Friday, March 30, 2007

Oh My God, You Guys

IT'S THE LAST WEEKEND WITHOUT BASEBALL FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fill in the Blank...

...from this story:

"The 32-year-old free agent:

A) finished last season with a 14-10 record and a 3.34 ERA"
B) is considering offers from the Dodgers, Nationals and Diamondbacks"
C) was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas."

Shyeah. Not something you see every day in the sports section.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Chicken Wants to Pitch In

IMG_1332

The Chicken takes a break from filming his first-ever music video (yeah, you read that right) to let the Yankees know he's ready if they want him to be the Opening Day starter.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Quote of the Day

"He's not The Gambler, he's The Moocher." -- Jason, after breaking down the lyrics to the Kenny Rogers classic, which shows us that all his Gamblerness does is take the dude's last drop of whiskey, bum a cigarette and give very vague "advice" (which is really just common sense). And then he DIES. (No, not passed-out from a drunken stupor, Jason).

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Just Another Day Missing The Office

So, the roommate has recently discovered just how awesome The Office is, and after watching a bunch of episodes with her, and with the show being off the air for too goddamn long, I've decided to devote an entire post to my fave episodes of the series thus far. If you still aren't watching this show, do yourself a favor and rent it. The first six episodes are a bit rough around the edges, but by season 2, you will be caring about these people as if they were your friends. Friends that only stick around for 20 minutes a week, but friends just the same.

tear

1. Casino Night, Season 2: I wrote about it before, but after this epsiode, I completely hearted John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer for their phenomenal acting in the confession scene, and Steve Carell for his absoulutely kick-ass script. Jim killed me with his teary-eyed plea for Pam to not patronize him over his feelings, and Pam's stunned stare and defensive reaction made for one of the most realistic revelation scenes EVER on television. I didn't even need the kiss at the end -- the confession was a thing of (somewhat merciless) beauty on its own. Also great in this ep: The realization that Jan actually likes Michael in that way and her pissed off/disappointed reaction to his already having a date is priceless. Angela slapping Dwight and Creed never having owned a refrigerator? Perfection.

2. Office Olympics, Season 2: I love this episode because it's one of the first times Michael gets humanized (as he did in The Dundies when the locals threw food at him, and then his employees try to lift his spirits) when he thinks he's in over his head when he's signed a mortgage. Dwight's critiques of the place (especially about the shared wall, and if someone gets thrown into the wall, a flat-screen TV on Michael's side would get damaged) are genius, and the fact that Jim puts his sense of play to good use AND helps Michael at the end (and keeps the yogurt medal Pam made on his desk) put him at maybe the top of the TV character pyramid of awesomeness.

3. Boys and Girls, Season 2: I loved this episode for one reason alone. The following quote by Michael: "To run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension that keeps things interesting." It may be one of my most favoritest quotes of the show, ever. Also, Jan comes off as really cool (instead of cold) by encouraging Pam to take the design class in New York, and then Jim and Pam getting pissy with each other when Pam says she's not going to take it is actually kind of fulfilling. Seeing the two of them get angry with each other always shows a nice depth to their otherwise adorable friendship.

4. Drug Testing, Season 2: I loved this episode more for Jim and Pam than for Dwight, who was at his usual awesome level of hilariousness while dressed in his deputy's uniform and grilling people about marijuana. I don't know why, but the writers and John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer just sell the absolute sweetness of the Jim/Pam relationship on the most believable level, and while I've always rooted for TV couples, these two actually feel like people I know and therefore, I root harder for. So the scene where Pam is teasing Jim about not being able to speak (thanks to the Coke jinx) and says "You can tell me anything" and he responds with just this...look... and you can see the realization or something hit Pam, it's just brilliant.

dribble

5. Basketball, Season 1: My only Season 1 pick, mostly because I merely liked the show then and didn't quite love it since it was still a little too focused on an overly-nuts Michael. This episode, however, made me realize I had to keep watching, for one reason alone: Stanley's "dribble". I swear to god, I have never been so tickled by something emitting from my TV. And Michael's horrified reaction, after thinking that Stanley would be good simply because he's African-American, and Dwight wearing that creepy looking face-guard, just sells it completely.

