Sunday, December 31, 2006

You Can't Handle the Truth! About Broccoli

Stole this from Rana, because what better way to end the year than with a meme?

61 Odd Questions. Be truthful. (Who the hell are you to tell me to be truthful, blog survey? What, are you going to come after me and throw me in jail for not speaking the truth about...broccoli? Anyway.)

1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Dear god, with my dreams, I hope not.

2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Uch. I'm not a Jello fan.

3.) What's the song that's getting on your nerves right now?
OMG, that AWFUL "Lips of An Angel" crapfest that I hear now like every five minutes. Stupid title and stupider premise (Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Lead Singer that you're lusting after your ex and you miss each other but you can't be together because you're both in unsatisfying relationships that for whatever reason you don't want to leave. Shyeah, not feeling your pain, dude).

4.) Current Crush?
I'd like to crush Chewboken's shoes!

5.) What's your favorite color?
Yellow or periwinkle

6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
Window, because if you're on NJ Transit, you're probably getting off before me and I don't want to stand up to let you out if I'm playing solitaire on my iPod.

7.) Ever met anyone famous?
I've met several soap stars.

8.) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
"No man is a failure who has friends."

9.) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I twirl, but I'm not really good at it.

10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah?
How about a steel cage match between the two, and whoever comes out alive will be my answer?

11) Basketball or Football?

12.) How long do your showers last?
Why does this question seem so pervy to me?

13.) Do you know how to drive a stick?
How does one, preytell, drive a stick? Let me lean out my window, snap a twig off my tree and see...

14.) Do you want any piercings?
I have no piercings whatsoever. BEAT THAT.

15.) Do you miss someone?

16.) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yes. I believe some of the money I've spent at Yankee games has gone on to help the likes of Kevin Brown and Carl Pavano.

17.) Can you jog 5k without stopping?
Even when I ran track in high school I don't think I could do this, so I don't feel bad.

18). Where do you wish you were?
At Yankee Stadium on a warm night with Steph and Erica, and maybe Tonya's in town for a visit, and the Yankees are winning. I suppose that's too much to ask or something.

19.) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?

20.) Can you tango?
I've never tried.

21.) Last gift you received?
I got lotso gifts. It was just Christmas, you know.

22.) Last sport you played?
Tourist dodging, on the Fifth Ave. sidewalks.

23.) Things you spend a lot of money on?
I feel like I'm always spending money at the grocery store, buying food to make dinner.

24.) Last gift you gave?
I gave lotso gifts. It was just Christmas.

25.) Do you have a bank account?
No, I live off the grid.

26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Did you read my last post?

27) Most hated food(s)?
Most condiments, broccoli, tomatoes, pickles. But I do like meatloaf and pea soup.

28) Can you sing?
No, and I don't let it stop me.

29) Last person that called?
Well, the most interesting call was my credit card company, telling me that someone had gotten a hold of my card number. Identity theft -- shyeah!!!!

30) What's your least fav. chore?
Unloading the dishwasher. I'd almost rather do the dishes myself and put them away right away.

31.) Favorite Drink?
Depends on what kind of mood I'm in.

32.) Are you a vegetarian?
Oh hell no.

33.) Do you believe in heaven?
Yes. It's at 161st St. and River Ave.

34.) Are you self-conscious?
I'm self-aware.

35.) Have you ever come close to dying?
Of cramps, on several occasions.

36.) Are you drinking?
No, but I just smoked some crack!

37.) Are you eating?
Oooh, crack makes you hungry...

38.) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
I don't eat broccoli PERIOD.

39.) Do you wear makeup?
Not too much.

40.) What's your worst fear?
At the moment? That something very precious to me is never going to be the same.

41.) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Well, if my boobs are ever down to my knees, I don't see the harm in having them lifted. That's bad for your back, man.

42.) What do you wear to bed?
T-shirt and PJ shorts.

43.) Have you ever done anything illegal?

44.) Are you a good kisser?
Oh, come now. You know I've passed the age of being just a good kisser...and that, ladies and gentleman, is me being slutty! Woo!

45.) What kind of sneakers do you wear usually?
New Balance

46.) Is anyone in the room with you right now?
The Chicken and his friends. They're still sleeping after a night of crazy-ass partying, so I'm trying to be quiet.

47.) Future child's name?
Oooh! I'm going to have a "future" child? Does he/she come with her own flying car and space suit? Yay!!!!

48.) Current annoyance?
That beer gives you headaches.

49.) Do you watch pokemon or dragonballz?
Oh dear god, what is dragonballz? Do I want to know?

50.) Do you snore?
When I'm sick it's unavoidable.

51.) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Eh, I'm happy to be here right now.

52.) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Please, just because I keep a stuffed Chicken and other assorted birds in my room, that does not mean I sleep with them...they like their space.

53) If you won the lottery what would you do first?
Not tell anyone. I don't want to get kidnapped before baseball season starts.

54) Gold or silver?
What do I look like, Burl Ives?

55) Hamburger or hot dog?

56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Couldn't I just take a vitamin? I wouldn't want to get sick of my favorite food.

57) City, beach, country?
I need a bit of all three in my life.

58) What was the last thing you touched?
My, my, aren't we a nosy little survey!

59) Where did you eat last?
At the bar, with Erica. FOR FREE, BITCHES.

60) When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday, when I passed this woman singing Auld Lang Syne in NYC. It just made me kinda sad.

61) Do you read blogs?
I can't get through my day WITHOUT reading blogs, so that should tell you something.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Note to Self

Kicking open doors (don't ask) will only serve to slightly reinjure formerly Jammed Yankee Toes.

But inventing a drinking game for the classic piece of celluloid Center Stage will help ease the pain. Just a little.

Friday, December 29, 2006

2006: In Review. With Waffle Fries.

Hey! It's the end of 2006! That means we need to revisit some good times we had (or I had, anyway) over the year at the Complete and Total Bisch.

The year began with maybe one of my most favoritest blog posts ever:
Sneaking into Chick-Fil-A We later realized you didn't have to really sneak in, but that takes all the fun out of it.

How could we forget Chewboken getting a bad haircut?

It was maybe the rainiest night of the year (seriously), but my peeps all swam out ot Hoboken to help me celebrate my birthday.

Damone came into our lives...


and won us over.

I'll never forget that one night in May, when I was making dinner and the Yankees were getting CLOBBERED and I felt so bad that Steph had to witness it in person. When Erica came home and we started watching American Idol and the Yankees were down by like 8 runs, I was like "Wait, don't switch the channel! We may miss the comeback." And I was being sarcastic, yo. What ended up happening was the best game I watched all season.


Ah, love, romance, dancing, speeches, friends, fun and three-inch heels. Dexter and Vicki got married, and it was fantabulous.


Hollis and Chris got married too! Unfortunately, I'll always associate their anniversary with the Yankees losing in sucktastic fashion. OK, not really, but it did make their wedding particularly memorable. As did the moon falling out of the sky.

Sometimes, you have to test people, especially when attempting to separate the real Yankee fans from the bandwagon assholes.

Despite battling a case of the stomach flu, I made the trek to Baltimore with Erica, where we met up with our blogging Yankee fan pals to see the Yankees take on the Orioles. I was way jealous because Erica got to eat Chick-Fil-A, and to watch.

Remember when it got obnoxiously hot in my office and there wasn't much they could do about it and we almost died from heat exhaustion? Because I do.


Though give the building management credit for trying to cool us off with a relic robot left over from the 1939 World's Fair.

Oooh, Oooh! Remember that time I went all Beaster on a White Sox fan, with some help from Steph? THAT RULED.

The Chicken is delighted to wake up in...Ohio.

And then there was the ROAD TRIP!


