Sunday, December 31, 2006

You Can't Handle the Truth! About Broccoli

Stole this from Rana, because what better way to end the year than with a meme?

61 Odd Questions. Be truthful. (Who the hell are you to tell me to be truthful, blog survey? What, are you going to come after me and throw me in jail for not speaking the truth about...broccoli? Anyway.)

1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Dear god, with my dreams, I hope not.

2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Uch. I'm not a Jello fan.

3.) What's the song that's getting on your nerves right now?
OMG, that AWFUL "Lips of An Angel" crapfest that I hear now like every five minutes. Stupid title and stupider premise (Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Lead Singer that you're lusting after your ex and you miss each other but you can't be together because you're both in unsatisfying relationships that for whatever reason you don't want to leave. Shyeah, not feeling your pain, dude).

4.) Current Crush?
I'd like to crush Chewboken's shoes!

5.) What's your favorite color?
Yellow or periwinkle

6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
Window, because if you're on NJ Transit, you're probably getting off before me and I don't want to stand up to let you out if I'm playing solitaire on my iPod.

7.) Ever met anyone famous?
I've met several soap stars.

8.) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
"No man is a failure who has friends."

9.) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I twirl, but I'm not really good at it.

10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah?
How about a steel cage match between the two, and whoever comes out alive will be my answer?

11) Basketball or Football?

12.) How long do your showers last?
Why does this question seem so pervy to me?

13.) Do you know how to drive a stick?
How does one, preytell, drive a stick? Let me lean out my window, snap a twig off my tree and see...

14.) Do you want any piercings?
I have no piercings whatsoever. BEAT THAT.

15.) Do you miss someone?

16.) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yes. I believe some of the money I've spent at Yankee games has gone on to help the likes of Kevin Brown and Carl Pavano.

17.) Can you jog 5k without stopping?
Even when I ran track in high school I don't think I could do this, so I don't feel bad.

18). Where do you wish you were?
At Yankee Stadium on a warm night with Steph and Erica, and maybe Tonya's in town for a visit, and the Yankees are winning. I suppose that's too much to ask or something.

19.) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?

20.) Can you tango?
I've never tried.

21.) Last gift you received?
I got lotso gifts. It was just Christmas, you know.

22.) Last sport you played?
Tourist dodging, on the Fifth Ave. sidewalks.

23.) Things you spend a lot of money on?
I feel like I'm always spending money at the grocery store, buying food to make dinner.

24.) Last gift you gave?
I gave lotso gifts. It was just Christmas.

25.) Do you have a bank account?
No, I live off the grid.

26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Did you read my last post?

27) Most hated food(s)?
Most condiments, broccoli, tomatoes, pickles. But I do like meatloaf and pea soup.

28) Can you sing?
No, and I don't let it stop me.

29) Last person that called?
Well, the most interesting call was my credit card company, telling me that someone had gotten a hold of my card number. Identity theft -- shyeah!!!!

30) What's your least fav. chore?
Unloading the dishwasher. I'd almost rather do the dishes myself and put them away right away.

31.) Favorite Drink?
Depends on what kind of mood I'm in.

32.) Are you a vegetarian?
Oh hell no.

33.) Do you believe in heaven?
Yes. It's at 161st St. and River Ave.

34.) Are you self-conscious?
I'm self-aware.

35.) Have you ever come close to dying?
Of cramps, on several occasions.

36.) Are you drinking?
No, but I just smoked some crack!

37.) Are you eating?
Oooh, crack makes you hungry...

38.) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
I don't eat broccoli PERIOD.

39.) Do you wear makeup?
Not too much.

40.) What's your worst fear?
At the moment? That something very precious to me is never going to be the same.

41.) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Well, if my boobs are ever down to my knees, I don't see the harm in having them lifted. That's bad for your back, man.

42.) What do you wear to bed?
T-shirt and PJ shorts.

43.) Have you ever done anything illegal?

44.) Are you a good kisser?
Oh, come now. You know I've passed the age of being just a good kisser...and that, ladies and gentleman, is me being slutty! Woo!

45.) What kind of sneakers do you wear usually?
New Balance

46.) Is anyone in the room with you right now?
The Chicken and his friends. They're still sleeping after a night of crazy-ass partying, so I'm trying to be quiet.

47.) Future child's name?
Oooh! I'm going to have a "future" child? Does he/she come with her own flying car and space suit? Yay!!!!

48.) Current annoyance?
That beer gives you headaches.

49.) Do you watch pokemon or dragonballz?
Oh dear god, what is dragonballz? Do I want to know?

50.) Do you snore?
When I'm sick it's unavoidable.

51.) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Eh, I'm happy to be here right now.

52.) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Please, just because I keep a stuffed Chicken and other assorted birds in my room, that does not mean I sleep with them...they like their space.

53) If you won the lottery what would you do first?
Not tell anyone. I don't want to get kidnapped before baseball season starts.