6. Business School, Season 3: Just for that scene at the end with Pam and Michael. Poignant and sweet, without being schlocky.

7. Take Your Daughter to Work Day, Season 2: Dwight and Michael's duet on "Teach Your Children"...just...oh my god.

8. Back From Vacation, Season 3: When you see Pam crying over Jim in the hallway, and suddenly Dwight, of all people, walks in on her, you have to wonder which way this scene is going to go. And then you get Dwight suddenly being caring, taking off his jacket and tying it around his waist, comforting Pam with a pat on the back, then chalking it up to PMS and you have one of the best scenes ever on this show, sold completely by the ever-fantastic Rainn Wilson.

9. Traveling Salesmen, Season 3: One of the most genius episodes of the series, as it employs almost all of the characters, and we finally get to see what they do when they're working. The awesomeness includes Jim slapping Dwight, Stanley cackling over Ryan's overwhelmed/clueless "Hi", Michael realizing that Andy SUCKS, and Phyllis dropping the bomb on Karen that Jim once had a thing for Pam. A perfect episode all around.

10. The Return, Season 3: Michael going to save Dwight at The Staples is, hands down, one of my most favoritest scenes from this show. And Andy punching the wall (and "Maybe YOU'RE in the ceiling!") is one of the highlights of the season.

Picture 1

11. Initiation, Season 3: Two words: Cousin. Mose.

12. E-mail Surveillence, Season 2: If only for Michael's freak-out over the Indian IT guy in the opening, and later singing "Islands in the Stream" with Jim. Also, the secret delight on Pam and Jim's faces when they realize the other's significant other won't be coming. And of course, Angela and Dwight, maybe the scarily awesomest couple on television.

To my readers who are also fans of the show: Which were your faves? And if you ever want to relive the episodes, visit Northern Attack which keeps extremely detailed recaps of the show.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Because It's Good to Vent, Y'all

Things aggravating KB today:

-- That I didn't see any rain in the forecast at all and when I leave work it's all, like, "Hi! Here I am! RAINY!" And that the almost balmy weekend forecast has since been downgraded to the 40s.

-- That I can get along with all types of different personalities and make allowances for people's shortcomings, yet other people can't make an effort.

-- That I can't go to sleep when I want to and can't sleep late, thanks to the noise of others (which leads us to maybe the only shortcoming I can't tolerate: cluessness/rudeness on a consistent basis).

-- Food shopping. I feel like I am always at the stupid supermarket, spending money.

-- That people sometimes don't realize what affect their actions have on others, or that they don't want to take responsibility for said actions.

-- That A-Rod is an issue every god damn week.

-- That there is only one weekend series against the Sux in the Bronx and THREE in Boston this year (yes, still pissed about that).

-- That The Office is mired in re-run lala land, and will soon be off again for the entire summer.

-- That people can go back on things they've said.

-- That Simon, Randy and Paula get pissed with the voting public for dialing their fingers off for awful singers, when it's their own fault for putting said bad people through to top 24 in the first place.

-- Dog shit on the sidewalk.

-- When Hollywood changes the plots or endings of books to make a movie to "appeal to the American public," and end up dumbing it down completely.

-- That Mystery Science Theater 3000 is no longer on the air.

-- That Once & Again is no longer on the air.

-- The term "bad element" when describing groups of people.

-- The term "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth." WAY overused.

-- The dresses that are out there now -- unflattering as hell. Yes, I want to look pregnant! And like I don't know how to iron!

-- That EVERYTHING at Ann Taylor is black and white for spring.

-- That the AFLAC duck is getting canned, but the GEICO cavemen may be getting their own sitcom.

-- That I can't use the backyard of my apartment building.

-- Opening NIGHT for baseball. Just push it up to the god damn afternoon.

