered.

The Hoboken Crew gets a little R&R at Jesse's beach house.


It gets just a wee bit toasty at the Weekly office.

I decide it's time to make a change in the job, and a bit of a risk moving to a start-up. It breaks my heart to leave Tonya, Steph and Erica behind, though Ken, Rana and Carolyn V are all at the new place to soften the blow, as are some new buds.

My new mag's launch party is a crazy night of drunken co-workers, hidden celebrities, a shit load of text-messaging and Constantine.

Const. does not show up at our Christmas karaoke party, however.

Tonya and I go to see the Eagles at MSG -- and make it totally about the Yankees...

...then see our idol Richard Marx at Westbury.

Erica joins me on a covert operation to see do a bunch of scary people we don't know.

And now for my favorite photo of the year:

Yeah, that felt good.

Looks like 2006 has a lot to live up to...

Feeling a Bit Wah, Wah, Wah Today

I'm going to feel a bit sorry for myself here for a bit. I don't do that, like, EVER, so kindly humor me for one post.

Lately it seems like lots of my friends are growing discontent with New York and threatening to get out of Dodge. Like, for instance, Jason walks in from lunch today and declares he needs to move to somewhere like Germany to escape the "rat race." While I think he was only half serious, shit like that kills me, as I've been conditioned to just expect friends to move away at some point. I've decided while most people have abandonment issues with family, I have it with buds. Not that it's anywhere near as serious as being neglected by a parent, but it does leave its mark on you for the worse. So, as I told Erica and Ken today at lunch (jokingly...I think): I am closing the doors to friendships with people who are from outside the NYC metro area, if only to protect myself from the sadness that comes when people decide to up and move to back from whence they came. Or move anywhere else for that matter. And even though being a Metro native doesn't guarantee a person staying around (see: friends born and bred in the area contemplating moves to San Francisco, England and Boston *shudders*), at least I know they have some kind of anchor to this vicinity that might weigh in the Metro Area's favor if they should be considering a move.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why people would want to move to where they are most comfortable (see: my four years in Delaware. It may be in the Philly media market, but it is SO not New York when it's October and your team is in the playoffs. Missing the NY atmosphere of 1996 and 1998 is something I really do regret a bit). And I am happy for my friends when they decide to go somewhere that makes them happy. But it sucks being the party left behind, and no amount of phone conversations and e-mails can make up for the lack of a pal who isn't within driving distance.

And no, it's not because I'm a self-centered only child that I feel this way. I understand people can't do things just to please me (damn it.). But since the first grade, it feels like every other year I lose a good friend to some kind of geographic urge to pull up stakes and make a home elsewhere; it's never some tertiary friend that I'd only be mildly bummed to see go. No, it's always someone whose void is accutely felt. Most recently it was Hollis three years ago and I still miss her like crazy. If Tonya decides to go back to the Midwest this year or Jason lives up to his threat to go to Deutschland, there goes two more awesome people from my everyday existence. And while I do have some of the awesomest friends on the planet in the here and now, even the absence of one of them is TOUGH.

So from now on, when I make a new friend, I am going to hand them a test that asks "How much do you like living in the New York Metro Area?" and "Are you planning to move more than 50 miles away anytime soon?" Yeah, yeah, tis better to have loved and lost, or to have made friends and lost or whatever, but I'd rather they stick around and see them often than lose them to seeing them only when airfares are good.

I just wish everyone could be as happy here as I am. That may sound naive, but is wanting these people (who add to that happiness) to stick around so wrong?


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Our God is an Awesome God

Get this -- our department has some secret, special powers, including being able to kill celebrities just by wondering if they are alive or dead and summoning Huey Lewis from iPods just by joking about him. Or it could be we just have a "pipeline to God" in our cubicles, in which we remind him that, you know, Mr. Miyagi is still alive and running on borrowed time or that Huey Lewis and the News' career needs a resurgence, and he'd be all (in his deep God voice) "Thank you copy department for reminding me." As Jason said, "That God would be awesome."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

*Rolls Eyes*

My 1 reason to hate New York Magazine's 123 things to love about New York.

Now if the Mets can avoid the joyless, championship-or-nothing paranoia that pervades the Yankees organization and become real pennant contenders, they’ll have changed the city’s baseball paradigm.

You know, I was going to have an opinion about this, but then I realized this just sounds like Lupicass lite, and my only response should be: Shut Up, New York Magazine.

(And way to represent all of NYC there, New York magazine. I suppose my No. 1 reason for loving New York, said team in Pinstripes, means I'm evil and joyless or something. Then again, I'm from Jersey, so what do I know?)

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Gift That Keeps on Giving


The Chicken just wanted to show off his Christmas gift from "Grandma and Grandpa" -- finally, a place to keep his extensive wardrobe! My guess is your closet is nowhere near as awesome...

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Stop Confusing My Chicken, Damone


The Chicken's all WTF? when he sees the clean-shaven Johnny Damon, tsking and rolling his eyes because he grew his own Charles Manson beard for nothing. He does admire Damone's bad-ass sideburns, though, and considers talking to his barber.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Get Yer Beard Here


The Chicken decides he, too, needs to look like a mangy beast, as this seems to be what catches George's attention. Anything to achieve his dreams of playing first base for the Yankees....

It's Probably Because It's Christmas and I'm Feeling Nice...

Hold onto the nearest stable object, kids, because I'm about to say something that might knock you over: I think has gotten better about their Yankee hating. I know. Not so much in that they've stopped producing Yankee bile (because as long as Jim Caple and the Sports Guy are on their payroll, that's never going to happen) but because they've finally gone and evened it out a bit by letting a non-Yankee hating columnist get a few words in edgewise. I mean, I don't agree with Bob Klapisch that Damone (yes, I am still calling him that) is going to be a "major spark" (because I don't think you can be psychic and say what a player will or won't do until he is actually doing or not doing it on the field from April-October, and don't feed me your sabermetrics/lifetime stats/projections etc., please. It's what you do in the here and now that matters to me. I'll remember your lifetime stuff when all is said and done, thank you very much, Scott Boras.), but I do like that they are actually letting a positive Yankee POV in there. Hell, I'd even take a non-positive viewpoint from Klapsich because I know he's a New York guy who may actually be informed about his Yankee knowledge, and not relying on some deep seeded hate to fuel his columns, as it seemed like for the past few years all you needed to be an ESPN columnist was to have a dislike for all things Yankee and you were golden. Not so much now.

In fact, over the course of the last year, I feel like they've made baby steps. Yeah, they still hate the Yanks on the whole, but they are letting some Sux hate filter in there from time to time too. See, I can take the hate, as long as there's enough to go around, you know? Now I just wish they'd find the time to start insulting/gushing over some other teams too. Aren't there 28 other clubs out there that the rest of America cares about? Isn't there a whole untapped market of fans just waiting to be pissed off? Because I know the hater-tots can be shared with everyone else. No need to be stingy.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Good Lord, Post, Don't Make Me Stop Reading You Too

I don't know how people even believe the shit they put in gossip columns anymore when the Post has this to say about my current place of employment:

Critics said that sales have been soft since the launch in October...

I'm not going to comment on the "sales being soft" part (*rolls eyes*) but I will say this: We launched in fucking August, jackass. Good lord, if you're going to make up shit, at least know something about the subject you're making up shit about. Or at the very least make your fact-checkers earn their salary or something novel like that....

Hair Today...


Since my first reaction when I saw the Yahoo headline "Yankees Reach Deal With Damon" was a bleary-eyed "Huh?", I give you some reactions by the people in my e-mail circles:

"What would Johnny do? Sign with the Yanks!" (college pal Ryan's reaction)

"DAMONE!!!!!!!!!!" (title of Steph's e-mail, as this is her pet insult name for him)

"I was joking with Erica that since Tino is gone I should adopt Damone whole-heartedly and cheer for/love him like I did Tino. But I don't think I can do" (Tonya, still working through her Tino heartbreak with humor)

"Appleseed is a Yank? Wtf?" (Melissa's text message to me)

"The Yankees got that Hippie from the Red Sox!" (Erica's Braves fan father's one line e-mail to his Yankee sympathetic daughter.)

"First it was Wade Boggs, then Roger Clemens, now Jesus himself just in time for Christmas!" (Jesse's response)

Eric, a Red Sox rooter, is very vexed with this right now and hopes we all don't go jumping into rooting for Johnny like he's our guy right away, like nobody in New York ever bashed him whole-heartedly before, and I can't say I blame him. I've never hated Damon (and I like him more than I ever did Clemens), as he was always respectful of the Yanks when everyone else on his team was trying to piss on them, but I never saw him in a Yankee uniform either. Especially after seeing how beloved he was in Boston. And I have questions about his arm. I guess I'm only glad this didn't cost us any prospects and it's only a four-year deal, not the dreaded seven year one. But the jury is still out on my end.