We got to see Tonya, Wisconsin, Chicago, rest-stops that didn't allow fire arms, bison, tow trucks and Miller and Wrigley.


Oh yeah, we saw Chick-Fil-A too.

After yet ANOTHER rainy Friday (this one raining out the game completely), I get pissed with Mother Nature. Again.

I also believe I got pissed off with A-Rod haters several times.


And after almost 30 years, I finally got to Disney World. And I swear to god I didn't cry. Really.

Last year at this time I didn't have The Office, NetFlix, a DVR, Erica as a roommate, seen the longest 9-inning game in MLB history, seen a five-game sweep of the Red Sox, nor been west of Kentucky. So here's hoping that in 2007, a lot of other awesome firsts happen. Especially if they involve Chick-Fil-A.

You know I'll be blogging about it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Feel The Chill

OMG, you guys, I just saw Jeter and A-Rod and there is, like, SO much animosity between them...


...I mean, look at them. They won't even LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

Monday, December 25, 2006

He's Way Bummed About James Brown...


...but The Chicken wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas anyway.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...Easter

Picture 1

Yet I guarantee you that when our first Friday night game rolls around in April, it will be 31 degrees with a chance of flurries. No wait, 43 and rainy. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I heart Christmas shopping.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Food for Thought

So, The Chicken and I were just dancing around the kitchen to Duran Duran, cleaning up after our annual weekend of Christmas-cookie bakedom, when something occured to me (no, not that dancing around the kitchen with a stuffed chicken to The Reflex is weird): You know when they say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? Well, I think that's a load of bullshit. I mean, my baking prowess has been complimented to the hill and dale of the tri-state area, yet I am single, with nary a man banging down my door after ingesting a Snicker's surprise, or a Rollo cookie, or a Magnolia-style cupcake, or caramel covered/graham cracker-crusted brownie. They're usually just orgasmic while eating such things and then are like "Woah, that was good, Karen." Not that I'm fishing for a proposal or anything. I just like to poo-poo old, somewhat sexist adages when I get the chance.

Besides, my guess is that the real way to a man's heart is located just a few inches lower than his stomach. Or something.

I'm just sayin'.


How come Purple Rain is considered to be this great song to get down and knock boots to? It might be one of the most singularly sad, angst-ridden songs out there. I want to, like, cry after hearing it, not be all "Heyyyyyy there, loverboy, come 'n get it!"

To each his own, I guess.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Return of the Turducken!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Oh Say Can You See? You Bet I Can!

Kid still does maybe the best national anthem I've ever heard...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Cole Porter is an F'ing Genius.

He just gets it. Or got it. Whatever.

That is all.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Kick-Ass Workplace

So what are you supposed to do the day after the office party, when everyone's feeling sluggish and recovering from excess holiday cheer? Well, watch "Extreme Chick Fights: Kickin' Ass and Taking Names," of course! I know you are SO jealous that I work at a place that gets such magnificent pieces of art sent to us for free, and that we can get our computer's DVD players activated just to watch it.

In it is this Emcee/Rapper guy who's like the common bond between all the fights (and "Scrubs McGee," the ever-present veterinarian doctor in green scrubs), who lays down some monotonous tracks during said fights and every now and then will toss out a "Kickin' Ass, Taking Names" (hence the film's subtitle), though Jason swears he heard him say "Kickin' names and Takin' ass" at one point. During one fight, when we're introduced to the two ass-kickin' ladies from California...

Jason: I'm going with smoker
Me: I'm going with the brunette
Production Guy Jeff: Me too. She's got a fire in her.
Jason: What about you, Art?
Art: The only thing I'm betting on is that that rapper guy's going to lay down some smooth rhymes.

Also awesome is the choice of venue for some of the fights (Jeff: Is that someone's high school gym?), the ref/psychologist ("I want you to fight like someone stole something from you!"), the choice of fight clothing (Jason: Is she wearing underwear? Me: Oh, she's wearing a lacy bra, how ladylike!), the fighters looking exhausted when they've had the shit knocked out of them (Jason: I feel like that gentle giant's been beaten down), and finding connections to movies (Jason: This is kinda parallel to Rocky 5. Jeff: Get'er a body bag!!!! Yeah!!! Art: Yes, I'm definitely seeing Daniel-San in this.)

And of course, there's always the inspiration we can draw from such moving cinema (Jason: KB, I think you've found your next birthday theme!).

I suggest you all go out and rent it, and watch it with the family for some wholesome, yuletide good feelings.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Christmas Party! Woo!

OK, so I'm not exactly drunk anymore, but I have to say, office holiday parties — complete with open bar and mingling and chicken on a skewer — rule.

So does stew. Mmmmm...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

And The Week of Eeeeeee Moments Continues... Tonya and Brent are engaged!!!!! May their union bring forth much happiness. And many little Yankee fans. I know Tino is going to be WAY vexed and jealous and whatnot about this, but hey, he had his chance.

Also awesome on this evening: Only at a Dexter birthday party would a night include Eric becoming BFFs with the random mustachioed old guy at the bar (though it was the bartender at Dexter and Vicki's wedding), a crowd of people just feeling the need to sing along with Marvin Gaye, cupcakes served with a healthy dose of sexual innuendo, Dexter being like "I'm way too drunk. And I'm thirsty. I need another beer", people inquiring about what The Chicken's up to these days, Jesse and Vicki pounding back ginger ale the hard stuff to cap off the night, a shot that looked like Aqua Velva and tasted like amoxicillan, and coats taking up more space than people.

All in all, a good night indeed. Except that Liana and I didn't get to hijack the jukebox again and force people to listen to "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" a few times. I guess there is always next year...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Snoopy The Vulture Returns!

Picture 1vulture

So, I guess I was, like, wrong.


C&TB Flashback! Andy Leaves! Tonya and I are Sad!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

You Know What's Awesome?

Walking past a Christmas tree lot and getting to inhale the lovely scent of pine, the kind which you only get for a few weeks a year.

Last night, it smelled particularly heavenly. Ahh.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Believe Half of What You Read

God, people, if you can't see that Andy Pettitte is using the Yankees and his "OMG, I'm SO going to retire" spiel to leverage a deal with the Astros...just, seriously. How long have you been a baseball fan if you believe he REALLY wants to come back to NY? Come on, Verducci, stop fanning the flames...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


When did VH1 Classic start re-airing Pop-Up Video, and why did no one tell me????!!!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Last Chance

The Yankee Chicken had a fabulous photo shoot for his annual holiday card today, so if you want in, e-mail by Wednesday.

Can Someone Please Explain to Me...

...why there is only one weekend Yanks/Sux series in NY and THREE in Boston? Come the fuck on, schedule makers. And that lone Yanks/Sux game I'll get to see with my season ticket package (when it used to be two)? Is the last weekend in April. Thanks a lot, MLB, thanks a whole lot.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


Apollo Creed > Jesus

Just brilliant.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Keeping the NY in Christmas

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I miss when the Rockefeller Center tree lighting was just a New York TV-market thing, not this nationally-televised mess that it's become. I know this is going to sound a bit harsh, but the penultimate performance leading up to the climactic event should NOT include Christina Aguilera caterwauling about her daddy issues while Sasha Cohen gets like two seconds of screen time with an interpretive skate, and nary a mention of a holiday in said performance. Unless you count the subliminal "Buy Christina's Album As A Holiday Gift" message wafting off the rink.

And again with the NBC stars throwing the switch with the Mayor. The 30 Rock people? Really? I guess Alec Baldwin can get by because he's from Long Island, but seriously, where are the uniquely NY people that used to throw the switch?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Quote of the Day

So Jason has been regaling us with tales from the book he's currently reading, The Evolution of Desire, and today he tells Art and I that, historically, men are attracted to bigger backsides and hips because it triggers some biological thing to do with child rearing. So I wanted to know how this explained breast and leg men, and how this was biologically a motivator, to which Jason stroked his chin, looked contemplative for a few moments, and then decided you can't separate the two attributes, because, "It's like Art says: It's not 'the Beatles or the Stones?' It's the Beatles AND the Stones."