-- Almost getting something that will make you so, so happy and then having it snatched away from you.

-- That as a result of the DirecTV deal, Tonya will only get to see ESPN and FOX games in Wisconsin.

-- That there is an internet router in my living room, yet I barely get a signal in my bedroom.

-- That every cartoon movie that comes out now is computer animated.

-- That VH1 Classic keeps showing the same Pop-Up Video episodes over. And over. And over. And over.

-- The smell of certain foods when they cling to your clothes after eating.

-- That Fever Pitch is on HBO every freaking hour on the hour (I have successfully avoided it thus far, and intend to keep it that way)

-- Bad subway musicians.

-- Wet shoes and socks.

Ahh. That was theraputic. Thanks for enduring my Andy Rooney imitation for the evening.

You Say You Want a Revolution, Well, You Know...

...We'd all like to get some sleep. And thanks to some loud music at 6 a.m. (the same song on repeat, apparently -- I only hear the bass and some guitar here and there over the din of my white noise machine), coming from, you guessed it, Chewboken's place, my building has started a revolt. Okay, so it's a revolt via note left on the front door, but Woooooo!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Am So Scared Right Now

Man, I just...Sanjaya's performance just freaked me out more than I thought possible. I mean, between the girl crying in the audience (and the constant camera cuts to it), the, uh, noise coming from his throat, the fact that he chose between a song Elizabeth and I joked that he should sing ("I'm into Something Good") and the song I was only speculating (with much fear) he would sing ("You Really Got Me"), the fact that he could've ground coffee in his throat while attempting to take on the Kinks, the fact that Randy and Paula actually seemed to like it... I need to go chug a bottle of tequila or something to take the edge off.

I guess I should just be glad he didn't sing "Lola". *Shudders*

ETA: Oh, Jordin. While I loved your performance of "I Who Have Nothing" you completely showed how young you are by mentioning TWICE that you don't have a boyfriend, and would therefore sing the song better if you did. Uh, the song's about longing, kid. You don't usually long for a man if he is with you. This totally distracted me from the otherwise great vocal, because it felt like it wasn't coming from life experience, but acting experience. Or something.

Monday, March 19, 2007

It's the Hard-Knock Life For Chicken

IMG_1315

The Chicken interrupts his spring cleaning to let you know that it's so close, you can almost taste it.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

KB's Mom Takes on the Yankees

So it's that time of year when everyone is talking about what's going to happen in the upcoming baseball season. That means it's time for my mother to give us her take on what to expect from the Yankees this season.

KB's mom says: First and foremost, they need spitoons in the dugout. They just spit everywhere. It's gross.

And they need different uniforms for tall players. They look so geeky. That Johnson guy looked ridiculous, like he was in his kid brother's outfit.

Now, let's break down the players.

RDUiLKXe
Alex Rodriguez

KB's mom says: He should stick to writing children's books. He has performance anxiety and Jeter's snobbiness isn't helping. But I guess they can't be friends because they are rivals. They have jealousy issues, the two of them. They both need shrinks.

FvCWGsfp
Derek Jeter

KB's mom says: Firstly, he got too fat. He's still a little too snobby. I'd like to like him but he's too aloof. Does he write children's stories?

KB: No.

KB's mom says: He needs a feminine side. He does not have a feminine side like A-Rod does.

dF3fBPF5
Jorge Posada

KB's mom says: He hits too, right? He's okay. He's well-rounded.

zhjMoS8Q
Jason Giambi

KB's mom says: As long as he stays off drugs, he'll be okay. He should take up smoking, change his habit. And lose some weight.

QCQnaoMbMrBubble
Johnny Damon

KB's mom says: Did he get shaved and a get a haircut? That guy looked like he needed Mr. Bubble badly.

5DJAQFrQ
Andy Pettitte

KB's mom says: The Yankees need him because he's cute. They don't have any good looking guys anymore. Like Tino Martinez.