It's going to take some time for me to adjust to this. "Now batting for the Yankees, Number?? Johnny Damon."


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Strike This

My god, could my office have timed our holiday break any better? Because at least half of my co-workers wouldn't have been able to make it in because of this god damn transit strike -- and it's 22 f'ing degrees outside (with a windchill of 11), so people who are hoofing it in from the boros ain't exactly the most comfortable at the moment. I am sure Erica's love for the all things MTA is overflowing at the moment.

I don't even deal with the subway that much, but the fact that I've always hated the MTA (they cry for a fare hike, it goes into effect, it's later found out a fare hike wasn't necessary because they were cooking the books, and yet the hike still stays in effect -- Fuckos™) and what I think the Union is asking for is RIDICULOUS (I have friends in lots of industries, and NO ONE was ever offered an 8 or even a 6 percent raise -- and only a handful of people I know ever get offered a bonus, so don't give me that line of bull. And no one I know will get the option to retire at 55, so FUCK OFF transit workers -- I actually spat that at the TV this morning when they showed them picketing.) makes me want to find a way to erase all of them from their jobs completely and start from scratch. The lot of them have the city by the balls, they know it, and they can walk out/let their employees walk out, all the while whining about what the other side is or isn't doing, seemingly not caring that they have a fucking monopoly on transportation in NYC and people who need to get into the city to make their money or kids who need to get to school can't because of this. THAT pisses me off.

But maybe not as much as George Pataki and Bloomberg sitting back and not stepping in -- get your god damn political hands dirty, guys, and end this, you idiots.

All this has made me appreciate NJ Transit, and that's just scary.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

That's right -- the Copy Department rocks tha party that rocks tha party. Or so we can claim as today, we were granted the 50 dollar Starbucks giftcard when our cubicle area won the office decoration contest, staving off a late rally by Ken dressed as a pregnant Santa and our Beauty/Health department's song-and-dance routine. It actually had us sweating a bit because everyone was making such a fuss over the latecomers (remember, we decorated over a week ago, and lots of people only started decorating today). At one point, Rana was going over to talk to Ken and Art was like "Is she going to throw a bucket of blood on him?" because I think he knew what we were capable of anything at that point. Then the Judging Crew came around, while I was in the bathroom of course, and they were admiring the fact that we were all wearing holly-garland crowns (shut up -- it worked!), and when they asked if we had any final words to sell them on our area, Rana was like "we'll let the decorations speak for themselves." As they say on Family Feud, "good answer, good answer!"

We were made to angst ever so slightly as it took awhile for them to go around and check every area. Then we gathered in our conference room to celebrate the December birthdays, and then the bestest decorating proclomation. As our editor-in-chief ran down the list of honorable mentions, which first included Ken, and then the Beauty/Health area, I nudged Rana because that could only mean one thing -- and when our EIC was like "I think everyone knows who's going to win this...the Copy Department" and everyone cheered for us, well, it was quite a victorious moment. Because Copy Editors are usually (and mostly unintentionally so, it's not a malicious thing) a very over-looked department. And this time, by keeping our eyes on the prize, we came out on top and got noticed for something good instead of something like a missing comma. How's that for an underdog story, Red Sux?

A Phone I'd Really Like to Throw

Please explain -- what is the big fucking deal if Joe Torre calls a player to try and sell them on New York? Because if he hadn't everyone would be whining that the Yanks didn't "do enough" to get whatever flavor of the month people are lusting after. Why aren't people screaming that Jeter didn't do his part by inviting Nomar out to party? Or yelling at Moose because he didn't show Nomar that you CAN in fact blow off the NY media? Why is Joe Torre doing his part of the job worth so much fan bile? If you were looking for a job somewhere, wouldn't YOU want the dude who's supposed to be your supervisor making an effort to talk to you beforehand? It's been the standard procedure in any job interview I've gone on, but what the fuck do I know?

And also, the last time I checked, it's not Joe's fault Nomar LIKES SOCAL BETTER THAN NYC. What, is he supposed to re-write history and have Nomar grow up in Jersey instead of California? Is Joe responsible for the fact that Nomar has the presence of mind to know he doesn't want to deal with the New York media? Is Joe the one pulling the strings on all these deals and not, say, the rest of the Yankee front office? There is only so much he can say, people. The money isn't his, you know.

And let's not forget players have minds of their own, just like you do. If you're getting job offers from around the country, but you know where you're most comfortable, is it the recruiter's fault you end up somewhere else? Especially if you may have been using your other offers to drive up your asking price?

Right. Joe's just clueless and dumb and shouldn't be managing this team, because omygod, a fan could do it SO MUCH BETTER.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

A TurDuckEn in HoBokEN

"It's Christmas Day!'' said Scrooge to himself. "I haven 't missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can. Hallo, my fine fellow!''

"Hallo!'' returned the boy

"Do you know the Poulterer's, in the next street but one, at the corner?'' Scrooge inquired.

"I should hope I did,'' replied the lad.

"An intelligent boy!'' said Scrooge. "A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they've sold the prize Turkey that was hanging up there? Not the little prize Turkey; the big one?''

"What, the one as big as me?'' returned the boy.

"What a delightful boy!'' said Scrooge. ``It's a pleasure to talk to him. Yes, my buck!''

"It's hanging there now,'' replied the boy.

"Is it?'' said Scrooge. "Go and buy it!"

....Here's the Turkey. Hallo! Whoop! How are you! Merry Christmas!''

It was a Turkey! He never could have stood upon his legs, that bird. He would have snapped 'em short off in a minute, like sticks of sealing-wax.
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

So awhile ago Jesse started planting the seed that it would be awesome to try a TurDuckEn. And a few weeks ago we were all intrigued enough to decide to serve one at our Hoboken Crew Christmas dinner. Jesse took the reins and ordered it online and kept us updated of its whereabouts as it traveled around the country to Hoboken. Christina intercepted it on its delivery day, in all it's dry ice glory, and it was so big, it couldn't fit in the freezer. But the nice TurDuckEn people assured them that it was OK to keep in the fridge for a few days, as it needed to defrost anyway.

Since Liana and Eric have the biggest table out of all of us (Pottery Barn -- woo!), we decided to have our little feast at their place, with each of us bringing a side dish. Jesse lugged the TurDuckEn over this morning and when I arrived at 3, the bird had been cooking for a little over two hours. We didn't eat till 8, y'all. That's how much time this behemoth needed to cook. Here's how it went down via photos:

Jesse checks on his new friend, wondering where the hell the juices are. He soon finds them when he plunges a meat thermometer straight through the middle, and the thing starts GUSHING. It still has two hours to cook at this point.

See? It looks just like a turkey! Now you can say you've seen one if someone should ask!

The menfolk gather 'round in their meat-driven curiosity.

And this is what one looks like when it's cut in half (there are no bones inside). I know it doesn't look too appetizing here, but I found it very tasty and well-seasoned -- though I'm convinced there was more duck than chicken, which The Chicken was glad to hear.

We had lots of awesome side dishes and lots of alcoholic beverages and lots of f'ing amazing desserts. It was quite the feast, and because there were lots of friends, fun and memories around, it was certainly a finger lickin' good time.

God bless us everyone.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Paging My Male Audience

So, I recently saw the movie The Warriors for the first time and all I can say is: BWAH! Where has this movie been my whole life? It might just be the most unintentionally hilarious thing I've ever seen, perfect for watching with others and snarking left and right. I mean a gang dressed up as baseball players? A gang dressed up in leather vests and NO SHIRTS? HEEE!!!! But I don't think that's the reason the fans at imdb give it 7.3 stars and glowing reviews -- I think they take it seriously. I've also heard this is considered a "man's movie" so maybe I'm missing something? I just wanted to ask my male audience if you do like this movie, is it because it's so awesome in its whacked-outness or is there some deeper meaning that's going over my head? Please fill me in.

Fuck You, Lupicass

So for some stupid reason, I pick today to wander over to the Daily News for the first time in a LONG time today (I wanted to see if they had a transit strike front page since the Post sort of ignored it today), and I see this part of Lupicass' lede (the News posts these to "hook" you into reading the story, I guess)and if you ever needed any FURTHER proof that the man is totally an A-Rod hating psycho, I give you:

The Yankees better sign one of these guys, or Torre's postseason batting average is going to be worse than A-Rod's postseason batting average.

