Monday, April 30, 2007

New Week, New Attitude

Before I go back to focusing on bitching about all things Yankee, I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who was so ubernice to me last week. The comments, text-messages and e-mails I got during what was maybe one of the suckier weeks in recent memory helped make me feel a lot better. You realize who your true friends are during stuff like that, and I'd say I hope I can return the favor, but I don't want any of y'all feeling that gross, so I won't say anything.

But thanks. Really.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Nuptials of Anonymous and G. Lover and Special Members

Since I am an equal opportunity friend, and I showed Carolyn and Rick looking like this last weekend:

... I will also show them looking quite dapper indeed on their wedding day:
wedding 008

The day was quite fantabulous, what with the priest giving shout-outs to Hoboken and the bride and groom making sure that Yankee touches were included in the reception (Bob Sheppard wished us all a safe journey home after the playing of New York, New York). Oh yeah, and it was great to see two people you actually saw meet get up in front of everyone and be all "Yeah, I'm marrying this person, suckas." Carolyn, being a former roommate who is a loyal reader of my magazine, and Rick, who sends me pictures of Chick-Fil-A whenever he is there, are one of the awesomer couples out there, as they always know how to laugh and make people laugh and there are few people on the planet who do that well. The only disappointment was Rick didn't dance like J.Lo again, but that's a minor quibble.

It was also great to be with a whole bunch of college friends again. I hadn't seen Jamie/Seamus in forevah, and it was great to be driving in my car with Andrea and having Josh and Jamie call us to be all "PUT ON 94.3!" and the Gin Blossoms are on...which, well, you have to know Jamie to fully appreciate that. Then we started reminscing with Des about the reception about all the, uh, friends we used to have, which made me laugh so hard, I started coughing again. And then there was dancing with everyone to cheesy 80s music and Melissa dragging me onto the floor for We Are Family because, as she said, "We practically are family," and Jamie running over to me and going "It's 3 o'clock!" and me being momentarily confused before I replied "And all's well!" I miss that stuff.

And it's even BETTER when the DJ starts talking about what big Yankees fans the bride and groom are, and people sitting near my table started to boo because they are RED SOX FANS, and I was like "Excuuuuuuuse me?" because they are both from Yankee stock and you don't expect that at a sacred event, and then the DJ reads the score (which I knew, thanks to Steph), and I made sure to cheer as loud as humanly possible. Because that is what I do.

All in all a good night. Tonya and Brent are also tying the knot during Yanks/Sux in September, so the stars are aligned for what I'm sure will be another fantastic evening...

Friday, April 27, 2007

In Which I Hate Everyone and Everything

You know how I've been complaining about how the MLB schedule makers royally screwed Yankee fans by alotting only one weekend Sux series in the Bronx while Fenway gets THREE? Well, that was when I thought I'd only be going to one game, instead of the two I normally get with the season tickets. Now? I'm not even going to one fucking game thanks to being sick. My only hope right now is a rainout, but you know that's not going to happen because games I don't go to are happy, joyous affairs where amazing things go down and everyone leaves the game all "That was the best game ever!" and tell their grandkids about it. See: Me opting out of the Yanks/Sux game last June, in which one of the most amazing catches in Yankees' history was made, and it's worthy enough to be in the Yankees' Classic rotation, constantly taunting me whenever it is aired, which is like every other day.

I hate that I was on course to go into work today and go to maybe at least a little bit of the game if it wasn't downpouring, until, oh, my body conspires against me last night and decides not to let me sleep AT ALL and now I feel all craplike again. I hate that those fuckwads who sat behind us will probably think they are the reasons I'm not there tonight. I hate my doctor because he's an idiot. I hate that the only three people I've seen over the last four days are my parents and Melissa (nothing against them, though). I hate the people who don't go to doctors when they are sick and spread germs. I hate that this all started on my goddamn birthday. I hate pretty much everything right now.

This week just fucking blows.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bumpity Bump Bump Bumpity Bump Bump, Look at Giambi Go

You know, I'm glad he's good at "keeping the team loose" and that he can sometimes pop out a home run, but Jason Giambi? Should not do anything that involves running. Or maybe someone should get on his ass to diet because you can't tell me that gut that was flabbing around fantastically while he was jiggling to second is muscle.

Giambi, when he was svelte.

Also? This team is pissing me off.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Fever in the Morning, Fever All Through the Night

I can honest to God say this is the most physically miserable I've felt since I was a kid and I need to document that. So much so, that I can't even 1) Speak, so thank god for laptops 2) I'm dreaming nonsense dreams like the cast of The Wonder Years has somehow become part of the movie The Great Escape -- and it's all my fault and 3) Process the clusterfuck that is the Yankee pitching staff right now.

Since Phil Hughes is the supposed saviorish messiah of the team, perhaps he can heal me before he starts tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Questions of the Game

-- What exactly was that creature that caught Matsui's home run? Has some comic book villain been let on the loose to terrorize the masses? Because between the walking stick and the neon-green fur, I'm sure Tampa Bay is about to get overtaken, or A-Rod's mojo is going to get stolen.