9SnDZQMY
Hideki Matsui

KB's mom says: Oh, HIM. He could be great but he does too much porn. He can't concentrate on his game. He falls and breaks his wrist.

JHJdBthn1007_overview
Mariano Rivera

KB's mom says: I do not understand a word that man says. He needs that thing, what's it called, Hooked on Phonics.

KB: But he's Mo! He's a nice man!

KB's mom says: He's a nice man, but you can't understand him.

123406_90x135aflac_2
Joe Torre

KB's mom says: Ehhh. He walks like a duck. He's still a good guy though.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Shut Up, Grey's Anatomy

I really think I've reached the tipping point with this show where I don't care anymore. Why? Because the "OMG! We are soooooooo sauced right now and we're friends and we're in emotionally weird places and OMG, did I mention we're so drunk that we have to sleep together" plot? God, really, Grey's? I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it happens ALL THE TIME on TV. This show used to be above cliche crap like that. I'm sure some wacky hijinks will ensue when Izzie and George wake up! Complete with some zany indie chick song playing whimsically in the background! And maybe they didn't sleep together but will think they did! Cuz this show is quirky, y'all! And Callie's gonna be so pissssssssed and hate Izzie. Oh, wait. She already is and does.

And Meredith being legally dead for, oh, how many HOURS? And she has NO BRAIN DAMAGE or even temporary physical after effects? Now THAT would've been an interesting plot development.

The love is gone, folks. Sigh.

At Least it's Not a Season-Ticket Friday

I love that I live in a place where it can be 65 degrees in the morning...and snow/sleeting at night. Or at least that's what they're saying, along with something about 6 inches of snow tomorrow.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Must Stop Reading Message Boards

You know what I'm sick of hearing people complain about? When a pregant or elderly person gets on a crowded train or bus and, ohmygosh, no MAN gives up a seat. Excuse me, honey, if you are a healthy individual of either sex, you should be giving up your seat for this person too. I do it all the time -- boobs aren't an exactly an extra burden on a woman's body, thereby making her unable to stand for 10-15 minutes. And just because he's got a penis, it doesn't mean it's his duty entirely to give up a seat, when he's surrounded by other humans who have the ability to stand. The first person who sees the pregant lady or the old man should be the one to offer. This isn't an issue of chivarly, it's an issue of humanity, PEOPLE. GOD.

And anyone who pretends to not see a person in need of a seat is just scummy, male or female.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Nothing but 'Net

IMG_1312

The Chicken takes a break from admiring his MySpace to tell you that It really isn't that far off now...

How to Get KB to Shoot Water Out of Her Nose...

...call a strip club a "breast observatory" as Art just did.

And that shit hurts, yo. I guess there's a first time for everything.

Quote of Last Night

Season 1 Michael Scott: Tell Alan the Mets suck!

Erica: OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM.


Hear it for yourself!:

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Shut Up, Yahoo

So I'm logging onto Yahoo, and I see this link to a video story about Damone embracing the Big Apple, and I'm all like "Oh how ni—" and then I see what the headline/dek writer ads to the end of it:

Picture 1

Now, I'm not going to watch the video, because it's not going to tell me anything I already didn't know (that Damone has made a nice time of it in New York), but let me go off a bit about the wording of this intro:

Excuse me, but where was I when A-Rod SAID that being a Yankee was difficult? Oh, right, we're all closet-shrinks, and the media is Sigmund fucking Freud, and we can glean from his actions, without a doubt, that his three 100-plus RBI seasons were a result of mal-adjustmentitis, and that could be translated into him saying he hates New York. And while I'm glad Damone is very blithe and merry about NYC, when the fuck did he become the spokesperson for what is right and wrong in adjusting? The man is a crackhead (in the best sense), so of course he's going to fit in anywhere. It would be like me saying everyone should like chocolate cake, including chocolate haters and diabetics, simply because I'm good at making chocolate cake. Or something.

And, I'm sorry, but until Damone gets a ring with the Yankees, he's at the SAME LEVEL as A-Rod in being meaningful to the team, well-adjusted funny guy or not. So deal with THAT, Mr. Yahoo Editor Man.