Monday, November 27, 2006

I Can't Win


I'm still wearing T-shirts to work. And, just to FYI, this is only two degrees hotter indoors than it was when it was f'ing 100 degrees outside in July. F'ing heat...

Aw, That's Not Very Nice

Picture 1

Still, I'm more bothered by the fact that there should be a comma before the Bisch. And that they probably meant to type "bitch" and then got referred to my blog... Awesome.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Yeah, Right This Very Minute

It's time for The Chicken's most favoritest time of the year! Outside baseball season, of course.

The Chicken wants you to meet his new friend Fabian. Fabian is a decorator who moved to New York to pursue his dreams of acting. And decorating.
Fabian shows us his favorite types of ornaments...

...and The Chicken, of course, has his.

See how pretty it is to represent on the tree?

Aww, it's Christmas in Hoboken!

Our tree is psychadelic, yo.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Fabulously Ugly Turkey Platter Day!


This year, I am thankful that you all read my blog. Have a great Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Reaction of the Day

Picture 2

-- Steph, upon learning that Jeter was snubbed for MVP.

Honorable mention: Jason's eyes bugging out of their sockets when he spied El Capitan's annual salary.

Monday, November 20, 2006

In Which I Literally Spit Out My Drink

Liana and Eric are discussing where to place a possible Christmas tree in their apartment

Jesse: You should put it in your back Santa can see it.

Eric: Why, so I can tackle him too?


Editor's note: Over the summer, a completely freaked-out Eric literally pounced on and was ready to kill a would-be intruder who came up the fire escape and into said back room through the window. Turns out it was a neighbor's drunken house-sitter who climbed into the wrong apartment.

The image of Eric taking down Santa Claus was just too much for me to handle...

It's Not a Book, or a Movie...

...but it is a Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenixteaser trailer!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Let The Chicken Spend the Holidays With You!

...via Christmas card, anyway.

Picture 1

If you'd like to receive a holiday greeting from The Yankee Chicken and myself, send me your address at This year, I'll actually remember to put stamps on them too :)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"Sometimes What Brings the Kids Together is Hating the Lunch Lady"

Love. This. Show.

-- So either Jim and Karen had the quickest courtship ever, or Jim's exaggerating their relationship to Pam. Whatever it is, the writers of this show are geniuses at penning awkward. (And those message board people tonight? Hoooooooeeeee. Now I'm pretty sure some of them think Jim is real and that they have to protect him because Pam's a whorebitch or something. Or at least that's how I'm reading it. AWESOME.)

-- Um, so I totally realized tonight that I've worked with a guy like Andy. So did Dexter and Hollis. That we survived this person without committing a crime is pretty awesome on our parts, considering this person wasn't nearly as entertaining as Andy (he never sang Indigo Girls songs or Haddaway, that's for sure).

-- Toby's failed fist bop made me bust out laughing, as this is Art and Jason's "special" way of saying goodbye every night. And Toby is totally a human Eeyore.

-- I liked Dwight and Andy tonight, but I can see it wearing thin. I can only take Michael and Dwight together in small doses (seperately and with other people, they rock my world, however), and I think it's going to be the case here, too.

-- Coulda done without the product placement, though. You are better than that, Office.

Isn't it awesome that the baseball season and TV seasons only overlap somewhat? What would I be writing if not for this stuff? Oh yeah, that book of mine...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I'd Like to Shoot Their Eye Out

I can't find it on YouTube, nor can I find any articles about it, but I saw the most aggravating thing on TV last night -- the all-time holiday classic A Christmas Story BEING USED TO SELL CELL PHONES. It was for Cingular, if I'm remembering right, and has people acting out the scenes EXACTLY as they look on the big screen, but instead of Ralphie lusting after a BB gun, he WANTS A CELL PHONE, and gets denied at every turn. Even by Santa on the big slidey thing. It's so wrong...nay it's wronger than wrong. It's a fucking sacrelige.

I get the feeling if Jean Shepherd were alive (and the fact that they use a sound-alike narrator is even more disgusting) this thing would never have gotten made.

I'm going to go kick something now and start swearing like Mr. Parker...

ETA: Photo stills from the ad.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Quote of the Day

"He eats hot and sour soup at 10:30 in the mooooorninihihing. That's why Jason is a tramp." -- Jason

Don't ask. But then, if you understand this song, you really don't have to.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Just Because It Might Be One of the Best TV Lines Ever Written

Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. And we’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Also The Office related and on my brain today: It's funny to read people's online arguments about the show. Mostly because these are fictional characters with fictional motivations and people get so worked up about them (not that I'm condemning this -- I could only hope to someday create a character people feel so strongly about that they go online to discuss what drives said fictional character). Sometimes their arguments amuse me, sometimes they actually irk me.

For example, at the Television Without Pity boards (probably the best ones out there because the posters aren't actually officially crazy like at many entertainment forums), there is a debate pitting Pam vs. Karen, and who is better for Jim. One person posted that because Karen seems more direct and will probably confess her feelings to Jim, that she will ultimately win him -- because guys like it when girls admit that they like them. Shyyyyeaaaaah. I don't know what the fictional television dude's gonna go with, but let's just say in real-life, that's only been the result of my femaley admitting actions less than half the time.

It used to be that when I knew how I felt about a guy, I'd either tell him or ask him out — I'm not the sit around and pine type (I've only done it a few times and I give the menfolk credit for being historically saddled with the "asking out" task. It's tough, yo.). In a few of those instances, the dude was interested enough to go out. The others? Yeah, I pretty much realized if you have to do the asking/telling, it's probably not written in the stars. I don't know if this is a guy = aggressor mentality or that they just weren't interested or a combination of both. In most of the cases, it's worked out for the best that it didn't happen anyway, so I don't feel bad for nipping it in the bud instead of hiding my feelings. Still, they said no, and I'm inclined to think that I'm not the only chick who has gotten rejected. And I would hope a guy wouldn't go out with someone "just to be nice because the girl asked you out". I know I wouldn't do that to a guy -- that's worse than saying no.

Maybe the fictional sweetheart that is Jim could fall head over heels for a possibly aggressive Karen move because he sees how much he means to her. Like I said, it has worked in my favor on a few ocassions. But I do know that not every guy is going to go out with you and fall madly in love with you just because you want them to -- just like every girl isn't going to go out with a guy because he did the asking. Rejection plays no favorites to either sex, I'm afraid.

And that concludes this installment of Oprah, KB-style.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I Always Knew He Was a Stah

So it looks as if Sasquatch (Chewboken's predecessor, for those who aren't in the know) had a busy life in TVs first reality series before he moved to Hoboken. How did I not know this? And what happened to the orphan he adopted?

All of his loud, jolting noises make so much sense now. He was just jumping off his bed pretending it was a cliff, or throwing household objects in lieu of trees. Aww.

It doesn't explain Chewboken, however, who apparently doesn't need more than four hours of sleep a night. Freak.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Showing a Little Leg...

IMG_0937 you can see what Walt Disney World does to people. You know, the stuff people DON'T tell you about because it's like Fight Club or something.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

My Supercalafragalisticexpialadocious Weekend


Well, my first trip to Disney World was way excellent. The weather was perfect, the company was swell and it was wonderful to be transported back to being 7 years old for a few days.

Some thoughts:

-- It's a good damn thing I didn't go to Disney as a child -- I probably would have wanted to live on some of the rides. It was some of the most imaginative stuff I've ever seen. The frozen head of Walt Disney should be proud.

