Monday, February 14, 2005

The Love Dr. Is In The House


Because The Yankee Chicken cares about you!

Dear The Yankee Chicken:

I love Scott Rolen. Why won't he love me back?

Despondent in Manhattan,

Dear Despondent,

Well, it is obvious that this Mr. Rolen is quite the idiot if he does not return your affections. I don't care how many Gold Gloves you have, it doesn’t mean you can’t find it in your heart to love a lovely young lady from New York.

Do not be so mean to yourself waiting around with a broken heart for him. What if you found a nice gentleman who loved Rolen (but not in THAT way -- because that would defeat the purpose here) as much as you? I know they say trust is the foundation of a good relationship, but I believe it is the common interest of one’s favorite baseball team that solidifies lasting romance.

But if that doesn't work and you still love Scott Rolen, I suggest the Soap Opera route --kidnapping and brainwashing are always good options. Just wait until the off-season, though, as the Cardinals need him to win the NL and keep those good-for-nothing Mets out of the World Series.

Love, The Yankee Chicken

Yankee Chicken,

I was wondering why the romance dies off so quick once you get married? I'm a hopeless romantic, but my wife is not. (Yes, it happens that way too.) I need some advice on how to get her romantic side active again.


Cyrano DeBobgerac

Dear Cyrano,

I may be just a Yankee Chicken who has never married, but I can imagine why romance fades: It is because you are not wooing each other anymore because you have won each other – though the wooing should not stop there. I believe you humans should look at your relationships like George Steinbrenner looks at the Yankees: Just because you win the World Series once, that shouldn’t stop you from trying your damndest to win it all the time.

Now it sounds as if your wife just needs to be reminded how great "winning" is. What were some of the things you did when you first started dating? Could you re-enact one of those first dates? This could trigger her memory of those woo-ful times. Also, let her know that every now and then you would like a day/night of romance, and it doesn't have to be all-out romantic. Some people feel tremendous pressure when having to be romantic (men and women) but we all know romance doesn’t have to come with trumpets and cupids and roses. Let her know there are subtle things to do – like holding hands or a shoulder massage or having a nice dinner together without any interruptions.

As always, communication is key. So talk to your wife and maybe you can both find a romantic middle ground. And unlike George Steinbrenner, you won’t have to keep shelling out money for free agents to keep the "winning" alive.

Love, The Yankee Chicken

Dear Chicken,

I've made a horrible yet all too frequent mistake. I told my significant clucker that her beak is too big. How do I survive the carnage? Can I make it better? Have I put all my eggs in one basket here?

Stuck in the coop,


Dear Stuck,

Tsk, tsk. You have insulted one of the fairer sex on her appearance, a big-time no-no in all of the animal kingdom. But you are not beyond forgiveness. We all put our chicken feet in our mouths from time to time.

Have you tried writing her a poem? That may sound horribly cheesy, but you should try to say something about how divine she is everywhere else, and that her beak makes her who she is. Also include something disparaging about yourself in the poem to show her you are critical of your own self as well, and you know you are not perfect.

Just remind her how much you love her for all that she is, and I believe you will be invited back into the Hen House.

Love, The Yankee Chicken

Hi Chicken,

What do you do when your boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but will not discuss the future in detail? Such as "When will we live together?" - His response: In 10-15 yrs?

Also do you think it is sacrilegious to go to a Yankee -Toronto game, just to see the hot girls in the VIP box seats, as the main reason, and tell your girlfriend you just want to see the Yankees on the road? What is wrong w/ Baltimore?


Hopeless in Hoboken

Dear Hopeless,

Sounds like you've got quite a piece of work on your hands! Though at least he is a committed piece of work if he says you're going to be together forever.

May I suggest the next time the moving-in situation comes up, you say "Well, I was going to move in with the Hunky-Yet-Loud Guys from Upstairs, but I wanted to run it by you first." If he knows there are other men folk who want to live with you, even if it is platonic, he might change his mind. Especially if they are Hunky. And Yankee fans.

As for going to Toronto to see those waitresses, I do not see what is so great about them. There are far lovelier women in the town of Hoboken – no need to go to another country. Though this is good news for you – because if even I, the Yankee Chicken, can see these women from where I sit at home, so can you. Which means you can keep your eye on him in Toronto while watching the game in Hoboken – I bet he didn’t think of that!

Love, The Yankee Chicken

I have a romance-related question for the Yankee Chicken.

In this era of "He's Just Not That Into You," I feel like we men are constantly under pressure to express our feelings in unsubtle, stereotypical (and often expensive) ways. Whereas in times past, the uncertainty was part of the thrill of a burgeoning romance, it's now become, to many women, an almost certain sign that the guy isn't as interested in her as she wants him to be.

How can we men — and we as a society in general — combat this phenomenon, which threatens to annihilate delicate gestures; nuanced conversation; and all the mystery and wonder that make relationships give us butterflies, in favor of passionate but unsustainable "tabloid romance” and -- on a more distressing note -- sexual aggressiveness as a primary indicator of masculine interest?

Shaun Gallagher

Dear Shaun

Oh dear, THAT book again. I believe it is making you humans over-think too much. It was written because there are women out there who hang on too long in bad relationships and make excuses for their deadbeat men (you humans want EVERYTHING to work out, I've noticed. If the Yankees can fail every now an then, so can you). Though I know there's a blanket statement going around now that ANYTHING can be taken as a guy not being into you, and that's just sad.

I am told not all women hold this book to be gospel and that many realize there is no right and wrong way to date. The right woman won't hold it against you if you're not wining and dining her with materialistic dates -- just keep showing you're interested in subtle ways, and be vigilant (but not stalkerish). Don’t play guy games with her—treat her as you would treat any of your friends: with respect. As long as a woman knows her feelings are reciprocated, there's no question to be asked of who’s interested in whom. And as always, the best thing to do is be honest-- making each other guess about the other’s feelings is never good. Be direct!

I may be just a Yankee Chicken, but I know that if you're in the right relationship, you won't have to wonder if he/she’s into you or not.

Love, The Yankee Chicken


MG said...

From what I've read here, I think the Yankee Chicken needs to write a book. I'm sure he'd outsell all the other stuffed chickens by at least a 3-to-1 margin.

June said...

{sniff} thank you, The Yankee Chicken. I feel much better. I shall settle for gazing adoringly at him and not resort to illegal activity unless he suggests it. JUST KIDDING! REALLY!

Simon said...

Dear Yankee Chicken,

You are a gentleman and a scholar.