-- I really like Joe Girardi in the booth. However. Must he sound so grouchy all the time? I know he's got to bear the burden of sitting next to Michael Kay and all, but dude sounds perpetually angry, almost like he's trying too hard to come off as tell-it-like-it-is. He could take some notes from Singleton, and dare I say it, Leiter, in being insightful with a hint of lightness to it. Because it's baseball, dudes, not brain surgery.

He's A Home Run Machine Right Now...

...and all some people care about is his OTHER Louisville Slugger:

Picture 4

Tsk, tsk. Don't tell me I'm going to have to start defending MORE of him...

Monday, April 23, 2007

Cue the Wah, Wah, Wah

Ways in which my birthday has screwed me:

-- Chewboken gets up at 4:30 a.m. and proceds to stomp around for an hour, leaves for an hour, comes back, and stomps around some more.

-- I wait almost 40 minutes for a bus that never shows up.

-- The nice temperatures eff everything up when my office gets up to 87 degrees, seeing as how the heat hasn't been turned off yet.

and the coup de grace: I think I'm fighting the flu or some kind of cold in my chest, complete with low-grade fever and body aches, making me cancel my dinner plans with the Hoboken crew, which literally makes me cry because I'm exhausted, aching and sick on my fucking 30th birthday.

Good things today: The cupcakes Rana made me, the milkshake Elizabeth treated me to and all the well-wishes I got today. And the homer A-Rod just hit, which is making me all teary and makes me know I'm not right in the head or body at the moment.

But if this is 30, you can have it.

30 Years Ago Today...

...the Yankees were a sub-.500 team (4-8 to be exact), and it was very unseasonable and in the low 80s in New Jersey. Six months later, the Yankees went on to win the World Series.

This morning, the Yankees are 8-9 and it's supposed to hit 86 degrees in Hoboken.

I am annoyed (with the Yankees, not the rare treat of a non-rainy, non-50-degree birthday), but I am not worried. The wisdom that comes with old age has taught me better than that. They'll pull it off. Somehow.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

That DVR Rewind Feature Really Comes in Handy

Joe Morgan, on Matsuzaka facing the Yankees' "All Star Lineup" in the first inning, after Giambi has doubled in two runs: "You got past Alex Rodriguez, but you could not get past Abreu or Giambi."

Huh? He lost control of a high pitch and HIT A-Rod near his head (and shut up, Boston crowd for actually cheering that)...and walked Abreu. Which is about the same in my book, especially since they both scored equally counting runs. So how exactly did he get past A-Rod, but not Abreu? Should I even question this guy anymore?

And seriously, Joe, can you retire the word "adjustments" from your vocab? EVERY game I've ever heard him call, he abuses this word fantastically.

Perhaps I merely have a case of the grumpies, but I'm really tired of stupid announcers. And "The Rivalry". Yeah, I said it. I just want it to go back to being something that's between New York and Boston and screw the rest of the country needing added "drama" in the form of national coverage and graphics and special start times and over-the-top opening montages to get invested in it. Or networks for employing that shit to begin with.

This is how I spend the last few hours of my 20s: Irritated. Thanks, ESPN.

When You Feel Down and Out, Sing a Song (It'll Make Your Day)

Yeah. So. 30. It apparently thinks its coming to get me and is under the assumption that I have no power to stop it. So that is why you gather your closest peeps together to try to frighten the shit out of the number with karaoke, so it won't get you in its evil clutches. Why do you think I'm still really 26 after all these years? Because 27 was like "Shyeah, I want nothing to do with these people."

And last night may have been one of the bigger fright-fests ever to enter my apartment, thanks in part to lots of bubbly alcohol, Sanjaya crashing the party and the return of the man-love music sessions.

Erica ordered the party early birds to look random while she took a picture. I am the one looking random with the lovely yellow roses Carolyn and Rick brought me:


Rana and I then took to the stage for the Tonya Memorial Song of the Evening, since she would always start the show with me, but you can't do that from Wisconsin, where they make cheese rather than sing it. Our song choice?


Nothing spells a big cheese wheel like Patrick Swayze, no?


Rick was the unparalleled star of the evening, what with his alcohol-opening gadgetry, courtesey of Reef flip-flops. He waited awhile to take the mike, and when he and Eric were finally smashed enough coaxed onto the stage, they pretty much closed out the night with More Than Words, What a Girl Wants and Lady in Red...

...and were joined for a lot of muttering with Dexter on the Thong Song. They couldn't do Something to Talk Aboot (Eric's Canadian...French Canadian, but you know) because Erica had ponyhawked her way through it, and the guys were disappointed thusly.