-- One thing that irked me about the place was its refusal to acknowledge any characters outside the Big Five (Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald and Pluto) or "the Princesses" or those who are in a DVD that is out now (basically, if Lady and the Tramp wasn't out on video in re-release at the moment, I wouldn't have seen much of my two favorite animated characters, and that would've sucked.) Like, the merchandising pretty much centered around all those mentioned above -- barely any love for the likes of Pongo and Perdita, the Hunchback, Bambi, Robin Hood, Dumbo, et. al. And forget the live-action movies. If you aren't Mary Poppins or a character from the highly over-rated Pirates of the Caribbean, you don't exist at this park. Anything relating to my holy trinity of live-action Disney movies from childhood (Old Yeller, The Parent Trap, and my all-time live-action Disney fave, Pollyanna) were nowhere to be seen. Very disappointing, considering they have a giant treasure trove of films to pull from.


-- One of the nicest things is getting to see all the kids get so excited when the characters come out on stage in front of the castle, and start singing about dreams coming true and what not. What's that you say? You heard I got weepy upon seeing Mickey and Cinderella and Co. going on about believing in your dreams? Lies, I tell you, evil lies!

-- I've never gone a ride more than once while visiting a park -- but I went on Soarin' at Epcot THREE times. Holy crap, I've never been on something more amazing...

...Primeval Whirl, on the other hand...uh, let's just say the NYC subway turnstiles have NOTHING on this fucker when it comes to doling out leg bruises. I am the klutziest klutz to have ever klutzed and I have NEVER gotten a black-and-blue so huge. I guess I should see it as some kind of accomplishment. Or battle scar.

Erica's stalkerIMG_0757

-- Seagulls are not the only birds that stalk you for food. Oh no, my friends, I now know that ducks, yes DUCKS, will follow people around looking for something to eat. And ibises? Yeah, they will sit right next to you and stare all creepy like until you either finish what you eat or give them something. And then some bratty child comes along and starts throwing popcorn at them and you have to pray you don't get pooped on.

Elephant go pee pee

-- Speaking of animals doing their business, I got to see an elephant pee and a bald eagle poop, all in the course of one hour. Woo! And let me tell you, it was the most waste I've ever had the pleasure of seeing an animal produce. Awesome.


-- There is something so completely and utterly wrong with walking around on a sunny, 80-degree day...and hearing "White Christmas" blaring from the PA system.

--It is VERY hard for an expletive NOT to come out when you are on a roller coaster in the dark of night and it looks like you are about to slam into a rock, only for the roller coaster to lead you down a very quick dip. What do you want me to say? "Oh, pooooooooooop?"

--There were tons of Yankee fans around the parks, which warmed the heart greatly. And there was one odd family that included the dad in a Red Sox hat, one son in a Mets shirt and the other in a Mussina shirt. How does that happen? Like, seriously?


-- I don't know -- this picture just reminded me of something you'd see painted on the spare tire cover on the back of a van in 1985 or something.

In the Still of the Night, and Day, and Following Night

For the next 24 hours-plus I am not getting on anything that rolls, shakes, shimmies, bumps, grinds, fakes-out-turns, toot-toots, jostles body parts to the point of bruising, swooshes, creaks, splashes, lights up like a disco dance floor, looks three-dimensional, requires 3457 minutes of standing on line for, changes altitudes or remotely resembles public transportation.

In fact, the most adventurous thing I plan to "ride" tomorrow is the toilet. Maybe the sofa, if I'm feeling saucy. And then I'm going to get lunch -- without waiting on line for four hours for it. Ahhhh. It's going to be a great day.

You might think this means I had a lousy time at Disney, but it's quite the opposite. I had too much fun. My legs, feet and possibly my dislocated brain are now way pissed off as a result. They are happy to be on terra firma again. Even if it is a good 40 degrees colder here than it was down there...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

It's a small world afterall, bitches.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


Thursday, November 02, 2006

My 5-Year-Old Self Is WAY Jealous of Me Right Now


You may have a bitchin' Smurf bag, little KB, but I'm going to Disney World, sucka.

Live cell-phone blogging starts tomorrow night, when Erica, another Erica and myself touch down in Orlando (but not in time to get any Chick-Fil-A. Bah.) for a long weekend of Mickey time.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Efffffffffff Yooooooouuuuuuu, Lost

You dare kill off my favorite character (LAMELY -- why didn't he just die in the hatch explosion? Oh, right, he wasn't arrested in real life in that point. Moral to the story? Don't do anything illegal while a cast-member of this show) and expect me to eagerly anticipate your "season finale" till February?

You're lucky creepy eye patch guy was...creepy. Because otherwise, you're really starting to piss me off.

Bad Andy

When did Andy Pettitte become such a tool? He goes to Houston so his wife can keep him on a shorter leash because the Yankees didn't attend to his needs as quickly as he would've liked, and now he's suffering from burnout? More than likely, he's probably using this as a bargaining tool or maybe he's way bogged down by sadness because his BFF Clemens will retire (shyeah right), but come the frig on, Andy. You used to be somebody. A good somebody. A World Champion somebody.

Can the 12-year-old mood swingy behavior, and get your ass back there again.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

In Which It's Almost Just Another Day of the Year

So it's Halloween, and I'm sad to say that I've only seen two people dressed up thus far. One guy was dressed as Pee Wee Herman, and if the delighted reaction of the people on my bus was any indication, he may win a prize if his office is offering one. The other was a woman on Fifth Ave. dressed as a pilgrim, but there's a chance that may not have been a costume since I've seen Menonites around the city every now and then.

To me, it speaks volumes about a person if they don a costume to work, and it speaks volumes about a company that encourages it. These are people/companies that don't take themselves too seriously, and the world could do with more of that. And it's not that hard to do. For example, Dexter's company (a book publisher) is having its employees dress up like their favorite literary characters. I mean, how awesome would it be to get a bunch of girls together and go as The Baby-Sitter's Club? Something like that makes you think about your costume, too. Like, you can't just be a slutty witch or a farmer. It's kinda, gasp, creative.

Plus, there's something challenging about the sun being out when all this goes down. Any fool can dress up for a drunken night out, where everyone else is costumed and tipsy at a bar or a party. But it takes a certain kind of person to dress up in broad daylight, knowing 3/4 of the population of a city isn't dressing up, then having to wear their creation for 8 hours-plus of stone-cold sober work time. That, my friends, is a person with a sense of humor. So kudos to them for embracing it.

Because our big boss was in town today, I couldn't dress up like a slutty copy editor, but that doesn't mean I can't think slutty copy editor thoughts. Rarrrr. I mean, highlighters, proofreader's marks and the AP Stylebook = teh hotness...

Monday, October 30, 2006

Of Course, There'll Be Nothing to Blog About if He's Quiet...

Since I've just about had it with the lord of loud himself, Chewboken, I've finally composed a note to leave for him, requesting that he puts down a rug in his bedroom. The thing is, I'm not sure how he's going to respond (the Great Hair Incident of 2006 comes to mind -- if he's going to fly off the handle that much about something that grows back, I'm not sure how he'd take a neighborly suggestion), so I keep putting it off. But perhaps there is a better way to tell him. So I'm going to let you vote and decide how I can go about doing this:

How Should KB Tell Chewboken That He's Being Too Loud?
Have Erica tell Melissa who tells the landlord who tells Chewboken's roommate who tells Chewboken
Knock three times on the ceiling, or twice on the pipe
Have The Chicken do it
Raid a Hoboken "social club" and blackmail one of the older gents to do it
Spell it out in cookies
Say it in a song, a la Jim Croce
Have his hairstylist shave it into his hair
Have the Hoboken High marching band stomp on the floor above him and see how he likes it
Have a mime act it out for him...oh wait...
Keep blogging about it passive-aggressively in the hopes that he reads it someday
Free polls from

Friday, October 27, 2006

Always Go With Your Gut


I wonder why it is these "experts" would have so much faith in the Cards to make the World Series without even seeing them play this season, yet kick them to the curb when they do indeed make it to the playoffs.