Friday, March 09, 2007

The Chicken Wants Friends!

Or at least, he wants lots of MySpace friends. While I refuse to join the MySpace party, The Yankee Chicken has thrown his Interlocking NY hat into the ring. Check out his profile, and befriend him. He'd do it for you.

(And no, he's not 18, he's only 7. But seeing as how you can't have an account until you're 14 and the general public can't read your stuff till you're 18, well, we had to go there.)

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Lost! I'm Going to Write About it! If You Didn't Watch, DON'T READ. OKAY?

Alright, that should suffice as a warning.

How upset am I that the patch man ended up being evil instead of a peaceful petting-zoo keeper who has a poster of Nadia Comaneci on his wall and admires her merely because they share the same birthday (as I do with the great Lee Majors and Herve Villechaize)? I thought he was going to be my new island BFF and then he had to go and be all Otherly and shit.

Also, when Locke was typing in the numbers on the computer, they asked for 38, 56 and 77. If you don't know where my mind is going with that one, you have not been reading this blog long enough...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

First Rant of the Season

And it isn't even about a player. Nay, it is about the ├╝ber-fug new hats. I mean, I can deal with the stupid stripe on the side since it's supposed to aid in proper sweating technique or whatever, but the thickened, 3-D interlocking NY? AWFUL. It's like Kevin Federline designed them in his "image" or something.

Badly done, MLB.

I'm Going to the Bomb Shelter Now

Check out that little bottom line, right above the Mega Millions thing:

406-03071bigfront

Yes, my friends. Lupicass is now dishing out political views.

But if this gets him off the sports beat and onto bigger and better things, I say go for it, Mikey!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Jackpot

IMG_1303

The Chicken takes a break from pondering what to do with his $370 million fortune (including making the offseason shorter) to bring you this wealth of information.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Separated at Birth?

run

Picture 1

Little KB's Objects of Lust

So Yankeebob recently confessed to his first celebrity crush, and I thought I'd share mine. Except that I couldn't really remember who came first, so I'll give you the big four that I remember from, like, the age of 3. I'm just going to preface it with this: It was 1980, okay?

richie
Richie Cunningham. No, I don't get it either.

bo
Bo Duke. Looking back on it now, though, Luke is definitely the hotter cousin. But back then I think I was taken by Bo's blondeness or something.

jack
Jack Tripper. So I've always liked funny guys, what can I say?

mork
Mork. Oh, shut up.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Live! From the 9th Circle of Hell!!

Ahhhh, I awoke this morning to the sun shining through my window, the promise of spring in the air, the...faint pounding of a bass somewhere in my apartment building, the screams of people walking outside, the invasion of already drunken hoardes wearing green (that'd be a green t-shirt and white long sleeved shirt underneath if you're a guy -- seriously, EVERY dude that's passed our buidling thus far has been wearing that combination) descending down the streets. It must be Hoboken Faux St. Patrick's Day!

And since I don't have to go out until this evening (when I get to ride the PATH with all the real-puking fake Irish), aw yeah, I'm live blogging about it. Yeah, we've had parties at the homestead in the past and I've gone out to the bars, but it's more fun people watching today. I'm hoping for an all-out brawl outside our window like two years ago, or the dirty old man bag piping crew to return. We'll see.

Predictions so far (as of 10:30):

-- Our Landlord will do his honorary Faux St. Patrick's Day Lurk (checking to see if we've burnt the building down via "beer party") by 11:30.

-- The third floor girls will have a party, since it's their first year in Hoboken and everyone in this building had a Faux St. Patrick's Day party when they moved in. I wonder if I should tell them about the Landlord Lurk...and then I just hear some jackass from their window yell "SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!" to someone on the street. Aaaaaaaaaand They can fend for themselves.

-- Erica will wake up before noon (because of the armies clomping and screaming up our stairs) and declare she hates Hoboken Faux St. Patrick's Day, even though this is her first one.