54) Gold or silver?
What do I look like, Burl Ives?

55) Hamburger or hot dog?

56) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Couldn't I just take a vitamin? I wouldn't want to get sick of my favorite food.

57) City, beach, country?
I need a bit of all three in my life.

58) What was the last thing you touched?
My, my, aren't we a nosy little survey!

59) Where did you eat last?
At the bar, with Erica. FOR FREE, BITCHES.

60) When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday, when I passed this woman singing Auld Lang Syne in NYC. It just made me kinda sad.

61) Do you read blogs?
I can't get through my day WITHOUT reading blogs, so that should tell you something.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Note to Self

Kicking open doors (don't ask) will only serve to slightly reinjure formerly Jammed Yankee Toes.

But inventing a drinking game for the classic piece of celluloid Center Stage will help ease the pain. Just a little.

Friday, December 29, 2006

2006: In Review. With Waffle Fries.

Hey! It's the end of 2006! That means we need to revisit some good times we had (or I had, anyway) over the year at the Complete and Total Bisch.

The year began with maybe one of my most favoritest blog posts ever:
Sneaking into Chick-Fil-A We later realized you didn't have to really sneak in, but that takes all the fun out of it.

How could we forget Chewboken getting a bad haircut?

It was maybe the rainiest night of the year (seriously), but my peeps all swam out ot Hoboken to help me celebrate my birthday.

Damone came into our lives...


and won us over.

I'll never forget that one night in May, when I was making dinner and the Yankees were getting CLOBBERED and I felt so bad that Steph had to witness it in person. When Erica came home and we started watching American Idol and the Yankees were down by like 8 runs, I was like "Wait, don't switch the channel! We may miss the comeback." And I was being sarcastic, yo. What ended up happening was the best game I watched all season.


Ah, love, romance, dancing, speeches, friends, fun and three-inch heels. Dexter and Vicki got married, and it was fantabulous.


Hollis and Chris got married too! Unfortunately, I'll always associate their anniversary with the Yankees losing in sucktastic fashion. OK, not really, but it did make their wedding particularly memorable. As did the moon falling out of the sky.

Sometimes, you have to test people, especially when attempting to separate the real Yankee fans from the bandwagon assholes.

Despite battling a case of the stomach flu, I made the trek to Baltimore with Erica, where we met up with our blogging Yankee fan pals to see the Yankees take on the Orioles. I was way jealous because Erica got to eat Chick-Fil-A, and to watch.

Remember when it got obnoxiously hot in my office and there wasn't much they could do about it and we almost died from heat exhaustion? Because I do.


Though give the building management credit for trying to cool us off with a relic robot left over from the 1939 World's Fair.

Oooh, Oooh! Remember that time I went all Beaster on a White Sox fan, with some help from Steph? THAT RULED.

The Chicken is delighted to wake up in...Ohio.

And then there was the ROAD TRIP!


We got to see Tonya, Wisconsin, Chicago, rest-stops that didn't allow fire arms, bison, tow trucks and Miller and Wrigley.


Oh yeah, we saw Chick-Fil-A too.

After yet ANOTHER rainy Friday (this one raining out the game completely), I get pissed with Mother Nature. Again.

I also believe I got pissed off with A-Rod haters several times.


And after almost 30 years, I finally got to Disney World. And I swear to god I didn't cry. Really.

Last year at this time I didn't have The Office, NetFlix, a DVR, Erica as a roommate, seen the longest 9-inning game in MLB history, seen a five-game sweep of the Red Sox, nor been west of Kentucky. So here's hoping that in 2007, a lot of other awesome firsts happen. Especially if they involve Chick-Fil-A.

You know I'll be blogging about it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Feel The Chill

OMG, you guys, I just saw Jeter and A-Rod and there is, like, SO much animosity between them...


...I mean, look at them. They won't even LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

Monday, December 25, 2006

He's Way Bummed About James Brown...


...but The Chicken wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas anyway.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...Easter

Picture 1

Yet I guarantee you that when our first Friday night game rolls around in April, it will be 31 degrees with a chance of flurries. No wait, 43 and rainy. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I heart Christmas shopping.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Food for Thought

So, The Chicken and I were just dancing around the kitchen to Duran Duran, cleaning up after our annual weekend of Christmas-cookie bakedom, when something occured to me (no, not that dancing around the kitchen with a stuffed chicken to The Reflex is weird): You know when they say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? Well, I think that's a load of bullshit. I mean, my baking prowess has been complimented to the hill and dale of the tri-state area, yet I am single, with nary a man banging down my door after ingesting a Snicker's surprise, or a Rollo cookie, or a Magnolia-style cupcake, or caramel covered/graham cracker-crusted brownie. They're usually just orgasmic while eating such things and then are like "Woah, that was good, Karen." Not that I'm fishing for a proposal or anything. I just like to poo-poo old, somewhat sexist adages when I get the chance.