I'm just guessing they all got high or drank the "Hot Thing At the Moment WINS" Kool-Aid when October rolled around.

I'm sending out bloggery Eeeeeeeeees! to the blogging Cardnials faithful -- I've never had reason to root for another team before, but knowing y'all would be delighted with the result made me actually clap a bit with the final out.

And, uh, has there always been this on-the-field trophy presentation in the World Series? I know it's been six years, but I feel like the Yankees always got their trophy in the locker room...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

You Never Forget Your First Time (Oh, Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter)

10 years ago today, right around this time, the Yankees beat the Atlanta Braves to win the World Series for the first time I could remember in my life.

I remember it was Parents' Day at Delaware, that it was a stunning day, that the Blue Hens beat James Madison in the football game that afternoon and that my parents took me to dinner at Friday's, where I had Yankee pot roast instead of the chicken fingers I so loved there.

I remember I had Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin' by Journey stuck in my head all day.

I remember I was wearing a white thermal shirt and gray sweatpants during the game, too preoccupied with what could happen to even think about looking fashionable.

I remember watching the later innings with the Yankee fans on my floor, Heather and Jason, and that as the game went deeper, that I wouldn't let myself think. Of anything.

I remember my jaw being clenched and my eyes bugging out most of the game, and that when John Wetteland decided to make things exciting in the 9th, that I had to literally clutch onto the cinderblock wall of my dorm room for support.

And I remember the final pop up: it's as if Charlie Hayes was squeezing the most fantastic, soberly drunken, orgasmic, unable-to-operate-heavy-machinery, snow day, Ode to Joy-meets-The 1812 Overture-meets-Tutti Fruitti, electric, first kiss, get the job, see a city skyline, James Brown, sugar rush, Christmas morning, your favorite song on the radio, absurd, sunrise, sunset, beating Super Mario Brothers, getting your driver's license, breathlessly magnificent moment of my life into his glove along with the final out.

I remember the scream that rose up inside me and that I had absolutely no control over it...because the Yankees were champions of baseball.

I remember frantically high fiving and hugging Heather and Jason, running up the stairs to celebrate with my friends on the third floor, (the musty smell of the stairwell at that moment being one of the loveliest scents I will ever recall) running back down and calling my parents at the party they were at and celebrating with more people in the dorm...all in less than three minutes.

I remember a friend telling me later that he was walking across campus and that all of a sudden, this collective roar went up and that he was confused for a moment before it dawned on him: The Yankees must've won the World Series.

I remember I didn't go to bed till about 4 a.m. -- not because I went out and got drunk to celebrate. Nay, I was merely soaking it in that whole time. Elated doesn't quite describe the feeling. It was something beyond that.

The Yanks would go on to win three more titles in the next four years, and I hold all those moments close to my heart. But there's just something about that first time that superpasses all the rest; Something about the purity or the insane unabashed joy or the "did this really just happen"ness of it.

It is the loveliest feeling in the world, and you keep it in your heart. Always.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Why Didn't We Think of This Sooner?

OMG! I think I've figured out how we can get A-Rod to reach his full potential and embrace his inner clutchiness and be the non-baby eating superhero he's supposed to be!

We must make him wrestle his fear.

rod Picture 1

If that's not the recipe for complete and total success, I don't know what is.

The Other A-Hyphen Person

Aww, my darling little A-Fed is making his way in the world. And singing in Spanish!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Just Wondering

When did the word "Dentist" become synonymous with "Crook"? Because lately, I feel like anyone I know who goes to get their teeth looked at comes out needing a shit load of work done for an even bigger shit load of money. See: A friend being told it would cost $15,000 to have some cavaties filled, my mom being told she needed $5,000 worth of periodontal work done (when she eventually got it done by another dentist for less than a quarter of that), people being told they need their wisdom teeth out when said wisdom teeth are fine, another friend looking into lumineers, and instead getting her smile insulted by the dentist so she'd go for a more expensive option, and a lot of people I know who go in for a routine cleaning...and come out needing several kinds of procedures done.

I know the mouth is a complex thing. But you can't tell me that it's THAT problematic of a place at all times. And that expensive of a place to boot.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Re: The Other "Pine Tar Game"

Picture 1

If 1) there isn't a full-scale MLB inquiry into what was or wasn't (BWAH!) on Kenny Rogers' hand and 2)He isn't suspended for at least the rest of the Series, I want to hear one loud mother f'ing public outcry for Bud Selig's head.

Although my guess is that if Bud pussyfoots around this (like every other big issue in the game) and the fans start getting pissed off about having trust issues with national pastime and threaten to stop coming out to the ballpark, we'll be subjected to something like Bud's Best. Bandaid. EVER: "The game's tied after the 12th inning? Well, guess what, kids? It's time for the home-run derby tie-breaker! OMG! You LIVE for this!"

Anything to keep that legacy of all the "good" he's done for the game intact...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Since When Does the World Series Need an Opening Act?

There is so much wrong with this Game 2 pregame, my head is about to explode.

*ETA -- And maybe the worst rendition of the National Anthem I've ever heard. Good show, Anita, good show.

Thank God I Didn't Pay to See It

Did you ever see a movie that made you never want to see another movie again? In a bad way?

That'd be Shopgirl for me.

Maybe it's because I'm a firm believer in not dating a complete stranger just for the sake of dating them and hoping to find "a connection" and therefore can't "get" this movie, but god damn that was two dreary hours of my life I'm never going to get back.

Shades of Gray: What You Can't See With Your Stupidity Glasses On

I really don't get why it is that when the playoffs start, any shred of common sense sports writers/fans/oddsmakers have flies out the window. I don't get how anyone could be "shocked" by the Cardinals "stunning" the Tigers last night. Unless you see everything in black in white, you'd know that this Series (and every other one for that matter) is pretty much anyone's game. Don't feed me that crap about the Tigers having momentum or the Cardinals only having 83 wins in the regular season -- that all goes out the window when you start a new, best-of-seven series. ANYTHING is possible. Yet it always feels like that when an "overwhelming" favorite is picked, people tend to forget that it's two MLB clubs playing here and that one has not suddenly devolved into the team from St. Joe's Home for the Blind. And then everyone acts all "This is SO crazy!" when the "underdog" comes in to take a game or possibly take it all.

Yeah. You've totally been watching baseball for a long time if you fall into this trap. Uh-huh.

I know the Tigers have been dominant in the post season thus far, but seriously. You'd think the Cardinals were playing the '27 Yankees the way people are talking. And last time I checked the '27 Yankees didn't back into the playoffs after sucking the latter half of the season. In fact, the Tigers have a little more in common with the Cardinals because of that. Yet a few playoff performances have suddenly made them "untouchable" or "destined" or something. That's just a load of hooey.

Because the last time I checked, the term "wildcard" isn't included in the definition of "destiny." I'm just sayin'.

Friday, October 20, 2006

It's Officially the Offseason in New York

First off, my sympathies to the good Mets fans out there (and Willie) who are probably hurting right now -- I know there's not much one can say to help it feel better, but know I've got your back.

But to the sucky ones who are mean to people they've never even met (wishing death on grandmas and such)? I hope this hurts like a mother f'ing bitch and that you're crying in a corner somewhere. And peeing yourself.