Can somebody of great journalistic rank PLEASE call Lupicass out on this? Because he's turned into this evil little troll that seriously needs to be knocked down a few pegs. The story is supposed to be about the Yanks not getting any deals done this offseason or something like that, yet he uses it as another chance to wipe his feet on Mr. Rodriguez. If any other columnist had written this I'd be like "weird analogy, but whatever" but since Lupicass has lost all credibility in my mind, this is just feeding that notion. And no, I didn't read the rest of the story -- the Daily News Sports section has become a total farce (hyping up the fact that the Yanks have done "nothing" when there isn't exactly much out there to begin with -- and no, I don't think signing Johnny Damon is the right thing, so I won't be disappointed if that "call" doesn't get returned). So if you see me make any mention of ever checking them out again, flog me.

But you want to know what the BEST part of this is? A-Rod's post-season batting average: .305. know the drill.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Shortstop Trine in New York?

The GQ boys of Baseball -- Nomar, A-Rod, and Jeter

Is it wrong that part of me wants the Yanks to pick up Nomar just because there was no chance in hell that these guys were EVER going to play on the same team together (you would've been dragged off to an asylum for even suggesting it) when this photo was taken? Also, you know George would bring in A-Rod and DJ for the Nomar-signing press conference, just for the photo ops alone, and that would be one backpage (who are we kidding -- if there's no transit strike or breaking news it would be a front page too) I'd need for my collection.

I'm not sure what Nomar still has left in the tank, but the fact that he had so many teams interested in him makes me think the scouts saw something there. I'd be willing to give him a chance in New York for the right deal, especially since it would be nice to give Jeter and A-Rod a day off in the field every now and then...with an All-Star caliber back-up. I know lots of fans are hesitant because of what he pulled the night of the July 1st game by sitting out and pouting, but then think about it -- Nomar has ALWAYS seemed like a classy guy (the only Sux guy I have never had anything bad to say about in recent years) and he was surrounded by guys who were...not so much like him (For example, I could never see Nomar taking pot-shots at A-Rod when he should've been savoring his fucking World Series ring, like some people we know). I know everyone thinks the Sux series run without him means he was a clubhouse cancer or something, but I see it as a guy who just didn't fit in with the in-your-face "working class" cowboyupness. I'd probably be pouting too if I had to work with Curtass.

So, yeah, if he ends up in Pinstripes, I'd be willing to take a wait-and-see approach with him -- because if he ends up having a mind-blowing year, it's good for the Yanks and it's a great comeback story for a decent guy. (And do you see how adorably happy the three of them look together? Squee!)


I am way too buzzed right now for a person who hasn't eaten dinner. But our office karaoke party was nothing short of awesome (hence why it took me 20 minutes to type this sentence). I left only because the room was starting to spin ever so slightly, and apparently I've missed Jason "dancing on a banquette" (the current trend for tabloid celebs) with our editor in chief -- damn!. And OMG -- I do believe Rana, Jason, Chris M. from our pull-out mag and myself screamed sang Take My Breath Away because Elizabeth had originally submitted Jason and Art's name for the song, but Art had to leave to catch his train and the rest of us didn't want to leave Jason up there by himself. I think we may have been inspiring -- lots of people sang along. Also, Jason told me his copy editor love for me was as deep as some river I couldn't hear him name so I supplied "As deep as centerfield in Yankee Stadium?" and he was like "Yeah! That deep!" and I think I told one of the guys who interviewed me that I was really, really, really happy with the job (I hadn't even touched a drink yet) and he seemed really happy to hear that, and Rana, Ken and I toasted to our leaping from one mag to another and making the most of it and then I remember Rana and Elizabeth singing Pat Benatar's "Invincible" and I acted raised my arms in the air like a hairband concert chick and almost took out some guy who was crashing our party in the process. I think I also lost my scarf at the party.

How in the name of hell am I getting up in the morning?

ETA: It's not the fact that you can "see our tonsils" (per Rana) that makes this photo so special -- it's Axl Rose's crotch lingering above our heads there (and it made an appearance in probably half of the 500 photos taken last night).


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Why Not Ask Tony Soprano to Play, Too?

I want to know why it's such a big f'ing deal if A-Rod plays for the Dominican Republic in this World Cup thing (as people were flipping out about this during the season, and it's the only headline I've seen about the WC so far), because ohmygod, he's really American, but nobody says boo about ALMOST THE ENTIRE ITALIAN TEAM BEING AMERICAN BORN. Yeah, it would be like me going over there to play for them because I'm half Sicilian. So how is it wrong for Mr. Rodriguez to play for the country of his parents' birth, and not for these dudes who are on this team only because their last names end in vowels?

This is where I think the tournament is stupid. If you don't have enough natural-born players from a country, like Italy, DON'T HAVE A TEAM FROM THERE. The Italians who actually, you know, live in Italy probably couldn't care less anyway. It was dropped as an Olympic sport because Europeans won't embrace it, remember?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tangled Up in Christmas

Because I couldn't leave my Derek Jeter ornament unadorned...


Monday, December 12, 2005

A Very Copy Christmas

Check it out -- a few weeks ago, I guess someone in my office must have bragged that they could decorate their cubicle the most awesomest for Christmas or something, because it was decided that we would have an office-wide decorating competition. The winner gets a $50 giftcard to Starbucks, which is always handy when half the people in New York survive on caffeine alone. Anyway, since we have a ton of wall space in my department, we decided to go in as a group threat, splitting the giftcard should we win. And the other day, we had a massive amount of down-time, so the decorating began in earnest:


This is the entry way into our area, and if you can see the god-like glow at the top of the photo, that's the glare given off by our icicle lights. They seriously added some really nice lighting effects into our florescent lit area (good call,Rana). We decorated some of the walls with the snowflakes that Rana, Jason and I sat around making out of un-used print-outs of pages with celebrities on them, as if we were in kindergarten. Rana made one that unfortunately cut-out Naomi Watts' stomach completely (but who can see the photo correctly when the paper's all folded?) and Art was like "this looks like something a stalker would make" so Jason tried to hide that one in the back. Actually, I think Art thought we were going to turn the place into something that resembled an opium den or something, because he kept glancing at our efforts warily. I think he was just scared that the rest of the office would be so jealous of our department's fantastic efforts that they would try to off us in some way (you think I'm kidding?).


Here we have my cubicle, where you can see the magical icicle lights better. Behind me is this door that's supposed to lead to the outside (I think it actually leads to a secret world, like Narnia, but it's sealed shut so we'll never know), and which everyone knocks on when they forget their key cards because they know we are a bunch of nice people and will let them in the other door nearest to us. Anyway, Rana decided we should wrap it like a present, but the door is huge and our paper didn't cover it. So we decided to make it a message saying our magazine "loves" something. We sat for hours thinking up things (Beard Papas cream puffs, Satan-transposed-to-be-Santa and "knockers" -- the key card forgetting kind, not the other thing. Get your mind out of the gutter -- were all nixed) before we settled on Chipotle. I'm telling you, it was a very slow day.


Those are the Christmas balls Jason bought and hung meticulously. He and I also climbed all over everyone's desks to hang the icicle lights, and I can honestly say I've never stood on my desk at work before. And everyone pretty much ignored us, because this is a celebrity magazine in New York and people have seen weirder shit that this. Maybe that's why Jason lamented that we didn't have any Manheim Steamroller on hand. Art's reaction: "Who's Manheim Steamroller?" Oh, if he only knew.

Anyway, when all was said and done, we had a pretty winter wonderland in our desolate little area. And the awesomeness DID scare people -- the photo department nervously scoffed that they wouldn't spend money to win a giftcard (and we all think they're lying and busting out with something later this week, but trying to throw us off, as photo editors are sneaky like that), and Carolyn V. sent Art an e-mail declaring war on our department (she bragged to Rana that she had the competition in the bag) and sent Jason a nice little note saying he sucks. I think she was only half kidding on both counts.

But it just goes to show you that the often overlooked copy department can channel Martha Stewart every now and then...and we're not even finished yet.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Does This Make Me Larry?

So there was just a lot of banging on doors and outdoor voices going on upstairs. And it's not even in the dead of night! I'm wondering how these guys can live together if they dislike each other so much...but I'm guessing if it keeps up, something's gotta give. Otherwise, I give them a lot of credit for staying somewhere so tense....

Will there be a recast in my neighbors' apartment? Will Chewboken be replaced by a similar looking guy with the same personality named Hobacca, a la Chrissy and Cindy?