Besides, my guess is that the real way to a man's heart is located just a few inches lower than his stomach. Or something.

I'm just sayin'.


How come Purple Rain is considered to be this great song to get down and knock boots to? It might be one of the most singularly sad, angst-ridden songs out there. I want to, like, cry after hearing it, not be all "Heyyyyyy there, loverboy, come 'n get it!"

To each his own, I guess.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Return of the Turducken!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Oh Say Can You See? You Bet I Can!

Kid still does maybe the best national anthem I've ever heard...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Cole Porter is an F'ing Genius.

He just gets it. Or got it. Whatever.

That is all.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Kick-Ass Workplace

So what are you supposed to do the day after the office party, when everyone's feeling sluggish and recovering from excess holiday cheer? Well, watch "Extreme Chick Fights: Kickin' Ass and Taking Names," of course! I know you are SO jealous that I work at a place that gets such magnificent pieces of art sent to us for free, and that we can get our computer's DVD players activated just to watch it.

In it is this Emcee/Rapper guy who's like the common bond between all the fights (and "Scrubs McGee," the ever-present veterinarian doctor in green scrubs), who lays down some monotonous tracks during said fights and every now and then will toss out a "Kickin' Ass, Taking Names" (hence the film's subtitle), though Jason swears he heard him say "Kickin' names and Takin' ass" at one point. During one fight, when we're introduced to the two ass-kickin' ladies from California...

Jason: I'm going with smoker
Me: I'm going with the brunette
Production Guy Jeff: Me too. She's got a fire in her.
Jason: What about you, Art?
Art: The only thing I'm betting on is that that rapper guy's going to lay down some smooth rhymes.

Also awesome is the choice of venue for some of the fights (Jeff: Is that someone's high school gym?), the ref/psychologist ("I want you to fight like someone stole something from you!"), the choice of fight clothing (Jason: Is she wearing underwear? Me: Oh, she's wearing a lacy bra, how ladylike!), the fighters looking exhausted when they've had the shit knocked out of them (Jason: I feel like that gentle giant's been beaten down), and finding connections to movies (Jason: This is kinda parallel to Rocky 5. Jeff: Get'er a body bag!!!! Yeah!!! Art: Yes, I'm definitely seeing Daniel-San in this.)

And of course, there's always the inspiration we can draw from such moving cinema (Jason: KB, I think you've found your next birthday theme!).

I suggest you all go out and rent it, and watch it with the family for some wholesome, yuletide good feelings.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Christmas Party! Woo!

OK, so I'm not exactly drunk anymore, but I have to say, office holiday parties — complete with open bar and mingling and chicken on a skewer — rule.

So does stew. Mmmmm...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

And The Week of Eeeeeee Moments Continues... Tonya and Brent are engaged!!!!! May their union bring forth much happiness. And many little Yankee fans. I know Tino is going to be WAY vexed and jealous and whatnot about this, but hey, he had his chance.

Also awesome on this evening: Only at a Dexter birthday party would a night include Eric becoming BFFs with the random mustachioed old guy at the bar (though it was the bartender at Dexter and Vicki's wedding), a crowd of people just feeling the need to sing along with Marvin Gaye, cupcakes served with a healthy dose of sexual innuendo, Dexter being like "I'm way too drunk. And I'm thirsty. I need another beer", people inquiring about what The Chicken's up to these days, Jesse and Vicki pounding back ginger ale the hard stuff to cap off the night, a shot that looked like Aqua Velva and tasted like amoxicillan, and coats taking up more space than people.

All in all, a good night indeed. Except that Liana and I didn't get to hijack the jukebox again and force people to listen to "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" a few times. I guess there is always next year...

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Snoopy The Vulture Returns!

Picture 1vulture

So, I guess I was, like, wrong.


C&TB Flashback! Andy Leaves! Tonya and I are Sad!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

You Know What's Awesome?

Walking past a Christmas tree lot and getting to inhale the lovely scent of pine, the kind which you only get for a few weeks a year.

Last night, it smelled particularly heavenly. Ahh.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Believe Half of What You Read

God, people, if you can't see that Andy Pettitte is using the Yankees and his "OMG, I'm SO going to retire" spiel to leverage a deal with the Astros...just, seriously. How long have you been a baseball fan if you believe he REALLY wants to come back to NY? Come on, Verducci, stop fanning the flames...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


When did VH1 Classic start re-airing Pop-Up Video, and why did no one tell me????!!!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Last Chance

The Yankee Chicken had a fabulous photo shoot for his annual holiday card today, so if you want in, e-mail by Wednesday.

Can Someone Please Explain to Me...

...why there is only one weekend Yanks/Sux series in NY and THREE in Boston? Come the fuck on, schedule makers. And that lone Yanks/Sux game I'll get to see with my season ticket package (when it used to be two)? Is the last weekend in April. Thanks a lot, MLB, thanks a whole lot.