Anyway. Random thoughts:

Things I hope I never have to see again while watching a Fox game:

The Constant. Closeups. Of Angsty. Fans. Interspersed. With. Extreme Closeups. Of Pitcher. Then Catcher. Then Manager. Then Guy in On-Deck Circle. Then Angsty Fan Praying. Then Batter. Then Fan Talking on Cellphone Next to Fan Pulling Hat Down Over His Head. Then Pitcher. And So On. It's been their annoying-ass formula come the eighth inning for a few years now. Like, give me the pitcher and the batter and I'll be OK with it. Seriously.

-- Rally towels? In New York? Say it ain't so! I suppose it could be worse -- it could be ThunderStix.

-- I love how sadly they light the "Losing Manager Interview". I always half expect that they're going to roll out a dimly-lit piano player, hand the manager a cigarette and a glass of whiskey, and hope he breaks out into "One For My Baby."

-- I'm pulling for the Cards to win the Series for three reasons 1)A great blogger I know will be extremely happy if they do. 2)It's about damn time they pull it out in the post-season. And, the most important of all, 3) Their uniforms rock my world (my second fave after the Yankee Pinstripes/Road Grays). I mean, come on! Little serious-looking, possibly pissed-off birds! Hanging out on a bat! I don't know when I've ever seen that happen in real-life, but on a uni? It fucking rules.

So go Red Birds! As long as you don't start the Yankees Suck chant (rumored to have been going around the Tigers/A's game last week, which, spare me), you'll be A-OK in my book.

But The Yankee Chicken remains loyal to one team and one team alone. Just so we're clear here.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Quote of the Day

"It's like watching 2 Third World Countries play in the Olympics!"

-- Ken's incredulous response to the idea of a Detroit/Mets World Series.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


OMG! Chewboken just came clippity-cloppiting into his room AND HE WAS SINGING.

How...almost human of him.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Three Years Ago Today (Or Early Tomorrow, Depending on Your Time Zone)


Ah, not only one of the best moments to be a Yankee fan, but also one of the best moments in my life. Seriously.

And also, one of my best blog posts ever. Not sure you can ever recapture that....

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Cow Goes "Moo", The Sheep Go "Baa" and The Scapegoat Goes "Get a Better Argument, Bitches."

Since most of you have your minds made up either way about Mr. Rodriguez's place in or out of New York, I doubt this will do much in the grand scheme of things. But I would like to at least TRY to dispell any of these following misconceptions, as I fear people have been brainwashed or merely are just too tired of thinking about A-Rod to look further into the offenses of which they speak. So, I give you, my Alex Rodriguez Magnum Opus of Defenditude. These are several arguments I've heard writers and fans try to give as reasons that Alex should be traded. I think they're all bullshit. Here's why.

The "A-Rod is a Distraction" Argument: When I was in school, and someone was considered a "distraction" it was usually the hyperactive kid the teacher couldn't handle and was somehow taking away learning time from the rest of the class. But if A-Rod is this paste-eating, wound-up child and the Yankees are the innocent second graders with their perfect macaroni artwork, how exactly did he hurt them?

Cano, before and after injury, was Hits Fucking McGee. Damone had a fantastic offensive year. El Capitan was in the mid .300s of batting average for most of the season. Mariano posted his fourth straight season of a below 2 ERA. Posada had the most impressive year I've ever seen out of him behind the plate. Melky Cabrera showed himself to be "the fewtcha". Wang had a surprising season to some, but not to those who saw the promise in him last year. Like, there was so much blossoming on this team, you'd think they were serving Scotts Turf Builder in the pregame buffet.

So who was he a "distraction" to then? Giambi? Hmm. He did only have a .252 batting average...but the man has yet to figure out how to hit around "the shift" teams employ against him. Perhaps he was so busy taking it upon himself to get A-Rod to man up or whatever that he couldn't focus on changing his swing a bit. Was Alex distracting Randy Johnson so hard that Randy had to keep turning around to look at the ADD-kid that he hurt his back? Was Jaret Wright so freaked out by A-Rod's nose-picking that he could never pitch past the 6th inning for fear Alex might wipe his boogers on him? Was he "distracting" Hideki Matsui to the point that Hideki was too busy paying attention to A-Rod mooning the teacher when he should've been fielding, and broke his wrist as a result? I somehow think not.

Oh, and ahem. THEY WON 97 GAMES WITH THAT PASTE EATER. And what was that? Oh, the best record in the AL and tied for the best in baseball. If I can have someone "distracting" me to that point of success in my life, please sit them in my cubicle or in my room when I need to be writing my book.

Perhaps we are talking about the playoffs then? That maybe the entire lineup slumped after Game 1, and Moose wasn't lights-out when he needed to be, and RanJo and Jaret Wright plain sucked because they were so concerned with what Alex was doing? Saying this is as lame as suggesting that maybe they were "distracted" by Jeter's greatness in Game One and subsequent questions regarding that, and that they felt they didn't need to do anything because Jeter and his clutchiness will always get it done.

Or maybe they're a bunch of grown men who I would hope to god have learned by now that what concerns someone else isn't their problem. Aww, the media's asking questions about him -- I'm sure it's hard to think up a bullshit response or simply say "No comment." If it's because they feel "pressure" because they need to pick up where A-Rod's not producing -- it's still THEIR JOB to go out and get a hit when it's needed. And they're not producing either. I don't care if he's striking out or hitting a home run ahead of you, you're still being paid to get on base for yourself.

So, really, I think the only one A-Rod is distracting is you from paying attention to the rest of the team. And really, whose problem is that?

The "A-Rod Needs to Stop Whining About Media and Fans Booing Him" Argument: I know that I am not omniscient and can't possibly have my finger on the pulse of all the media out there, but when, preytell, did A-Rod have this big hissy fit about the media and alleged fans? I'VE complained about it to no end. So have some blogger friends 'o mine, Rudy Giuliani, Reggie Jackson, Brian Cashman and the random columnist. But A-Rod himself? The most I've heard out of him was the whole "They won't be happy till I hit a walk-off homer in a World Series" or whatever he said. And that? Was truthful. I've NEVER heard him blame his play on what the fans are doing or what Lupicass and Friends are writing about him. He was pretty much a boring soundbite all season regarding this, so I'd like to know just where the whole fable of his non-stop whinyness about this issue stems from.

The "A-Rod Can't Perform in the Playoffs" Argument: I'm going to lay off the whole "Uh, why aren't you just as mad at the rest of this candy-ass lineup for their lack of hitting" spiel for a sec and address this head on. He sucked this series. He sucked in the Angels series. He had a decent opening to the Sox series, then fell apart (ahem, as did almost everyone else on this team, ahem). I will tell you this -- they don't get to that 2004 ALCS without A-Rod. I was at the game he tied up (and almost won, if the ball had gone a few more inches) for the Yanks in Game 2. In Game 4, with the Yanks rallying back from a nice defecit (thanks to the, you guessed it, shaky pitching staff), he pretty much manufactures the winning run all by himself. This was his first playoff series in Pinstripes, mind you. It's one of only four that he's played in.

Let's see. In the last four playoff series (that A-Rod has also been involved in), Jorge has hit .222, .259. .239 and .500 respectively. With 0 RBI in that first series, 2, 2, and 2 in the next (keep in mind those last two RBI were completely meaningless as the Yanks were being mauled at that point -- because I know this is an argument A-Rod's detractors like to trot out, that being how meaningless his hits/RBIs can be). People weren't crying for his head -- oh, right, because he's a True Yankee. So let's look at the Giambino then. He...well, lookey here. He never saw a playoff game in 2004 because he was popping roids (to cheat, mind you, not for his health) like candy and nearly killing himself. I wonder if that hurt the Yankees at all? Naaaaah. Anyway, so in the other two series he's seen since A-Rod's been here, he hit .421 and .125 respecitvely, with a whopping four RBI in total for both series. I guess because he takes his criticsms like a man, he gets a free pass.

Now, for Mr. Sucktastic himself, A-Rod -- .421, .258, .133 and .071, 3 RBI, then 5, 0 and 0. Hmm. So he was productive in two series and sucked in two. But so have the guys listed above (and others I don't have the energy to bring up right now). And they get to play without people like me having to go in and defend them on their blogs. Nice.

The "He Isn't Liked In the Clubhouse/Isn't Liked by the Team Captain" Argument: This one is rich because in today's Daily News, they ask Jim Leyritz what the Yankees need to do to win the Series again. He says they need someone like himself to light a fire in their belly. He doesn't say anything about A-Rod, but they used this quote in their "Trade A-Rod Now" spiel. Interesting that in either 1992 or 1993 (probably before many even knew this team existed), someone (rumored to be Don Mattingly) left a note in the big-headed Leyrtiz's locker that read "There is No I in Team." That was a good few seasons before he became "clutch" in the playoffs. And let's not forget Reggie Jackson vs. Thurman Munson and Reggie vs. Billy. Yeah, he was great in the playoffs, but if you were running the team, he'd have been out of there simply because, ohmigosh, he wasn't liked!

This isn't high school, these are grown men. Yet everytime I see this argument, I have to wonder how many people are stuck in 90210 mode. And I don't see Jeter and A-Rod growing sideburns anytime soon, so whatever.

The "He's a Liability at Third" Argument: He was atrocious at third this season. Nobody knows why, for sure, but he did seem to come out of it the more the summer wore on. If he'd been god-awful the first two seasons, I'd be very concerned, but the fact that he had two pretty solid seasons defensively before this makes me think this to shall pass.

And stop using Chuck Knoblauch as a measuring stick. Just becauase he went all yippy for a few seasons following his bad one, doesn't mean A-Rod will. Who's Chuck Knoblauch, you ask? OY VEY.

The "If We Trade Him, We Can Get A LOT Back For Him" Argument: Sure, Johann Santana is interesting or any other big-name pitcher or Chone Figgins or any "role player" you could get for A-Rod. But remember why you want to trade Mr. Rodriguez here: You think he (with his 35-plus homers and mid-hundreds RBI totals per year, and MVP performance of last season) can't hack it in New York. Is there any guarantee that somebody from a small market team (hell, even a large market team) can come take the heat of New York? Uh, didn't you just want to ride A-Rod out on a rail because of this?

There's "A-Rod to the White Sox for some of their pitchers" (Uh, yeah, you really think the World Series champs from last year is going to deal their bread and butter?), "A-Rod to the Cubs for their pitchers" (What IS this? Pitching is at such a premium, and the last time I checked, a huge part of winning the game -- you truly think you're going to trade pitching for offense when you don't have a leg to stand on without said pitching?) And my favorite fan trade talk is A-Rod for...Adrian Beltre and Felix Hernandez. Are you laughing at this? It might be the best joke I've heard all year. Adrian had one breakout season three years ago, has been mediocre since then (and was pretty damn mediocre before said breakout year), while Fernandez posted a mediocre 4.52 era last season.

You're giving up an MVP First Ballot Hall-of-Famer, who, you know, actually makes a significant contribution (oh, wait, you don't see this. My bad.) for THAT? I'm going to go pop a few Advil now and chase it with a bottle of Vodka.

The "He's Hurting His Career By Staying Here and Should Go Somewhere Where He Can Grow Again": That's a nice thought. But seriously. Do you REALLY think the only reason he's being picked on right now is because he "can't produce" in New York? He IS producing. So he had an "off year," big fucking whoop. If he goes to Anaheim and cranks out a .342 batting average with 56 homers and 154 RBI, he's STILL going to have the stigma over him that he couldn't make it in New York (and that he's a stat-padder). Even if the media/fans don't say that (which they will, who am I kidding?), he's proven himself to be a bit of an obsessive sort, (as have the media regarding him) and that's always going to stick with him. He'll be considered a fantastic player, but when he had his chance to "prove himself on one of the biggest stages" he "failed". So he can't win if he's shipped out, either. But you'll be happy because the Yankees won't be missing the 113 runs he scored (third to Jeter and Damon) or his lifetime .573 slugging percentage or anything like that.

The "He Can Never Win With the Fans" Arguement: Yes, because I want the frat boys from Westchester — who come to one game a year decked-out in the Yankee finery they bought two days ago, who think Luis Sojo is still on the team, who drink about seven beers apiece (by the third inning), who get pissed off when people in their section don't join in The Wave they're trying to start, who read Mike Lupica and believe all the shit they hear on Baseball Tonight (when they watch it once a month), who start booing A-Rod because it's is the Livestrong bracelet of 2006 — to be the ones making the decisions for my team. (Do I really need to insert an eyeroll here?)

Real fans aren't booing A-Rod, and real fans know that their frustrations shouldn't lie with just one person on a team. You know, the team RBI leader. (And before you start in with those those "non-clutch" RBI or whatever, let me remind you that before he came to New York and was So Much Better Than Derek Jeter or whatever, he had a lot of big stats, including RBI totals. Were THEY all "clutch"? Probably not -- yet it didn't deter people from thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread. But put a Yankee uniform on him, and now it's simply not good enough. Interesting.)

We don't know that it's the media and fans and ensuing hullabaloo that made him have this "off" year anyway. The only time I heard him offer anything in the way of an excuse was when he vaguely alluded to the fact that he was hurt and didn't want to talk about it (and which everybody promptly pounced on him for making a "convenient" excuse) And I'm sure if he does bring anything up, even if it's the truth, he'll get shit on for it. Because he really can't win with some people.

But that's not a reason you deal a future Hall of Famer.

Think of all the promising players who came here and couldn't deal with the pressure...and actually sucked. Think of all the players who DON'T want to come to New York because of the "pressure". Yet he has a no-trade clause because, gasp, he wants to stick it out here. Instead of pushing this dude out the door because you are frustrated with the entire team (but refuse to admit this to yourself), why not keep that in mind -- for all the crap he's taken (and not "whined and complained" about it) he wants to find a way to win. Here. Perhaps he knows he doesn't need people behind him to actually accomplish something, but I'd like to think it'd be a lot more fun if they actually did.

The song has remained the same since 2002 -- the Yankees need pitching. Like, four quality starting pitchers and not 2 1/2. With some bullpen help that isn't 74 years old. And they need the ENTIRE LINEUP not to choke in the postseason like they've done since then. You look at the 2002 ALDS, 2003 World Series, 2004 ALCS, 2005 ALDS and 2006 ALDS it has been some combination of the those two things that bounced them. NOT ALEX RODRIGUEZ. Yes, it is frustrating to see him do lousy in big situations. But it's just as frustrating to see it out of the other 8 batters and 2 1/2 pitchers when it counts.

You trade him, he will come back to haunt you, I guarantee it. But more importantly, if you're trading him because you think he's the only problem and that the Yankees will get another title once he's gone...well, that's your opinion and you're entitled to it.

I just happen to think it sucks.

Why I Don't Listen to Sports Talk Radio

So my dad and I were just driving around, looking for a sincere pumpkin patch, and listening to ESPN radio. Of course, the talk is of the Mets/Cards series, but it slowly turns into the exact reason why I 1) Have lost complete patience with the sports talk-radio format and 2) I hate living in a two-team town: It becomes about the Yankees, more importantly, how much Yankee fans suck. Now, I know the station wants to do this to stir up the ire of both fanbases and get people calling in. But it also brings out the fans I hate the most: The Stupid Ones.

For example: this dude calls in and is all "I was at a Mets/Marlins game and these 20-something girls come in in Yankee gear and start harassing the Mets fans. I don't understand Yankee fans. Met fans NEVER do this."

Au contraire, mon frere. I recall a game two years ago (it was either the Bloody Sock Game of Doom or a Tampa Bay/Yankees game in September -- I don't have the Journal handy. All I know is that it was just me and Tonya and some nasty weather) where in two teenage girls in Mets shirts sit ahead of us, and proceed to mock Yankee fans and talk about 1986 and generally be obnoxious and screamy for the entirety of the game. It prompted the guys next to us to be all "Were you even alive in 1986?" Also, let's not talk about the Met fan who referred to a dear friend of mine as a "whore" and wished death on her grandmother because she has the audacity to root for the Braves and Yankees. Ahem. But I've never gone around and assumed that all Met fans behave this way. I can see the forest for the trees.

And I KNOW my fanbase has assholes. Do I see it in action? Not really -- the people I hang with are classy as hell (unless provoked, and even then they stick to the facts). But I can't claim ignorance simply because of what I see. I am not the mighty and all knowing. I've heard stories second-hand, and I know the bandwagon is overflowing -- the jackass people who refer to themselves as Yankee fans are out there and deserve to be bitchslapped. Had the caller left off the whole part about "Met fans NEVER do this," (and not insinuated that all Yankee fans behave this way) I would've been on his side completely.

I also know for all the Stupid Fans and Harassers out there, the majority are not like this. Like I said, they probably let this blowhard on the air to stir up blowhard Yankee fans and start an on-air war of words. But it is a disturbing concept, especially when the talk of the day should be about what the Cardinals and Mets did the night before and what they're going to do tonight, and not about people painting fans of the other team in town all the same color while being ignorant to your own.

...and then they started in on the "A-ROD MUST BE TRADED. NOW." talk from a guy who said he hasn't been a diehard fan since "The True Yankee Days", and I just lost it completely. But that is a post that is forthcoming...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I Heart The Office

Any show that can work in "On the Wings of Love", badly sung — and accompanied by a recorder, no less — is a show after my own heart.

Though Jim has to get away from Stamford and now. I don't care if he's flirting with a girl I share a name with. She's NOT PAM.

Oh lord. I've turned into a 'shipper. I am so ashamed of myself... or not.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Dear God

Picture 2

Cory Lidle?

Oh man, this puts a lot of shit in perspective.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Oh, Sweet Sarcasm, How I Love Thee

Best. A-Rod post. EVER. (And no, that's not sarcastic.)

Just a snippet, so you'll want to go over and read the whole, AWESOME thing yourself:

In the end, Cano and the other Real Yankees tried so hard to overcompensate for A-Rod killing their chances, they hurt their own abilities to hit. Jason Giambi (whose YGH quotient almost equals his HGH levels) wracked his brain so hard last night trying to figure out a way to save the team, Torre had to rest him in this deciding game. Even though he’d have been useful against Jeremy Bonderman, who Tigers’ manager Jim Leyland said struggled with good lefties, he just didn’t have the mental stamina to play today, at least according to his manager.

If A-Rod could only handle it, then the Giambino would have been there today.

Let’s not forget A-Rod's succubus effect on the pitchers. Mike Mussina tried his hardest to keep A-Rod’s imminent failure out of his mind. After all, when he tossed A-Rod under the bus before, no matter how deserving the third baseman was, it was not good for the team chemistry. So he tried to keep his mouth shut and do his job. But when the Tigers were rallying in Game Two, Mussina knew that A-Rod was going to let the team down. So he tried to be fine. He tried to be perfect. And in the end, he failed.

Nay, A-Rod failed.

Thanks to June for pointing it out.

And A-Rod's the Head Case?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Gary Sheffield:

"We were worrying about all of that stuff, and we still had a game to play. If I'm on the other side, and all of a sudden they're putting Rodriguez eighth and putting me or Jason on the bench, you wonder what's going on. Those guys [the Tigers] were asking me about it. I think it boosted their morale. It gave them confidence they didn't have.

"[Tigers manager] Jim Leyland took advantage of that. He can make you believe anything. He can put a fire under your belt like you never had before in your life.

"Not to make excuses, but we didn't have that."

And I give you... Gary Sheffield:

"I knew a lot of stuff was going to come out soon after we lost but I didn't expect the finger to be pointed at Joe," Gary Sheffield said. "I didn't think anybody would point the finger at Joe because he is a hero in New York."

Asked if Torre deserves blame for two straight first-round exits, Sheffield said it goes to the players.

"It's always on the players," Sheffield said. "I don't care, it's always on the players."

Now, I liked that Gary's first quote was somewhat in defense of A-Rod (and please don't get me started on the "Oh, OK! Let's get rid of A-Rod because the most productive third baseman in recent Yankee history is the sole reason they can't win a World Series. He's a 121-non-clutch-RBI distraction that stopped this team from being the 1998 Yankees re-incarnated. AND HE GOES OUT IN 98-DEGREE WEATHER WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON. OMG!!! He must die!!! They don't need starting pitching and the lineup to stop flaking out all around! They need to get rid of his pretty boy ass! ") but don't be a fucking hypocrite.

Then again, I guess I can't trust the media worth a damn and maybe Gary didn't say anything remotely close to any of this.

Is it February yet?


For a different view of how the Yankees can be bad for baseball, please check out Philly2Hoboken's response to my previous post.

Monday, October 09, 2006

A Little Bit of This and That

Things comforting me today:

-- All the Yankee hats/jackets I saw this morning. I swear, in my ten-minute walk, I saw one every few feet. It was so lovely. I can never leave New York.

-- The brownies Rana made for me. Because everyone knows that losing sucks, but at least a little chocolate can soften the blow just a bit.

Saw this on Shannon's blog, and I gotta say, she sums it up pretty well:

But if there was one thing I could change, it would be the hate for my team that everyone who is not a Yankees fan seems to have. This tangent is brought on by a number of things, the foremost of which being I just saw that Tommy Lasorda "October is a time to root against the Yankees!" commercial because it got me upset all over again. I'm sick of every other baseball fan hating the Yankees just on principle. I'm sick of people hearing "Yankees fan" and automatically writing me off as a bandwagon asshole. I'm sick of my team and my fans always being the bad guys, the evil ones. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of people making me feel guilty for loving the Yankees, for treating me like I'm less of a fan than they are because my team has had success. I'm tired of feeling like I have to apologize for it. I don't think it's fair.

I'm sure the haters would be all "Aww, pity poor Yankee fans" but seriously. A competitive team every year is awesome. Having to take such shit for being a fan (and I'm not talking about good-natured ribbing here) is not. I mean, you deal with it and know it comes with the territory, but every now and then I'd like it if people didn't just assume I was a bandwagoner/omigodderekjeterismyhusband person the second I say I'm a fan, and would understand that I love my team as much as they love theirs, and that contrary to popular belief, the good Yankee fans actually outnumber the assholes. Like every other team. I know every story needs a villain, but can we just find a new one already?

And with this year marking the seventh year in a row a different team has won the World Series, can the whole "Yankees are bad for baseball" crap just stop already? I can't see how they're that detrimental to the game 1) when they have the biggest road-attendance in the sport and 2) Haven't stopped lots of "underdogs" from taking the whole shebang. If you haven't learned by now that a big payroll means jack, then you need to get your head out of Mike Lupica's ass.

And some nice photos from my weekend at Seneca Lake:

This is what happens when you don't have a tripod. The moon falls out of the sky...

...or looks like a Bat signal for Mickey Mouse.

Just a cute little duck.

Peaceful looking water that does not fortell the disappointment about to come later that day. SIGH.