And then the groom-to-be was just a force of some sort of nature, taking centerstage on J.Lo's Waiting for Tonight, which he took out on his-soon-to-be-bride. I'm not sure what song the stripping happened on, but Dexter's got that video in his arsenal somewhere should Rick ever decide to run for Hoboken city council. Not that it would matter, but still.


All in all, it was a way excellent night. Except for the fact that Chewboken was home for none of it, and therefore could not be bothered. But that's just a minor quibble. There's a saying that a friend is a gift you give yourself. Everytime I gather with these people, I think I may have given myself some of the awesomest (albeit drunken) gifts EVER.

It's All Fun and Games...

...till someone loses a shirt during karaokie. I think it was Rick. Drunksih. Almost 30. WQoo!

Phtoo evidence:

Neighbors probably want to kill us. Mor epics and video TK.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

In Which I Didn't Miss Fox AT ALL

Here's why I don't like Joe Buck: Yankees with two on, two out and a 2-2 count on Giambi. Beckett is just about to deliver the pitch, and Joe does the annoying announcer cliche thing of trying to "set a moment" because fans can't see it for themselves, you know, by saying "And how is this day going to start for the Yankees?" And my guess is he's thinking strikeout or maybe home run at that moment because what if it's ball 3? Or a foul tip? Does that tell you how the day is going to start for the Yankees? It ends up being a bloop single and an RBI, but jeezy peezy, I can't deal with it when announcers try to make a game sound more dramatic than it already is (see: Kay, Michael).

And then McCarver makes up his mind and changes it within a two-second span about a ball that may or may not have crossed over the third base bag with his intuitive "Did it go over the base? Nope... I don't know" during the replay.

And Fox graphics makers? Spare me with your "David Slays Goliath" when mentioning Ortiz's dominant performance over the Yankees. I know his first name is David and all, but it's more like "The Incredible Hulk Slays Goliath, Who Is Only A Goliath Because Even Though They Haven't Won a World Series Since 2000 And Even Though The Red Sox Have Beaten Them Badly In Recent History To Make It to the World Series, EVERYONE Needs A Bad Guy, And That Bad Guy Is The Yankees For..." Shit, I'm not going there. It tires me.

It depresses me that we have to deal with MORE of these games this year, being that they're starting so early. Blah.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Quote of the Night

A-Rod has homered for the second time, and I'm dialing my dad to be all "Oh. My. God." when my phone starts buzzing and it's not my dad, but my mother.

KB's Mom: "What is going ON with A-Rod? He's just fantaaaaaaastic."

When a player inspires your mom -- who only follows baseball marginally, at best -- to call and gush about his other-worldliness of the moment, you know he's gotta be doing something good.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

You Go Back. Jack. And Do It Again.

This time I wasn't shopping. This time I was avoiding the Yahooness because a rally had started and I was jinxing them all day and I don't like doing that. So I started doodling. Rana was already doodling Larry Birkhead dragging his baby around. So I decided to draw what goes on under the ocean. And then this required that Jason and I look up pictures of steroid-enhanced tuna and psychotic spider crabs and clams with male extremeties and He-Man, and when I turned around again, BAM! A-Rod hath saved the day.

Jaaaaazz haaaaaaaands. Oh, come on. He's totally singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses" in his head right here.

I'm not watching him bat anymore (even online "watching). That's all there is to it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Is there any movie more delightful than Amelie?

I don't think so. I swear to god, it might just be the most perfect movie ever made.

Also delightful? That man they call A-Rod, whom I haven't had to A-hyphen defend in quite some time. I wonder if I'll remember how when the time ultimately comes (my guess is a column by Lupicass that wonders why the overpaid jackass -- that's A-Rod, in this situation, as Lupicass would never refer to himself as such -- only hits one or two home runs a night and not six, since dollar signs are worse than cataracts). I don't question the why here. I'll just take it all in.

And delightfully delightful? That American Idol is going to have a Top 6 with nary a silly backstory in sight.

What a good night.

Grow the Fuck Up, People (Not MY Readers, Though. You're Cool)

So...I've been blogging for almost six years now and only in the last few days have I found out that people in internetland actually bully other bloggers? (My roommate's incident of over a year ago notwithstanding.) I mean, I know I've gotten the opposing opinion here and there in my comments, but no one's been out-right mean or out to get me. Yet I've noticed some other people have had this issue and...seriously? It's even sadder when you think it's coming from a bunch of smart people (who are, get this, adults) who are picking on someone just because they can. It's pretty disgusting, but then I guess they have to look at themselves in the mirror every morning and live with their own sorry existence.

When did blogdom suddenly become the 7th grade all over again? Pathetic.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Maybe the Most Brilliant Thing I've Ever Read. Seriously.

Saw this quoted over at High and Tight first, then read the original and the column it was ripping apart to make its point, and man, it just needs to be requoted, because it is that inspiring:

"She's talking about aura, people. Aura. Mystique. That indefinible je ne sais quoi de sinistre that the magical underachieving Yankees of 1996-2000 had in spades. Think about the improbable run of that team. They were made up entirely of career minor leaguers, rag-tag humps, 42 year-old semi-retired recovering-alcoholic player-coaches, a pretty-boy third baseman (Corbin Bernsen), a young, raw base-stealing phenom with a batting glove obsession, a placekicking horse, Kathy Ireland, that weird quiet kid Jimmy who swore he would never play basketball again, and a simple Iowa farmer who ploughed his field because Ray Liotta/his own dead dad/he himself talked to him in a funny way, and they were all coached by Emilio Estevez. And somehow, someway, they overcame extraordinary odds, came together, and using nothing more than guile, team chemistry, mystique, aura, and togetherness, won four World Series in four of the biggest upsets in the history of professional sports!"

I loved the late 90s Yankees as much as the next fan, but dear GOD am I tired of them being held up as some bright, shining example of winning and saintly inexpensive clutchiness in comparison to the fat-ass baby-eating ne'er-do-wells that make up the current squad. Especially by fans who can't stop living in the past and writers who don't know shit and make it evident in their work.

And anytime you can combine almost all the "inspirational" sports movies ever made to make that point, you will be considered a genius in my book.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I Just Want the News. Is That Too Much to Ask?

God. Watching the coverage of the awful, awful Virginia Tech tragedy, I've come to realize just how shitty the media is. First off, I see this smarmy jackass on MSNBC trying to earn some journalistic street cred by unnecessarily GRILLING the Virginia acting governor about why some families haven't been informed about their losses. He did it in such a self-righteous "I'm here to get ANSWERS" way, it almost made me puke. First off, this isn't the person you should be asking that question. Obviously he's involved with the situation, but he's not campus personnel or police, who I would assume are the ones having to identify people and tracking down the next of kin. And secondly, maybe there are some family members they can't reach and THAT's why some people are still uninformed. But since we're all about needing SCANDAL and SOMEONE has to be an angry target for the media's outrage, it turns out to be a guy who has just had the worst shooting in U.S. history foisted upon his state. I expect him to have answers, but the one this greaseball wanted isn't one of them. It was such a disgusting display of anchorman egotism (see Bill O'Reilly or Geraldo Rivera on any given night), I did the only thing I could do: Change the channel.

Then I'm watching the press conference with the VT president and their head of police or campus security. After fielding many, many questions that SHOULD get asked, some dickwad up front smarms, "You both seem pretty dispassionate about this." SERIOUSLY. The police guy seemed pretty dry, but then again, think about what he just dealt with today (and he pretty much said that, and was a lot more patient with that asshole than I would have been) and think about if there's a right or wrong way to show emotion. Right. There is none. The president was all very calm too, but really, this isn't about them and their lack of tears. Their job is to tell people what's going on and to figure out why this happened and to answer to the loved ones of those who were killed, not be a soundbyte.

And then there's CNN, which has this giant screen behind Wolf Blitzer, with one huge main image, and several other clips going on around it. It's ADD news at its best. Or worst. It literally made me dizzy, when all I wanted was some actual news, thinking CNN would be a bastion of answers in the over-sensationalized world of TV media. Man, was I wrong.

Is there nowhere I can go for normal news coverage? Like, without the heavy dosage of anchor opinion and stupidity that these networks are dishing out lately? Because when news like this breaks, I want to be informed. Not feel like I'm watching SportsCenter.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

If You're Looking For a Freak Out, You Came to the Wrong Place

So I was distracted when Mo gave up his save/game-blowing homer, but since I am turning 30 next week, I feel I have gained the wisdom over the years that will keep me from freaking out. Like you will no doubt see tomorrow in the papers. Mo does this every April lately and he usually comes out of it quite nicely, so whatev.

Also, this was what gained my attention in the 9th:


It was a four-alarm fire that was a little too close to some of my friends' apartments for comfort (and seriously, between the fire and the flooding today in Hoboken, I'm pretty certain the plague of locusts is coming tomorrow), and knowing that they are safe and their places didn't burn down keeps other things in perspective.

And also, again: April.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Unshunned! Reshunned!

Brilliant. Episode. Probably the most I've laughed out loud at in a long time, and considering I laugh at least a few times in every episode, that's huge. The funny?

-- Ryan's "long-sleeved tee".

-- "Dwight, you ignorant slut."

-- "The stress of my modern office has made me depressed!"

-- "Attention blue-collar workers!"

-- Creed and the potato. And peeing outside.

-- "Do you know what our killer is?" "Wolves!"

-- Dwight's fist pump when finding out the baler could cut off someone's arm and crush them.

-- Dwight and Michael rocking out on the roof.

-- "Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman, please apologize."

Is there really only a few weeks left? Sadness.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Walking Wounded


This picture is:
a) A famous scene from Gone With the Wind, depicting the wounded, dying and dead of Atlanta.


b) The Yankees disabled list.

I'm finding it hard to tell the difference at this point.