-- Our buzzer will get mistakenly rung about 6 or 7 times today.

-- Someone will leave a stash of empty beer bottles outside the building door.

More later.

ETA: 12 noon

-- I have officially turned into an old, cantankerous bitch. While sitting and munching on a bagel and listening to the strains of bagpipes coming from down the street, I'm distracted when I hear someone yelling "HEY!" from outside our window. I look down and this dude literally throws up an ENTIRE WALL STREET JOURNAL toward the third floor, where people are still hanging outside the window. The paper scattered all over our driveway, and it just pissed me the fuck off. First off, that's NOT your newspaper, asshat, and two, you're not the one who's going to get bitched out by your landlord for the mess. So I opened our window, and he looks up and I was like "Gonna take that paper with you?" and he sheepishly says "Yes". He only took a few sections, however, and I'm sure this is only the first of many messes to day. Oy.

ETA: 1:25

-- I look out the window, and see two cops talking to a few people and writing stuff down. And then I see the cops taking away these giant flasks and bottles from them, but the people are fairly unobnoxious and not giving them a hard time. And then another police car pulls up and I'm wondering if THIS is an Alice's Restaurant situation because do you really need FOUR police officers to write people up for carrying open containers?

ETA: 1:56

-- The cops and an ambulance are attending to a burly man sitting on the corner. He manages to get to his feet but he appears to have trouble walking (I can't tell if his leg is hurt or if he's just way drunk) and the EMS people don't seem to trust to leave him by himself. I mean, when you walk away and you literally have to hold onto a fence to stand up straight, I guess you're not fooling anyone about being in a right state. The cops finally manage to convince him to get on a stretcher and he doesn't look too pleased. I give the EMS people a lot of credit for being around today, because there have been tons of sirens wailing by today. I'm guessing lots of stomachs will be pumped.

ETA: 6 p.m.

--A slew of doofusy giggling guys thunder down our stairwell, slurring about "BURGER" or something and proceed to break at least two beer bottles in the process. And here I thought I left the dormitory 10 years ago.

Friday, March 02, 2007

&$*^@^!

So Matt just posted a few links in the comments section that just about sent my head spinning into another orbit. It's for this site that is like a smiling Stepford Wife who's all bemused and like "Oh, those men and their crazy sports...here's how you can get them to pay attention to you!" and it's all under the guise of just being able to talk to a guy. FOR REAL.

First off, you're going to encourage a woman with no interest in something whatsoever to get interested just to MEET A GUY? I don't care how noble your intentions are, if you don't have the interest to begin with, why force yourself? It's one thing if you meet a guy and he's all into his team and you learn by osmosis, but to stockpile all this info just in case you meet a sports fan and you can bust it out for conversational purposes and that's it? Not cool.

Second, reading around the site, it looks like these women are actually sports fans, so I truly don't understand it. A real sports fan usually wants to talk to someone with a genuine interest, unless I'm mistaken. I suppose it could be a money-making scheme because if you're offerieng knowledge into the male pysche, there are ladies out there who will plunk down some serious cash. But that's wrong too -- I can tell a woman that knowing sports is like knowing a foreign language and opens doors...for free. But I wouldn't be encouraging them to study up and force themselves to watch games just because she's spotted some hot guy in a certain team's jersey and there's no other way to talk to him. Find another common ground, I say. Sports are big, but it's a huge world out there, you know? And give guys SOME credit here. Yeah, it may be easy to talk sports with them, but I know plenty of guys with a whole plethora of interests outside of what goes on on the field.

But what really gets me is the duality of the site. It wants to inform women about how awesome sports are and how they help you socialize with men better, and yet offers this advice, which makes it seem like it's not about liking the sport; Nay, it's all about impressing the big lug.

5 Ways to Change it All ("it all" being guys' adorable yet exasperating interest in big, manly games to the point of ignoring you because you're annoying them they're so into it) :

1. Think about sports as his love of competition; liken it to your competitive nature in other pursuits: your career, workouts or how much smarter your kid is than your sister’s.