When George Starts Signing Your Checks, Let Me Know

To all the people getting in touch with their inner-GM and screaming for Brian Cashman to make a trade so the Yanks can get a center fielder -- who the hell do you get to replace the guys you traded? Because any big-shot outfielder is going to come for the Wang and/or Cano price tag. And right there you lose not only two of the brightest spots to come out of the Yankee farm system in a long, long time, but you also lose your FOURTH MAN IN THE ROTATION AND YOUR SECOND BASEMAN. Who, preytell, do you get to take their places? And I know if the Sux somehow land Tejada, people are going to be throwing even more temper tantrums that the Yanks "haven't done anything" this offseason. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was about keeping up with the Joneses and not doing what's best for your team -- a team, I may remind you, that DID make the playoffs last year. And last time I checked, they lost in the first round not because they didn't have a "legit" center fielder, but because the entire team decided to slump at once....with the exception being Cano. And I don't know if the Yanks even make the playoffs without Wang stepping up big-time in the regular season. So, lay it on me -- who do you get to replace these two extremely valuable pieces of the puzzle after you've dumped them for a guy who's probably going to come here and play one season, not "adjust" to New York, and end up in a different uniform for 2007 (as is generally the case when the Yanks let go of a prospect to get a high-priced bandaid on their field)?

You know, as much as I love the hot-stove talk and the tossing around ideas as to what could help the Yanks win and possible trades, etc., I can't help but feel that in recent years, it's gotten out of control. Especially the second-guessing and criticizing. I understand where it comes from -- I mean, we all want to see the Yanks succeed and shut everyone the fuck up -- but I feel like it's gotten to a ridiculous level. I'm not sure if it stems from the fact that the Yanks were so successful for so long that I don't remember what it's like for fans to behave this way, or if maybe the internet has become a springboard for such demanding debate as it allows anyone with an opinion to put it out there without having to be a Lupicass or John Heyman, etc. I also wonder how much fantasy baseball factors into it, as I've actually seen people power trip over the success of their roto-team, and perhaps this makes some folks think they can run a major league franchise or something.

Now, don't think I hate the idea of criticizing Yankee moves or wondering what would make the Yanks better. (I do love, love, love Lupe's idea for David DeJesus in Pinstripes, for example, and not just because I think he's dreamy, but because she lays out a very well-thought out idea). But I don't like that people seem to think what goes on in Brian Cashman's office is so cut-and-dried. I mean, I question the teams motivations sometimes too, but I realize that I got my degree in English and not in business management with minors in MLB wheeling and dealing and stress management. There's a reason I'm a copy editor and not a Major League Baseball GM, and it's the same reason Brian Cashman has this job and the rest of us are fans -- because he's better at it than us. Shocker!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Are We Watching the Same Team?

Over at Bronx Banter today, commenters are flipping out over Bernie being offered arbitration. They all seem to think this means he's going to get a lot of playing time, when apparently one of the terms is a huge salary cut and yes, limited playing time. The Yanks want him in a "Ruben Sierra" capacity, which I see not as "A dude who can hit you a dinger in a pinch hit situation" but "A good clubhouse presence" (especially since Sierra started taking lots of young players under his wing). So what's the big f'ing deal? Especially if he's coming cheap? I feel like I can count on both hands the times we saw Ruben play last year, so no, I don't think Bernie's going to take playing time away from that second coming of Joe DiMaggio, whoever that may be, when all is said and done.

And yesterday, when it looked like Bernie wasn't coming back at all, I was trying to figure out if Bernie's number should be retired. I went over all his awesome stats in my head (many comparable to Jeter's, and if you ask anyone if his number will get retired, he's a lock) and this is the one that sticks out the most: 4th all time on the Yankees hit list, behind Gehrig, Ruth and Mantle, and ahead of DiMaggio, Mattingly and Berra (all three of whom are retired in Monument Park). If you can retire Reggie Jackson's number, after his whopping five seasons in pinstripes, you can retire Bernie's for this stat alone. So let it be written, so let it be done.

What About Prom, Chewboken? What About Prom?!

I didn't think there could be anything worse than being woken up by your neightbors slam-dancing or the echo of their rolling chairs. Oh, but there is -- your neighbors screaming at each other, their main piece of dialogue being "fuck off", at 2:30 in the morning. You know, I've never formally met Chewboken and his counterparts, but they have more drama up there than Ike and Tina Turner. Judging by the high-school girl yelling I hear them do in their apartment, I'm assuming they don't like each other very much. Which is all well and good, but don't go all telenovela bizatch on each other when it's TWO FUCKING THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Makes me even more pissed about their banging on the floor the other night when they pull shit like this....

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

It's Chicken-y and it's Soupy, but it's Not Chicken Soup

Yeah, so today marks the first time in nearly a year that I've had deli soup. But it's not the chicken soup that will forever remind me of the night my stomach bitch-slapped me. It's called chicken pot pie, just like the insides of a real chicken pot pie (which I still eat) but it's reminding me too much of the everyday chicken soup that would not stop coming up and I only got through half of it. Sigh. I'd wanted a nice cream of potato soup (which is about as far from chicken noodle as you can get), but for some reason, New York delis in my hood don't know how to make it. So I went with the next option and now I'm having flashbacks and I'm trying to drown them by chugging Coke.

I'm so not ready. Maybe I will never be. And that sucks when it's so cold outside and the Soup Nazi just opened a location around the block from us. Ugh.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Passing Thought of the Day

What I wouldn't give to hear A-Fed sing Oh Holy Night, the ultimate yuletide power ballad...

Monday, December 05, 2005

Last Call


If you want the Yankee Chicken to spend the holidays with you -- via Christmas Card, that is. He's way too busy to visit with you personally -- e-mail by Friday.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Cookies for Dinner, Followed by a Bath in Beer

So we are trying to figure out what to do with the excess of food and beer right now. Seriously, I have only ingested cookies today, as baked goods are covering half of every surface in my apartment. The keg is sitting there all forlorn, and we actually have to have people over tonight, on a school night, in an effort to try and kick it.

Anyway, just a few photos from last night, as I forgot about my camera until around 12:15, when our upstairs neighbors started banging on their floor (our ceiling). We were like "what the fuck?" because 1 )It was relatively early and our music wasn't even loud 2) The party they had last month was just as loud, and we got to hear the clickety-clack of high heels all fucking night and didn't complain and 3) Are you KIDDING ME? Chewboken wakes me up at least once a week with his stomping/rolling chair action, usually at 4 a.m. on a Thursday, and Carolyn and Melissa have had the rolling chairs from rolling hell wake them up too. And yeah, they were invited, and all they had to do was come down and say "could you keep it down?" (even though I'm not sure there was anything TO keep down, as it was just lots of people talking that constituted the noise) and we would've been perfectly neighborly about it...instead of ignore it, like we did because we are seriously owed by them, man. Anyway. I stomped over to my room to grab my camera because I needed to document this party just to show how tame it was. Visual proof is always a nice help in not thinking you're crazy.

That's our lovely tree. We bought it from a guy wearing a Yankee hat, so you know it's got to be awesome.

That's Ken (with whom I share the same taste in men), Rana, Julianna and Erica. And just know when I came back to them later, Erica had somehow acquired bangs.

Why, Jesse and Vicki look deep in serious conversation. What could they be talking about? The war in Iraq? Bird flu? Levels of respect for the Indiana Pacers?

Of course when there's a hockey stick anywhere within reach, the Canadian is going to pick it up. And look menacing.

What's Liana looking so amused at...

...why it must be the most incriminating photo of the evening! As Rick said, both he and Eric could never run for president with this photo out there. Well, Eric couldn't anyway -- but as Rick put it, he's hanging out with an "alien" in this photo and that trumps all other taboos that might be going on here.

It Must Be Chrismukkah

Oh my god -- it's SNOWING!

Oh my god -- it's 4:30 in the morning!

Oh my god -- we have at least 1/3 of a keg left.

There will be more of a wrap-up of Chrismukkah, 2005 later, but I must say it was one of our awesomer parties as it was no where near as packed as last year and everyone appeared to be having a good time (or was at least very drunk. But obviously not off the keg) and we have no mini hotdogs left to speak of, which is always a sign of successful partying.

For now, I leave you with the wisdom of Rick: "Home is where your underwear is."

Friday, December 02, 2005

Flash! Ahhhhh-Ahhhhh!

So long, Flash. I will miss the random bursts of Queen following your strikeouts at the Stadium. It always succeeded in cracking up the season ticket crew.

Keeping the "Hypocrite" in Christmas

This article confuses the hell out of me. You'd think the Catholic League or whomever would want the whole Call it Christmas thing to be out and about because we wouldn't have the holiday without that dude Christ being born on Dec. 25, and maybe the holiday should be less about retail and more about remembering that. But then it seems they want it to be all about marketing things for Christmas BUYING, which is really NOT what the true meaning of Christmas is about...or at least that's what I learned in CCD. Even if I don't mind that the holiday has become a lot about giving and receiving, I'd think the big wig Catholics wouldn't be too turned on by that.

But my favorite part of the story?:
Christmas songs and trees are two of the things Victoria's Secret won't be bashful about in its lingerie show airing Tuesday on CBS. "The day is called Christmas. ... It all gears to Dec. 25," says Ed Razek, chief marketing officer.

Yeah, because when I think Christmas, I think jugs. Rolls eyes Maybe they'll have Gisele dressed as the Virgin Mary in a circa-B.C. diamond-encrusted IPEX bra, too...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Rambo, You're the Inspiration

So AFI is doing a list that almost guarantees that the Godfather, Gone With the Wind and Casablanca WON'T be in the top 10, which, as much as I love those movies, is kind of refreshing. And there should be a crapload of sports movies on this list, as most of their plots center around, you know, inspiring. These are just the ones that spring to mind off the top of my head:

Pride of the Yankees (should be in the Top 10, just for the speech alone)
Rocky (My pick for No. 1)
The Natural (the music of which you are listening to right now)
Field of Dreams
The Karate Kid
Brian's Song
Hoosiers (Totally top 10 material)
Breaking Away
Chariots of Fire

I have a feeling any movie Jimmy Stewart ever starred in will be in the top 20; And Braveheart will probably be up there. But there are a few head-scratchers in the list of nominees. Like, how in the name of GOD is Dirty Dancing even nominated? Because while it's one of my fave movies (shut up), the big old lift at the end there never really deeply inspired me or anything. Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Maybe it inspired a lot of faking sick and hooky playing. Rambo: First Blood, Part II???? Then again, the list of nominees is shorter than the other lists they've had, so maybe they were scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least I hope so.


If you are hearing the the dulcet tones of my darling A-Fed, then your computer is compatible with the awesome media player Beth hooked me up with. I'll get more time to play with it later, so be ready!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Well, Subway is Right Downstairs...

Awesome exchange of the day:

Production Guy Jeff: "Jared's (old co-worker) out in the lobby."

Jason: "Jared Fogle?!?"

Also awesome is the fact that Art and Jason keep alternating on humming "Take My Breath Away", which might sound scary, but trust me, it's better than any Muzak you've ever heard. Perhaps they can duet on that at the Christmas party, as Yuletide power ballads are always a showstopper...


Now, for our best Copy Desk inside-joke e-mail of the year:

Mad props to Jason for making me laugh so hard my head hurt. I'm not sure I can explain the significance, but then we are a pretty sick bunch and PhotoShop is a dangerous thing in our hands.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Shopping for Eye Candy at Honeydukes

Since so many of us found ourselves somewhat inappropriately crushing on Cedric Diggory after seeing Goblet of Fire, I give you....


Shut up! He's 19, damn it! (Shannon, however, is totally in his age range. The lucky beyotch.)

And this is for June and myself:


And he's 22! That's older than A-Fed! Look at the strides I'm making...

Monday, November 28, 2005

Cita de la Dia

So today at the restuarant of hot food and hot men — Chipotle — Tonya was telling Erica and I about the T-shirt she wore last Christmas that informed the world she was "Always Naughty, Never Nice" and how her brother didn't think this was appropriate Christmas attire. Her reaction? To roll her eyes and say, "Come on! It's not like I'm wearing a shirt that says 'I went down on Santa' or something!" Which...well you had to see mine and Erica's reactions to fully appreciate it, I guess. But it's awesome.

Just to FYI

The blogging will be a little slow the next few days, as my laptop decided that right before the holidays was the perfect time for its screen to cease working. And being that I'm old money bags, it's not a problem at all that it costs an arm and a leg to fix it. Blah.

ETA: Color me mucho impressed. I dropped the computer off at the Apple Store on Tuesday night, and when it was shipped out I was told it would take 7-10 business days to get back, maybe longer because of the holiday. Well, lo and behold, I get home from work this afternoon and it's sitting right outside my door! And it's fixed! And they fixed other little things I hadn't asked them to fix! And despite the fact that they were supposed to ship it to my office (but it worked out better this way since I was out at 1), I am giving a major shout-out to Apple. I've had the computer three and a half years now, and this problem with the screen is the only trouble I've had with it. And despite the cost of repair, it was a lot better than getting a whole new computer. And now I can work on my Christmas cards! Huzzah!!!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Believe Me, Renters, Harry Has it Worse Than You

So, did something I rarely do these days and saw two movies this weekend. The first was Rent, and even though I haven't seen the Broadway production, I pretty much knew the music and story inside out thanks to the boatloads of people who would listen to the soundtrack on repeat in college. And while I enjoyed the music and some of the performances in the big screen version, I couldn't help but walk away thinking "Who the hell do you think you are, movie?" as I couldn't help but feel like I was being yelled at for being part of the "mainstream"; that the fact that I have a day job to pay for the computer on which I write my stories and that I don't expect the world to just give me everything makes me a bad person. I always think this when I hear "starving artist" -- there shouldn't be such a thing. A day job is what gets you through till you make it to the big time. You work your craft in your free time and when your craft takes off and starts earning you money, that's when you quit said day job. Until then, you need something to survive on and what's so wrong with a paycheck and benefits? Oh, wait. That gets in the way of the dancing in the streets and singing about how much better you are than the rest of the world with your friends. Yeah, I can see why a day job is a bad thing if that's the case. But maybe I just took it too seriously. Either way it gets a solid Meh from me.

The second movie I saw, which I had higher expectations for (and therefore under more scrutinizing) than Rent, was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire...and I loved it. And I didn't expect too, despite my fondness for the book. Azkaban was my favorite book, but I was kind of lukewarm about the movie. It lost a lot of the children-y part of it, which it probably shouldn't have even though everyone said it was necessary to show the kids were growing up. I understood the kids were entering their teen years, but there is still a sense of play in the book. The movie didn't really bring that across, but whatever, it was decent. Goblet of Fire, on the other hand, moved deftly between the serious and the sentimentality of teenagehood, and contained a sense of warmth throughout without losing the sense of darkness. I don't know who you credit for that, but there you go. There was also a lot more action than the previous three, which made the 2 1/2 hour fly, even though they felt packed. Seriously, the movie felt three hours long, but in a good way. And I guess that's a good thing because the next book is a lot more serious and angry, so it's going to be tougher to translate on-screen. But we've got some time till that happens...

Also, the way in which Ron worships the great Quidditch player Viktor Krum made me chuckle a few times because it sounded JUST like Tonya, Steph and I gushing about whichever Yankee has awed us for the day: He's like a bird the way he moves! He's more than an athlete... he's an artist. I believe Derek Jeter falls in the same catergory...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


The Hideous and Awesome Bischer Turkey Platter just wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

And here's hoping if you visit any dumps tomorrow that they are open.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Shut Up, Schedule Makers

So today, after Erica informed me that she's planning on seeing the Braves play the Yanks in June (because the Braves have announced their tentative schedule) I decided to nose around the other teams' sites to see when they play the Yanks in an effort to piece the Yanks' 2006 season together. And all I can say is Bite Me, MLB.

The Yanks open in freaking Oakland on Opening Day. Which means they start at 10 p.m. And all three games are that way. I'm guessing they'll play another West Coast team after that, which means probably a few more 10 p.m. start times. Why can't they just play the goddamn AL East or Central and the West plays the West to start the season so everyone at least gets the games in their time zone? Dumbasses.

And then the clincher: The Yanks and Sux? Yeah, they only play each other in TWO weekend series the entire season (they played four last year). The rest of the games are during the week. I guess MLB has decided "the rivalry" isn't cool enough for them anymore, therefore why would it be cool to the fanbases who actually have followed "the rivalry" before it had a fucking label? Like, why would we want to be able to enjoy these games on a weekend when we have time to watch? Oh yeah, and that weekend series in the Bronx happens in SEPTEMBER.

I'll need to see the Yanks' official sked before I make up my mind about the rest of the season, but right now, I'd like to give someone in the MLB front offices a piece of my mind...

A Bitter Bill to Swallow

It is so depressing to get your cell phone bill and to discover that, for the first time in months, you haven't gone over your text-message allotment, nor have you even used near the amount you are alloted.

Because this all just means the baseball season is over.

And that sucks.

Monday, November 21, 2005

39 Shopping Days Left...Just Repent Before You Hit the Mall

One of the awesomest things about New York is the holiday season, and how it seems everyone gets into it. For example, we have this homeless guy who's been stationed outside of our office since we started in July. He's always praying and he has a sign that says to not give him food or money, but thanks anyway, so he's not your stereotypical panhandler. But what's awesome is that he has this cardboard sign on his cart of stuff that says "Repent, the End is Near," (hence his praying, I think) and the other day Art walks in and tells Jason and I that there's now another sign underneath that that says "Merry Christmas!" I took a look for myself the last time I passed him, and sure enough, it's one of those red-velvety scroll things with gold lettering and little ropey chord. Which is great because it's this happy looking piece of holiday finery underneath the whole "Repent, the End is Near" fire and damnation sort of thing. I guess as long as the End isn't coming before Christmas, we may as well be Merry, right?

And on that note, if you'd like a Christmas Card from The Chicken, e-mail with your address and your favorite feathered friend will be with you for the holidays. He's such a good Chicken like that.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Derek Starts Spreading the News...Without Liza

El Capitan, back from his Hawaiian lovefest, was feeling a bit chatty at the Joe Torre Safe at Home Dinner. I swear, I don't think I've ever seen so many quotes from him on so many different Yankee topics in one story. I think the Post knew it too, and that's why they listed it as they did. It must be love. Awwww.

But I think I was most shocked when I read this line:

Jeter hugged Lee Mazzilli, the Yankees' new bench coach.

Why? Because when my first-thing-in-the-morning, tired old eyes took that sentence in, I thought it said Jeter hugged Liza Minnelli and I was like "Whhaaaaaaaaa?" and almost fell out of bed. Especially because of the whole New York, New York thing. I mean, she'd never get a hug from me for that alone...

Friday, November 18, 2005

I Guess It's Better Than a Pain in the Ass

Dudes. I cannot move my head to the right. I don't know what I did, but my neck sure ain't happy with me right now. It started twinging a bit the other day, and I get neck pain once in a blue moon so I thought it was nothing. Then yesterday morning the right side was stiff as all hell, and putting on a shirt never hurt so bad. Then last night, Chewboken arrives home triumphantly at 3:30 in the morning, stomping like he's being chased and wakes me up -- and that's when I realize my neck is WAY pissed off with me. Sleeping on my back, stomach, right side and sitting up did not help. Brushing teeth and putting my hair in a ponytail...not so good. So I broke down and bought those Icy/Hot patches on my way to work and am now sitting with this god-awful smelling white thing slapped on the back of my neck and it's all tingly and hot and cold at the same time. And thank god for swivel chairs, because I can now turn to look at my co-workers without having to turn my head, and that's a bonus.


Saw this on Rotten Tomatoes today and it got me way excited:

Picture 2

I think it's a testament to just how great the books are that they always rate as high as they do, especially since they rarely change much when converted to film. J.K. Rowling is an f'ing genius...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Ba Dum Ba Da Da — HEY!

Picture 1

Probably the most bizarre headline I've seen in a long, LONG time...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

My January Self Is Already Screaming at this Post

I know I'm going to kick myself for saying this but I just want it to...stop being warm already. I mean, I could take it if my summer clothes hadn't been packed away, and if my office would actually decide to turn the heat off when it's 70 degrees outside, but enough is enough, for me anyway. I don't need it to be freezing. Just cool. With NO HUMIDITY. And then for it to stay that way and stop fluctuating between 70 and 46. Remember when weather used to be normal? Sigh. Those were the days.

Picture 1

Anyway, this big old mess of precipitation represents a cold front that's coming our way. We were marveling at it at work today (while fanning ourselves to keep from passing out) when Jason took a look at the screen and was like "Man, it's going to be out there." But that doesn't get quote of the day honors, because that only goes to people who can tell their parents they're marrying Geraldo Rivera....hee heeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

My Precioussssssshut Up, Lupicass.

I swear to god, judging by the whole A-Rod has an MVP but it doesn't count because he doesn't have a ring spewing today, I think the NY Media is trying to turn Mr. Rodriguez into New York City's very own Gollum. They want him skulking about town, hissing for his goddamn Precious, because that's the only thing that should matter above all else.

Oh yeah, there's a sexy beast who will sell you lots of papers...

Don't get me wrong, I kind of get the whole He Never Won a Ring backlash, especially since he's admitted himself that he'd rather have a Ring, but I don't get the utter harping on it, when he's only 30. Is it the money factor? Because I get the feeling we wouldn't be making this argument if he were making $2 million a year. Then again, for like the last 10 years, almost every MVP from both leagues has been pretty well-paid and not nearly as scrutinized (save Barry Bonds). Oh yeah, and since 1993, only four MVPs have a Ring to their credit, out of the 24 who have won since then (if I'm counting correctly: Larkin, Pudge, Chipper and Frank Thomas, who just got his Ring, and not really for contributing all that much this season) and I and doubt they got as much flack when they won sans Ring. So maybe we are just holding him to a higher standard because he's so statistically sick that he SHOULD be on a World Series winner?

Maybe he's getting shit because he's a Yankee and this is New York and when you put on the Pinstripes you are destined to be drawn and quartered in the paper from time to time. But then here's a nice little stat for you involving A-Rod and the Babe. Now I'm NOT saying A-Rod is Babe Ruth, so you can start unbunching your undies now. I just want to point out this interesting little comparison: Ruth came in 1919. And when did the Yankees win the World Series? I can't heeeeeeaaaaaar youuuuuu. Oh, right! 1923! (and they didn't even make the Series with him till 1921...two whole seasons without an appearance, and that, like, totally must've been ALL Babe Ruth's fault) So that's five whole seasons that it took the greatest player to ever play the game to help the Yanks win the World Series. And yeah, he already had a Ring, but I really don't think people like my great grandfather gave a flying fig about what you did in Boston when you're supposed to be winning that shit in New York. Wish I could see the papers back then, just to see if they'd given Ruth as much shit as they're giving A-Rod right now...

I think my point here is that a lot of the A-Rod whining is a lot of hot air and a bit unfounded and oh, just a smidge unfair. Considering the man is 1/25 of the World Series winning equation, I don't get why for the last two years, the No World Series Appearance thing has seemingly been entirely on his shoulders. Especially when there was enough blame to go around. He has a mediocre season (by his standards) last year, and this year he ends up having one of the best seasons by a Yankee righty hitter EVER. I mean, for Christ's sake, people, we got to see a righty hit the most homers by a Yank IN OUR LIFETIME. And I dare you to tell me that his 130 RBI didn't help the Yanks in SOME way this season.

And oh yeah, Shut Up, Lupicass. I didn't read your column, but I heard about it, you bitter dickhead.

Monday, November 14, 2005

All That A-Hyphen Defending Pays Off

You know, I don't put too much stock in these awards since the Palmiero Gets the Gold Glove for 28 Games at First Base, What The Fuck Were You Smoking, Sportswriters? Debacle, but seeing A-Rod get named MVP did make me feel strangely relieved, and even a bit happy. It made me realize that even if these sportswriters do carry a Yankee grudge, it isn't all of them, and that some of them might even have been able to put it aside for this voting. More than likely though, I'm guessing the DH bias won out in this one. Which is a shame because A-Rod had quite a phenomenal regular season, and I'm hoping at least some people voted while recognizing that. This kind of surprised me, though:

Picture 2

Yeah, the lone third place vote. Am I to guess that this person put A-Rod behind Ortiz (I get that) and...Who else? Vlad Guerrero? (I can't figure out who the voting breaks down, but Vlad did have one first place vote, and he was the only No. 1 after Ortiz and A-Rod) I would laugh my ass off if it was Lupicass' doing, but then again, he probably voted for Ortiz.

Man, I so wish I was still on speaking terms with the Daily News, if only to read what bile Lupicass is going to spew over this...

But yay for A-Rod. It's not going to quiet his detractors (probably just the opposite, I'm sure), but at least I know I wasn't crazy in thinking this guy was da bomb this season.

I Feel Like I Should Buy a Betamax to Watch it, But...

When did Faerie Tale Theatre come out on DVD and why did no one tell me?!

A Majority of People (I Know) Read My Blog!

I just love when some people, bloggers and columnists specifically, throw out generalizations and don't even realize they're generalizing. Like "Women do this" and "Yankee fans are like this" and "Hobokenites behave like this". Sometimes, they'll throw in "the majority of fill-in-the-blank" but to me you can't say this until you've actually MET a majority of the thing you're generalizing about. You can't have possibly met more than half the women in the Tri-State area, more than half of Yankee fans, etc. Now, you can say "the majority of people I come into contact with" and I'd have no problem with that. But a blanket statement about thousands or millions of people? Not cool.

And I think it pisses me off more because I am always the total opposite of these generalizations (which are usually negative, and that gets me more riled up), and the majority of people I know are always the opposite of it too. For instance, I've heard people say Hobokenites are materialistic Yuppies who make lots of money and love to party. Um, not me, and not anyone I hang out with. Or "Yankee fans are obnoxious" and again, I can't point to anyone I know who fits this bill. I know there ARE people who behave this way (and I'd be generalizing if I said these things didn't exist. I don't know everybody in these factions, but I find it hard to believe the "majority" all fit a one-dimensional bill), but until there's a census done on materialistic Hoboken party animals or levels of obnoxiousness in Yankee fans, I refuse to believe that there is any "majority" or that even this notion exists outside of something that irritates/strikes you.


Our Own Version of House Hunters!

Just for the hell of it yesterday, Carolyn and I checked out an open house at the building a few doors down from ours. Now, all five floors of it were renovated after a fire there almost three years ago (no idea why it took so long to fix it up) so everything inside is brand-new. Which is why we were surprised to find that the asking price for all 10 apartments inside was a relatively cheap (in Hoboken terms, not in the language of KB's and Carolyn's bank accounts) at $460,000. Well, it turns out these two bedroom, 1.5 bath condos are on the very small/narrow side with absolutely no storage space in either bathroom (no bathtub either), only a little closet space and no room for a kitchen table. And someone is going to pay almost $500,000 for it, and that boggles my mind.

Picture 1
Now that I've got a job that pays a little more, I can upgrade my prospects a bit...

Then, instead of being completely downtrodden at the prospect of only being able to afford living in a box in the park if we're ever to buy in Hoboken (so not happening), we were like "what the hell?" and checked out a few more open houses, since there were like 12 within like three blocks of our place. And while they were gorgeous and MUCH bigger than the first one, of course they were closer to the $600,000 end of the spectrum. Which is crazy. But it was cool because we got to see the inside of the building directly behind ours, and I got to see what my bedroom window looks like from the other side. Bonus! I mean, if I can't buy my own place, at least I can catch a glimpse of what my rental looks like from the back, right?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Never Thought I'd Say This...

...but shut up, Hideki.

"I want to feel that the Yankees really need me. I want to be respected. If I feel the Yankees do not need me anymore, I am ready [to talk to another team]."
Um, what more do you need there, Hideki? The Yanks have made your signing a priority and from what I've read, they are offering you a REALLY nice deal. And considering how craptastic you were in the playoffs this year, you might want to rethink the whole "Woe is me" attitude.

So not saiko. And this?

"I'm satisfied I can live in any American cities because of my experience the last three years," Matsui said. "I do not care if it is a popular team or not a popular team. If the team is winning, a lot of fans are going to come to the stadium."

Now, that sounds to me like a lot of jackassian agent-fed crap, so I'm not even sure I believe this is the real Hideki talking here. But if it is -- can I suggest my season ticket money NOT go toward paying his salary for that comment alone? I mean, since Yankee fans don't seem to matter to him or anything... And good luck getting all that money you're asking for when you only play in front of 20,000 a night -- because that's what "not popular" teams usually draw. Something tells me that's not the kind of team that's going to offer you $10 million a year.

It breaks my heart to hear this coming out of Hideki, who is one of my fave Yanks just for his put-his-head-down-and-play mentality, and always seeming like a decent guy in his interviews (language barrier notwithstanding). I know negotiating a contract is a huge game of tug-of-war, but come on. Even I know you don't say shit like this in the media when your negotations are going on...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

And I Wonder Why So Many People Have the Wrong Idea About My Home State

So I was just reading this week's Time, and there was this little blurb about that movie "Just Friends" that's coming out, and notes this "Jersey" phenomenon among recent movies. The writer also brings up "Garden State" and "Jersey Girl" in this blurb, and while discussing these three movies, manages to bring up "Parkway fumes", big hair and Springsteen, all within a few lines of each other. What? No references to the Sopranos? Or toxic waste dumps? Yeah, so the writer, Ms. Rebecca Winters Keegan, joins every sportswriter I hate becuase like them, she can't steer past the over-simplified cliche. I mean, come on. You work for Time not Jack and Jill. I expect real wit, not relying on lame, tired sterotypes for a laugh.

And besides. It's the TURNPIKE that everyone thinks the fumes come from -- if you have to resort to sterotyping at least get it right. Then again, this author with three names must only know NJ for the Parkway because that's what she takes to her god damn beach house in the summer...Oh, was I stereotyping someone who doesn't know jack about Jersey? I'm so sorry. NOT.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Yet Another Reason Why My Job Rocks

Three words: Karaoke. Christmas. Party. Oh yeah, I've found the mothership.

Of course I say this as I drink champagne in my cubicle, provided at our office goodbye/birthday party.

Where did I find this place?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Make Me Feel Stupid...Please

******If you did not watch last night's episode of Lost, stop reading...that means you, Dexter*******

I used to be a spoiler whore -- reading up on my fave TV shows to find out what was going to happen beforehand, so I'd know if my favorite characters were going to be OK and not die or do something stupid. Then came Lost, where I realized how awesome it is to watch a show and actually be surprised by what unfolds on the screen. So, aside from scoping out the American Idol songlists/themes, I haven't read a spoiler for any of my shows in over a year. It's kind of nice letting the writers tell me a story and being all "Oh my god!" when something happens that you're not sitting there waiting for.

This is why when I heard rumblings that someone was going to die on last night's Lost, I steered clear of any message boards and when the commercials for the show would come on, I'd look away and plug my ears. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough, because the "rumblings" I'd heard have been speculating for a loooooooooooong time that the person who died last night was going to be the one to bite it. Also, just knowing someone was going to die, you pretty much knew that the episode's focal character was going to be the one to get killed off. So yeah, I was totally NOT surprised by the death last night, and that pisses me off. Though I am holding out hope that because we didn't actually see this person die in front of us that they are still alive and the writers are trying to throw us for a loop and show someone else dead next week. THAT would be ballsy, but I doubt it's going to happen.

I don't like being one step ahead when these shows are supposed to be a form of entertainment. If I can figure out what's going to happen before the end, why bother watching? I would love it if shows, especially Lost, would close off sets, send around fake scripts to the media, put gag orders on its actors just so they can drop a bomb on us and for us to be like "DAMN! Didn't see THAT coming." No show has the guts to do this now, though, because the networks like to generate a buzz so they get higher ratings.

But just once, I'd love for a network to be all "Let's give them a nice shock" and make us feel stupid. Becuase I can write my own stories if I want to know how everything's going to turn out...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

M-I-S-S You Much, Tino

I guess I knew it was coming, but it's still jarring to see it in print just the same:

Picture 4

Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. And we got to love Tino twice, y'all.

I wonder if he's realized that his return was entirely due to Tonya talking to his photo in soap opera fashion...

Just wondering

Don't you think if you've been frequenting someone's blog for awhile that you would just go and bookmark the site already? Or at least have the address memorized by now?

Don't Fuck With My Job

We have a mole in our office. No, not the burrow-through-the-garden type of mole (we do have mice, but that's another story), but an honest-to-goodness person who leaks our shit to the NY tabloids and makes us look bad. If I ever find out who this person is, I will kick their ass. I like this place too much to have it be made to look foolish in public, and I like it too much to have my job somewhat jeopardized as a result of this jackass' actions. We work way too hard to have stuff leaked, and obviously our mole doesn't give a shit about that.

I hate this person. I hope I don't ever meet them in a dark alley...or our bathroom, which could serve as a dark alley on some days...

Monday, November 07, 2005

Quote of the Day

Jason gets the honors, as when Rana and I were telling him about the A-Rod hater at her party, he shook his head and was all "You should've been like 'Dude, it's a potluck party -- and you obviously brought the hater-tots!'"

Honorable mention goes to Carolyn, who yesterday was telling me about the menu she and Rick are going to have at their wedding and I was like "all of that sounds great!" And she's like "Please, this is my wedding we're talking about here. You will definitely be able to eat." Because Carolyn is as picky an eater as I am, so she understands this stuff.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Sunscreen in my Stocking

Yeah, so, the Christmas season is upon us, complete with lights and bows and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" being played over the Macy's intercom, and while I know it's still early yet, I can't help but be unmotivated to shop because of the following forecast:

Picture 1

I mean, it's so not right to be in the Northeast and Christmas shopping in a T-shirt and flip-flops...

ETA: What the hell did Safari do to piss Blogger off? Everytime I go to post, it completely deletes everything I wrote and posts just the header. The hell, blogger?

I'm a Hater Hater. So Nyah.

Last night Rana and her roommate Adena threw a pot-luck party for their Hoboken friends, which was awesome because 1) there was LOTS of good food involved and 2)It's great being at a party where you don't have to explain things to be people who don't know Hoboken. Like, you can say "that really cool, nice lady behind the deli counter at the A&P" and everyone knows right off who you're talking about.

But, oh yes, I did manage to get my undies in a bunch over something Yankee related. I was talking to Adena's boyfriend Drew about the AL MVP, when one of Adena's friends jumps in that A-Rod doesn't deserve it. I was curious as to why he thought this, as he was an admitted Phillies fan, and he mentioned that A-Rod got off to a slow start and had a bad April. And that's when the blood got flowing. I swear to god, I hadn't even ingested any alcohol yet and I was getting all hyped up over that comment (though not in Beasterlike fashion, so I wasn't mean) -- I was all "Are you kidding me? He had the three-home run game in April!" and he was all "One game does not a month make" and I was like "That was only ONE of his great games that month!" People, A-Rod batted .304 with 9 home runs and 27 RBI in April -- it was his strongest RBI month of the season. I conceded he got off to a slow start defensively but then that wasn't the argument -- especially since he thought Ortiz should win, and Ortiz doesn't play the field. Anyway, I didn't have the stats at hand at that moment, but I knew this guy (who was otherwise very nice, so don't think he was a jackass or anything) had no back-up and was probably just a Yankee hater and making this argument out of that hatred. Which upsets me -- because if you have legitimate reasons for not wanting A-Rod to get the MVP award, that's fine. But just because you hate the team/player? And start imaging statistics for said hated team/player to make your argument? That's not cool.

Which is why I hate the whole Yankee hating bandwagon. People complain that there are Yankee bandwagon fans who don't know their shit? Well, I've come across one too many self-described Yankee loathers who aren't exactly solid in their knowledge of all things Pinstriped hateworthy either. They will just come up with an argument that is convenient for backing up their cause -- even if it's completely wrong. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered this in all my years as a Yankee fan. Listen, I'm no fan of the Sux or the Mets or Bud Selig or anything, but I'll only rant about what I know (and I wouldn't describe myself as a Yankee fan/Sux Hater in equal capacity...but that's a whole other blog post), I just think the whole "let's hate the Yankees!" craze that has swept America (mostly thanks to's columnists, specifically Bill Simmons and Jim Caple, whose word is held as gospel in the eyes of many baseball fans simply because they can make them laugh) is a bandwagon in itself, and no one has ever called it this. You are associating yourself with something you know little about to fit in and look cool...just like when you start rooting for a team simply because they are winning. It's JUST AS BAD.

Sux fans and Met fans have hated the Yanks for years and I accept this as I believe they, you know, actually have reason to hate. But PHILLIES fans? CUBS fans? ANGELS fans? I mean, come the fuck on. Let's call a spade a spade -- if you hate the Yanks and have no legit reason for it, you are a bandwagoner too. And I'd dare say you might just be a bandwagon fan for your own team if your hate for another team eclipses your love for the one you claim to care about...but that too is another blog post all together.

Friday, November 04, 2005


My old place of employment gets the NoMaas treatment!


And it was an issue I actually worked on. I feel so proud, in the weirdest way possible...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

God Bless Us Everyone!

One of my weirdest lifelong dreams has been to work in an office where a certain favorite movie/book of mine gets quoted freely. So color me excited when the following exchange took place at work yesterday:

Rana: Hey, Art, is it OK if I take the Tuesday after Christmas off?
Art: (looking fake exhasperated) I suppose you'll be wanting the whole day off?
Rana: (looking slightly concerned) Yeah?
Art: Very well, take the day.
Me:(geeked out) Ohmigod! He just quoted a Christmas Carol!
Rana: (laughs) I was going to say, it's just one day...
Me: Poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of December!

And today, after Art excused me for the evening, I was somewhat surprised because it's our usual late night, but my head was pounding thanks to a shitload of reading and our office thermostat being cranked up to like 102, so I was all "really?" And Art's his usual mellow self and is like "Yeah, sure, get out of here..." then gets all cantankerous sounding and "...But be here all the earlier in the morning." Awesome — and even awesomer as it's coming out of my boss.

That's right -- he's counting out my week's wages right there, all 15 shillings of it.

And it's even cooler because for the last few weeks, every now and then Mona the Mets Fan will start hypothetically casting the Copy Department version of A Christmas Carol, with Art being Bob Cratchit and Jason — hilariously — playing Scrooge (though I see him in more the Mr. Magoo capacity and not that of Alastair Sim). Mona deemed I could be Mrs. Cratchit but I was all "Hells no, I want to be Scrooge's ex-girlfriend. She gets to tell him off!" Because, seriously, why did no one else ever tell Scrooge where to go and how to get there? It just strikes me as weird that everyone was so afraid of his tightwad ass.

Oh yeah, that's Jason and Art right there, TOTALLY.

Anyway, with the Christmas season nearing, I can only hope this gets put into play more as it's one of the most utterly quotable things, like, ever. Though, of course, this job is totally more on the Mr. Fezziwig end of the spectrum and not that of Scrooge and Marley...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Like, the Cameras Crews are Coming, so be Ready...

Stole this from Shannon, so no, there's no tagging on this and my blogger buds can do this at their own free will, should they choose to steal this from me...

Your Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits:
Learning to Fly -- Tom Petty

Waking up:
Morning -- Al Jarreau

Average day:
Looking Out My Back Door -- CCR

First date:
More Than a Feeling -- Boston Band With a Very Unfortunate Name

Falling in love:
Reflecting Light -- Sam Phillips

Love scene:
Sign Your Name -- Terrence Trent D'Arby

Fight scene:
(I'm going to go with the whole "people getting all snarly with each other and rumbling, like West Side Story or The Outsiders" kind of fight rather than with the "Aww, wittle couple's in a bad, bad argument over who lost the remote control" kind of fight) Too Young to Fall in Love -- Motley Crue

Breaking up:
Love Bites -- Def Leppard

Getting back together:
Um, we broke up for a reason, I assume. Why are we getting back together?

Secret love:
These Arms of Mine -- Otis Redding

Life's okay:
Peg -- Steely Dan

Mental breakdown:
Trapped -- Bruce Springsteen

Running Down A Dream -- Tom Petty

Learning a lesson:
The Gal That Got Away/It Never Entered My Mind -- Frank Sinatra

Deep thought:
Piano Sonata No.8 in C Minor, Op.13 -"Pathétique": II. Adagio Cantabile -- Beethoven

Poison -- Bel Biv Devoe

Let's Groove -- Earth, Wind & Fire

Happy dance:
Lady (You Bring Me Up) -- The Commodores

Wonderwall -- Oasis

Long night alone:
Alone -- Heart (of course!)

Death scene:
Um, too morbid.

Closing credits:
Layla -- Derek & the Dominos....Hey, it worked in Goodfellas...

Now Strip Poker on the Other Hand....

From an
AP story on the Daily News' front page ridiculous ballyhoo on A-Rod playing poker.

Playing at such clubs is not illegal, though it can be against the law to operate them, the Daily News reported.

Rodriguez was not punished or ordered to stay out of the clubs, but commissioner Bud Selig was monitoring the situation and could intervene if necessary, the newspaper said, citing sources it did not identify.

Since I refuse to read the Daily News, I won't read their story, but COME ON. Playing underground poker in your free time warrants the commissioner to keep an eye on you? Huh? What does this have to do with playing baseball again? Where is the story here?

Get a fucking life, Daily News.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Glove Story

At first I was all happy to learn El Capitan had snagged himself another Gold Glove...and then I had this kind of guilty feeling because there were a few other guys who had a statistically better fielding season than DJ...and then I realized these were the same assholes who voted Rafael Palmiero the best first baseman for his whoppingly strenuous 28 games in the field or whatever so it's not like this is the word of god or something. Sportswriters. Ugh.

I think I'd rather have that fifth ring for DJ's thumb anyway. And I'm sure he'd say the same thing. So I'm just going to be glad that this will piss off some Yankee haters for awhile since they haven't had much to sink their teeth into the last few weeks. It must be so cold and lonely for them when that happens....

Monday, October 31, 2005

A-Fed Takes His Pants Off One Leg at a Time, Just Like You and Me

So I was doing all well in trying to think of A-Fed in an "aw-shucks, nice boy with a lovely voice" sort of way and then Inside TV and Fear Factor have to go and team up and just waggle this in front of my nose:



This is bad for a number of reasons:

1) AHDKHGFUAUSZNBKIZ! Which, translated, means he's totally, um, a man. Which means "Aww, A-Fed!" won't cut it anymore.

2) I will now actually have to watch an episode of Fear Factor, something I've been successful in avoiding for the show's entire run. (and thankfully, he filmed this awhile ago, because I was all "GOD DAMNIT A-FED, WORRY ABOUT RECORDING FIRST" when I heard he was doing the show)

3) He's taking his pants off. GAH!!