TGBJCYOAM Question 5

5. What is your favorite NYC-based movie? -- KB

The two movies that made me realize that Manhattan was where I wanted to be were Splash and Ghostbusters, which were two of the first "grown-up" movies I saw in the theater in 1984. New York just seemed so alive and cool and things like phantasms and mermaids happened there, which didn't happen in the suburbs. Oddly enough, I now work across the street from the same library the Ghostbusters first investigated and subsequently fled in the film.

Fave movie overall, though, is The Muppets Take Manhattan. Miss Piggy flipping out and smashing the pipe against the pole in a jealous rage, freaking out the sexually-harrassing construction workers behind her, is one movie scene I will always stop what I'm doing to watch.

(To the other peeps in Blogland, know you can jump into the meme pool with June and I. Just be the first person to answer in the comments section and YOU get to ask something. And I know some of you (rhymes with "Jerica") have some awesome ones ready....)

TGBJCYOAM Question 4

4. Describe your most mortifying work-related moment ever. -- via June.

Well, it wasn't exactly AT work, but it was work-related. In college, I was co-sports editor of the school paper. Every year our school hosted the basketball tournament that decided who from the division got to go to the NCAA tournament. Being that it was such a big event that attracted fans from all the other schools, the sports section always produced a special pullout, covering all the teams in the field with a bracket and everything. It took a LONG time to put together, requiring my sports editing partner and I to stay till 5 a.m. a few nights finishing it. Everyone in the sports section pretty much devoted their entire life to it for a few weeks, so it was kind of a labor of love.

During this time one of the printers in our office wasn't working or some such nuisance, and it required that we have two versions of this pullout on our server. One version got worked on, the other was just a thrown-together piece with un-edited text and non-futzed with photos. Well, somehow, the wrong version got sent to the printer, and when the edition came out the day the tournament started, this crap-ass pullout came with it. Seriously, there were jagged lines around the photos and ugly layouts, non-edited stories and...well, when I opened it before one of my classes started, I promptly ran out and went home and cried my eyes out. Thousands of people were seeing this awful thing my desk had poured its blood, sweat and tears into, and they'd think this was what passed for a sports section at the U of D. Everyone tried to cheer my partner and I up about it since it wasn't really our fault, but we were pretty bummed for the rest of the year. I'm still kinda pissed about it. I should probably learn to let it go since it was almost 10 years ago, but still, mortifying.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

TGBJCYOAM Question 3

See previous post for what the hell this all means.

3. What is the best e-mail or text-message you have ever gotten? -- KB

KB's answer
I've got lotso texts that I love and have held onto and don't want to switch my cell phone for fear of losing them, but here are my top 5

5. "Appleseed is a yank? Wtf?" -- Melissa, Dec. 21, 2005 7:35 a.m. (This refers to when it was announced that the Yankees were signing Johnny Damon, and Melissa and Carolyn liked to call him Johnny Appleseed. Historically significant, as well as funny.)

4. "Giambi is so meaty that if i were cannibal, i'd want to - no, love to - eat him." -- Jason, Oct. 3, 2006, 9:22 p.m. (No explanation needed here)

3. "Went into Chicos. Ugliest clothes ever. Seriously. I don't want a Chicos kind of day if it looks like that!" -- Tonya, Aug. 7, 2005, 2:23 p.m. (This goes back to the "It was a Chicos kind of day. All. Day. Long" commercial that would come on about 74 times a day at work)

2. "HA!!! If only unmanageable was still in MK's lexicon." -- Steph, Aug. 18, 11:46 p.m. (This is during what would become the longest nine-inning game in baseball history, and I believe I texted Steph that it felt like it was going to go on forever. This was around the time we discovered that Michael Kay wouldn't call a game "Unmanageable" anymore, and it just seemed so...sad.)

1. "Const is out!" -- Erica, April 27, 2005, 9:25 p.m. (Tonya and I were at a game that night, but it also happened to be Idol's top six elimination night. And what season was that? Right, the one with my beloved A-Fed. So while I'm trying to concentrate on the game, Erica's my Idol lifelinea t home and it doesn't go so well when I find out A-Fed's in the Bottom 2 with the dreaded Constantine. I figure A-Fed's toast, since Const has a huge fanbase, and then, boom, I get this text, and I think I errupted and I grabbed Tonya's arm and was like "IT's Constantine!" and she's like "I don't even know who that is!" Totally awesome all around, from the sentiment it carried, to the awesome abbreviation.)

The Great Bisch/June Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Meme Question 2

2. Describe in lavish detail your entire experience of the one very best sports moment you have ever experienced in your life. Yes, you must choose just one, however difficult it is to do. Enjoy! -- June

KB's anwser:
Oh DEAR GOD. This is like choosing between your children. And the Yankees have given me many, many children, so this was hard, yo.

I was down visiting my parents that night, The Yankee Chicken in tow, because it's the playoffs, and you don't take your chances leaving him out of the loop during a big moment (he loved the train ride, btw). And of course, Clemens sucks ass, and the Sox just jump all over him, and it's looking pretty bleak. For awhile it's just my dad and me and The Chicken watching, and then my mom joins us and things turn around a bit, which is odd because I'd convinced myself the Yankees lost the World Series in 2001 because my mom turned on the TV at the exact moment Mo gave up the big hit. That fantastic rally starts in the 8th, and all I could think was "Is this happening?" I remember the exploding-testosterone/mixed- with-little-boy joy looks on Matsui and Posada's faces when the Yanks tie it up, and my dad actually laughing over it. I remember not moving a muscle on the outside, but this electricity (or high blood pressure) flowing through me, so much so that my arms hurt and my feet throbbed. I remember with the game tied in the 10th, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror saw a crazy person with crazy eyes looking back at me and bargained "God, if they win this game, they don't have to win the World Series." Seriously. That entire series had just been so emotionally taxing, that I would've been content with them just beating the Red Sox, screw the next round (I still feel this way). I went back downstairs, and when Boone comes up in the bottom of the 11th, I stood up, not being able to take the strain of sitting still any longer. My mom asks "Is this guy any good?" and I'm like "eh" and the sound is barely out of my mouth when the ball meets the bat and my world is thoroughly rocked, to the point where I can't really process anything. Because you think you've seen so much good stuff, that it can't POSSIBLY be happening again, that you'd be greedy to even ask for it. I know I jumped up and down and screamed Holy Shit! Holy Shit! because my mom recalled it the next day to a friend on the phone, and I know my mom also accused Bret Boone of being jealous just by his body language in the booth and my dad and I jumping to his defense because he's "Sleepy." I think to myself that Mo crawling out and collapsing on the mound is one of the most honest and beautiful and perfect things I'd seen in my life. In the next millisecond, I bound up two flights of stairs to call Tonya, who is surrounded by bitter Cubs fans in Illinois and the only Yankee fan in a bar. When she answers, she's laughing hysterically and exhaustedly and quite possibly crying and I don't think either of us spoke anything but gibberish that entire conversation. I believe OH MY GOD! went back and forth a few times when we did manage to remember our native tongue, but that was it.

It was the first few minutes of October 17, 2003. It was, quite possibly, the best day of my life.

Survey Says, June and KB Style

So, after completing my last stolen survey on her blog, June noted several times how trite some of the questions were (and seriously - there are only so many times you can answer what's your eye color? and what's your favorite Snapple flavor?). And now, in an effort to create a fantastically awesome and different survey, June and I are going to go back and forth and ask each other questions, which the other has to answer in the comments section. I'm putting the first question out there, June will respond in the comments here and on her blog, where she'll post question number two. And, per June, "I guess we could let other people do the same - whoever is the first to comment & includes a link to the next question on their blog, could be the adventure we would follow." So let us ask a few questions to get started, and then we want you, fellow bloggers, to join in and add your own. It'll be an adventure to remember! Woo!

1. You're watching the game and, of course, it's a Fox game, and the announcers are teh suck. Create a playlist to listen to while you mute Timmy and Joe. -- KB

KB's answer:
-- Bang a Gong (Get it On), T-Rex
-- Give Me the Night, George Benson
-- I'm Your Captain, Grand Funk Railroad
-- You're The One For Me, D Train
-- Gimme Shelter, The Rolling Stones
-- Good Times, Chic
-- The Past is a Grotesque Animal, Of Montreal (Thanks, Jason, for exposing us to this every few days, as it clocks in at almost 12 minutes and can kill at least an inning)
-- In the Stone, Earth, Wind and Fire
-- Jump in the Line, Harry Belafonte
-- Smooth Criminal, Michael Jackson

Sunday, April 08, 2007

69 Questions? Aren't You a Cheeky Little Survey...

Stole this from Rana, and filled in some cracks that some sneaky teenager cut out along the way...

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
It's more like: "Please don't let it ring now. It's almost time for bed."

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

I return it to the little areas in the parking lot reserved for such things.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
What's the subject? Because if it's politics or religion, I usually keep my mouth shut.

4. Do you take compliments well?

If I think it's sincere, yes.

5. Do you play Sudoku?

Numbers scare me.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?

Wait, why not ask the person who abandoned me if THEY'LL survive after I get out of the woods and kick their ass?

7. Do you like to ride horses?

I haven't in a long time, but it's fun.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Day camp. Right across the street from a psychiatric hospital. Woo!

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?

Manhunt, re-enacting the miniseries North and South (seriously), Super Mario Brothers, anything off Intellivision, but particularly Burger Time, Snafu and Bowling.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for IT?

"Sexy person"? What is this, Borat? And no.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?

[Did a search and found this question, which was originally deleted, so whoever cut it out is OBVIOUSLY bothered by this question, which is awesome because someone they lied to is still reading their MySpace]
No. I only go on dates with people I'd actually like to hang out with.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

I would prefer to be with someone who didn't feel strongly either way (i.e. no religious diehards or hardcore athiests), as I can't stand loudmouths who don't realize that faith is different for everyone.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?

If you're pursuing or being pursued, it means that one of the parties is more interested than the other, so neither.

14. Use three words to describe yourself:

Creative, stubborn, silly

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Hearing "New York, New York" after the Yankees do something big.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Oh god no.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?

I'd actually like to learn, just in case pirates raid my apartment or office or something.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?

The Chicken, my mouse stuffed mouse JB, my Yankee Journals and the flash disc with my stories on them. They are all on the same shelf, so it wouldn't be hard to grab all of them.

19. How often do you read books?
As much as I can. But I should be writing them, not reading them, so this is one case where reading a lot is a bad thing.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?

The present. Because it is a gift.

21. What is your favorite childrens book?

Anything from the Ramona Series; Dr. DeSoto; The April Rabbits

22. What color are your eyes?


23. How tall are you?


24. Where is your dream house located?

I could deal with just owning a condo.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?

It wouldn't be a secret if I revealed I did have one now would it?

26. Have you tried sushi?
I'm not a seafood fan or wild about any uncooked food overall.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?


28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
When Ken and I tried to go in Times Square for a laugh AND THERE WAS A HALF HOUR WAIT. I seriously don't understand tourists sometimes.

29. Why is there always a question missing...?

Because some person who cut and pasted it is too embarrassed to answer it, as we're learning today.

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
From Middletown to Hoboken.

31. What was your favorite job?

The one I'm at now is quite bitchin'.

32. Do you like mustard?

Do you even know me, survey?

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?

I don't prefer either as I need to do both to survive.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I'm told I look like one or the other by different people on different days.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?

10 minutes.

36. Can you do splits?

I don't want to encourage or ruin any perverted fantasies here, so I won't answer.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?

Looking forward to Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, even if it promises to be as depressing as the book was.

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?
Uh, then you have less time to live. No thanks.

39. What did you do for New Year's?

Hung out with Erica, Rana and Ken at the old homestead.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I didn't see it.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?


42. Do you own a camera phone?
If you read this blog, you'll know the answer to that.

43. Do you have an "ex box" with pics and letters from past lovers?
[Did a search and found this question, which was originally deleted, so whoever cut it out is OBVIOUSLY bothered by this question. Which...why?]
I don't keep a box, but I do have some old e-mails, because they were pretty hilarious.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?

My mom always likes to lament that her high school didn't have a football team, so no.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?

N, bitches

46. Do you like your middle name?

It's one of the four main middle names given to girls in the 70s, so whatever.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

As many as Chewboken allows.

48. Do you like care bears?

I like capitalized product names more.

49. What do you buy at the movies?

Soda and Buncha Crunch.

50. Do you know how to play poker?

Sadly, no.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?

Always. Even in the backseat.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
PJ shorts and a t-shirt or tank-top, depending on the season.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Geraldo Rivera used to live there. Jon Bon Jovi lives there now. Derek Jeter never did.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?

Three. I can't function (i.e. I get REALLY cranky) if I don't eat properly.

55. Is your tongue pierced?

I don't even have my ears pierced. You think I'd bother with my tongue?

56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?
No, but I met people through Blogger. Which is vastly superior.

57. Do you read myspace bulletins?

The ones posted by The Chicken's friends.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?

I like funny people who are actually funny, not those who try too hard.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
[Oooh, this one was originally cut too, which means someone obviously WAS in L.A. and didn't want one of their MySpace readers to know. AWESOME.]

60. Did you eat a cookie today?

No. But I did have a Snickers.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?

Bah Fongoul. That's about it.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?

[AHA! Another deleted question, which means someone downloaded illegallllly].
I usually use iTunes. It's trustworthy.

63. Do you hate chocolate?

Yeah, right.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?

Who gets to sit where in the TV room.

65. Are you a gullible person?

I'm actually quite suspicious of everyone and everything until proven otherwise. Yet because I'm usually nice and because of Big Blue Eyes Syndrome, I think everyone believes I'm naive or something. It's always awesome when I prove them wrong.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?

If you're not happy BEFORE said boyfriend/girlfriend, you're never going to be happy.

67. If you could have any job what would it be?

Best-selling teen novelist isn't exactly something you can submit a resume for...

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Definitely. If it's not the post-season.

69. What is your favorite time of day?

I don't have one. Good stuff can happen at all different times.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

All is Right With the World. For Now

Why is it that I always decide to go shopping before Yankees have big moments with grand slams? Two years ago, I missed Jeter's first granny while out shopping. Today, I got out of my car and it was 7-3. I pour some money into the economy and Steph texts me that it's 7-6. I'm in a Ralph Lauren store trying to figure out who in the name of hell would spend 200 bucks on a dress in an outlet store, when I feel a buzz near my hip. It's my cellphone in my coat pocket, and it's the following message from Steph:

"Bottom 9th. Bases loaded. 2 outs. ARod up..."