This is as ridiculous as saying maybe he should relate his fantasizing about Playboy Playmates to your love of soap operas, so he can understand you better.

2. Start with his favorite sport, learn some basics and surprise him when you call the play before the quarterback does.

I'm sorry, but forecasting a play will only happen after a long time of understanding football or any sport, and all the situations that go with them. And to UNDERSTAND something, I think you have to have a real interest in it, not a just a mere interest in the guy you're trying to impress.

3. Read a sports related article or column about a big sports story, why it matters to sports fans, and then mention it when you see your man.

Um, this is like my current events assignment from the fourth grade. The wording of this is so condescending, I half expect it to finish with "and remember to brush your teeth before you go to bed. It's important!" Plus, if you don't know "why it matters to sports fans," you're sure as hell not going to understand it by merely reading about it. Especially if the dude you're pursuing is a crazy diehard. You can't get it until you get it.

4. Understand that knowing what to say while there’s action on the screen can bring a smile, comment or maybe more: that’s called Talking to the Screen™.

Or more? Yes, he's going to ask this fraud out on a date because you can recite the infield fly rule, and then when you're married for a year and he wants to take you to a baseball game for your anniversary and you're all "OMG? MEN JUST DON'T GET IT"...well, it's going to suck.

5. Get an oversized jersey of his favorite team and wear it with high heels and a smile. You’ll be teaching him to Talk to the Shirt™!

I don't need to tell you that I'm vomiting right now, do I?


Oh, and this is awesome:

Women learn better from other women, especially in the subject matters at which men have excelled for generations. There is no fear of seeming stupid.

I suppose that I didn't learn anything FROM MY FATHER about baseball (Insert big, fat eyeroll here). It's also crazy because the author leads into this by saying she got into sports via her dad. I doubt he made her feel dumb (and no dude I'm friends with has ever made me feel stupid for questioning sports I'm unsure of), so why is it that they prey on women's fears to get them to come to their sessions? And, I'm sorry, if you're pretending to like sports to snag a man, and you're in a sports bar and say something completely out of whack and make the rest of us real women sports fans look bad, THEN you'd BETTER fear seeming stupid in front of me, not a some stud in a Jets jersey. And I'm a nuturing woman, y'all.

I'm not even going to touch the Yankee fan/Red Sox fan hookup victory story here (except to say that as someone who considers things like "What will the children be raised if you marry this guy" and "What if his team loses but mine wins and I can't be all celebratory about it or vice versa?", you won't find me actively courting a Sux fan. Yes, I am a shallow bitch, but if you run into any other zealots like myself, they may tell you the same thing). But I thought this tidbit was interesting:

I can tell you that I had a great time at the game because I shared those great moments with knowledgeable fans who I got to know because of mutual love of the sport of baseball; oh yeah, and the baseball hats most of us wore.

See, this is where this bugs the crap out of me -- she LIKES SPORTS. That's why she was able to talk to this guy. This isn't like sharing a recipe for Rollo cookies or recommending a book or a movie to someone. It'll only be easy for you to talk sports if you LOVE IT and TRULY ENJOY IT.

And the last time I checked, you can't teach love, mutual or otherwise.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Picture 1

It's SPRING!

You Make Me Smile With My Heart

Few things in life offer me complete and total delight: The Yankees, certain people in my inner circle, Cadbury Mini Eggs, and outstanding performances on American Idol come to mind. And last night, Melinda's performance of "My Funny Valentine" (a standard I usually loathe -- because, seriously, insulting someone and then being all "Aw, but I love you anyway" is just...blech) just made me...delighted. I haven't been that in love with a performance since maybe LaToya's Don't Rain on My Parade. So that, of course, mean's Melinda (who I want for a BFF because she's my peer and she's cool as shit) will be eliminated at 4th place. But for now, we can at least enjoy one of the best performances I've ever seen on this show, thanks to YouTube: