Monday, February 21, 2005

In Which My Mother Weighs In on the 2005 Yankees

My mom may not be much of a baseball fan, but she sure has her opinions on the Yanks. I mean, it’s kind of hard not to when your husband and only child are so invested in a bunch of guys wearing pinstriped “outfits.” She also was very disappointed last year when the Yanks flaked out in the playoffs because she was “getting into it.” So every now and then I like to pick her brain on the Yankees. This weekend, I sat her down and got her take on the upcoming season:

KB: You said in January that you thought the Yankees were going to win it all this year. Why?
Mom: Because they were so close last year and the year before. The taste is in their mouths so they really, really want it. It’s like when you bowl a 111 in bowling. That 111 score pisses you off. They’re going to be really good. Not in the beginning, but I’d say by Summertime they’ll take off.

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KB: What do you think of Tino Martinez?
Mom: Ooooh. He’s a fine piece of specimen.
KB: What do you think he’ll bring to the team this year?
Mom: Women. In droves.

KB: What about Randy Johnson?
Mom: He’s gawky. The outfit just doesn’t do it for him. But he looks better in regular clothes.

KB: What do you think is ahead for Jason Giambi?
Mom: (Sighs.) Oh, Jason. He’s got a tough climb back…but he can do it. But he’s gonna need a shrink.

KB: You’ve gone on record as not being a Jeter fan. Why?
Mom: He’s a great athlete, but he’s too…snooty. Too aloof. He gives off those vibes.
KB: (defensively) That’s because you don’t know him.
Mom: Probably. OK.

KB: What do you think of the Serial Killer?
Mom: Oh my god…
KB: You know he’s in New York now, right?
Mom: Wait! He’s on the Yankees?
KB: No, no. The Mets. But he’s living in New York.
Mom: God help us all. He’s got weird eyes.
KB: Do you think he needs a shrink too?
Mom: Oh, most definitely. Not only therapy…a whole psychiatric center. Wait, he doesn’t read your column, does he?

KB: What about Bernie in centerfield?
Mom: Oh, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie! He’s such a sweetheart. It’s in his face. He reminds me of a Skoozie. You just want to be like “C’mere Bernie” and pinch his cheeks.

KB: And Hideki?
Mom: I have a feeling he’s going to be Most Valuable Player. Doesn’t he do first base?
KB: Left field.
Mom: OK. He’s a hustler, from what I’ve seen. They’re not prejudiced against him, are they?
KB: For being Japanese?
Mom: Well, you know how things are in a clique.
KB: As long as he hits and does his job, I think they’ll like him just fine.
Mom: Good. That's not nice to leave him out.

KB: What about George Steinbrenner?
Mom: He can afford to lighten up…you know I miss Paulie. I miss his gold chain. And his Grecian profile.
KB: Grecian profile?
Mom: Yes, he's like the statue of David. Except his you-know-what isn't hanging out.
KB: And thank god for that...You know you can see him when he’s broadcasting.
Mom: It’s not the same. He’s not wearing the outfit...


Yankeebob said...

Your Mom's the best KB. She sounds like a real sweetheart. I guess you come by it honestly.

I miss Pauley too! Not for the grecian profile, for the intensity. I really hope they retire his number this year.

Shannon said...


Auntie Pat said...

Well, I think your Mom is the absolute best. Do you think she might want to redesign the "outfits" - so they all look good in them? Just not cotton! I can just see her in the locker room with her windex!

Karen said...

I think if they offered to have Delicious Orchards Coffee during the fittings, she'd so be there. But not if they served it in glass mugs.

June said...

KB, your mom is a crackup!!! Does she know about the Bernie quote from showalter from some book? (isn't that useful LOL) ... how as a rookie he was sooooo homesick and always looked like he was on the verge of tears ... he said he looked like Bambi coming to the creek for a drink of water with the wind rustling in the reeds behind him.... :D

Also, my mom once said, dreamily, during Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of an utterly unrelated conversation: "I bet you could identify Derek Jeter blindfolded just by feeling his butt."

lupe_velez said...

karen, i think your mom, my mom, and june's mom should all go to a game together. or at the very least, we should record them watching a game together in someone's living room. i have a crazy feeling that make for some hilarious times.

Karen said...

LOL! I could just see my mother now: "Ooh! Ooh! He just did a home run!" She only tends to like watching games when they're exciting. During Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, she was getting antsy between the 8th and 11th and wanted to go to bed but my dad and I weren't about to let the karma shift out of the TV room or something and we made her stay. And look what happened! But in 2001, we made her stay away from the TV because it seemed like bad things happened when she turned it on. Weirdly enough, we heard her turn on the very end of that Game 7 and my dad and I were like "NOOOOOOOO!" and two seconds later Mariano gave up the winning run.

So if my mom were to watch, it would have to be an "exciting" regular season game!