Followed a second later by "Grand slam!!"

A-Rod is excited about the great deals I got while shopping today.

My response of "Aaqhtjmad!!" does not exactly convey the joy I was feeling. But I can tell you I was too excited to shop anymore after that, and promptly called my dad to see if I had indeed just missed more greatness and then ran to my car to hear the highlights (which were awesome because Sterling was caught completely off-guard by the homer, and didn't do his "It is high, it is far, it is...caught! At the wall!" spiel). What a fantastically joyous moment.

I give it a week before people are booing again.

Meet Me in the Upper Deck. It's Goin' Down

All the obnoxiously drunk, immature, antagonistic fucktards of the world need to find a giant hole to crawl in and die. Especially if they attend Yankee games. Especially if they might be your new season-ticket neighbors.

Seriously, if I can just go ONE SEASON without seat-neighbor drama, I'll be content. I ain't no teetotaler, but it's enough to make you want to move to the alchol-free sections of the Stadium, seeing as how every time a fan practically ruins a game for me, it's because they're retardedly drunk and stupid.

Or maybe people just need to learn how to handle their alcohol. Now there's a thought....

ETA -- It's the next morning and I'm still upset by this. Usually, I can just let it go after blogging about such dickwads, but when you think they might be around you for the next 12 Friday games, it makes it that much harder to drop. Also, when you haven't been name-called since, oh, the 8th grade, and said name-calling invokes a young girl who DIED IN THE HOLOCAUST (yes, one of the overly drunken guys started calling me Anne Frank because of my journal, and when I spun around and snapped at him that he was being extremely inappropriate -- especially since Steph is Jewish, and even if she weren't IT'S STILL IN BAD TASTE -- and that he could make fun of me all he wants, just leave that poor soul out of it, he still *sneakily* refers to me as that for the rest of the night -- it's hard to be sneaky when you're fucking plastered, however -- and I literally have to hold myself back from turning around and killing him but decide I don't ever want to be banned from Yankee's a bad night) and the plastered obnoxious bitches he's sitting with scream in our ears, trying to get us to turn around and say something to them (sidenote: there's a deeper story there involving Steph getting scared when she thinks they dropped a beer they were carrying on her, said dropped object only being a camera, Steph being relieved and nicely telling them as much, and the girls then thinking Steph is an angry person or something for not wanting beer spilled on her in 35-degree weather, Steph actually getting angry and telling them she can hear them whispering in Jr. High fashion about her, and the girls not letting it go for the rest of the night.) and me later turning around and asking them if they were season ticket holders (to try to peacefully work this out if they said yes) and getting mocked and laughed at...SIGH. Erica says they were being mean to the dude in front of us too, who was about as unassuming as they come, so I don't know what that was about...oh, right, NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE YOUR FUCKING ALCOHOL. It was just awful. And it's made worse when I hear the guy say something about how they made a season-ticket holder move once because they were so obnoxious, and actually being proud of this.

Guys, please pray for us that this was just a fluke and that they won't be there the rest of the season. Because a friend of theirs came up to visit later in the game and when he was leaving was like "See you in three weeks!" and three weeks from now is the Red Sox series, and I seriously don't know what I'll do if I have to endure another game of being mean-girled and laughed at for keeping a journal. My only hope is that one of the drunken girls kept refering to "home base" (like, if you actually follow baseball and go to lots of games you'll know it's home plate, but then she spent at least three to four innings buying beer, so who knows) and they were all so drunk that no one could drive home and one girl said she had no idea how to get out of there.

Again. Sigh.

Friday, April 06, 2007

"Just Preparing for the Deposition"

Man, it was so nice to have The Office back last night! Though Jim's total dismissal of Pam made me kinda bummed (though I think this is just building up to a fantastically awesome fight between them. Please, please, please, Office writer people, let them have it out), the quotability of last night was amaaaazing(/Kelly).

-- The opening? Maybe the best one the show's ever had. Loved Jim's "Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray...and not the nunchuks or the throwing stars."

-- Michael's love for Wikipedia is also awesome. "Wikipedia
is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they
want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible

-- I am totally using Daryl's "Make it happen, captain" when Jeter's up at bat from now on.

-- I wish I could remember Creed's recount of "the incident", but all I
can remember is the hairspray and lighter bit,
and that almost had me
on the floor. Found it! "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter…"

-- Michael's "What are you writing, pervball" to Toby and "It was a crime of passion Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled"...I want to be friends with the writers of this show so, so badly.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Dear BJ Upton,

Where can I procure a hip-and-happening ski mask like the one you and your Devil Ray friends are sporting on this fine evening? I fear I may need one for tomorrow night's festivities, as Mother Nature has decided that rain is SO last season, and freezing-ass cold is the new downpour.

Yours very truly,

(PS -- What's with Meathead suddenly being able to get hits through the right-side of the infield? Is The Shift not in style anymore?)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Nothing Beats a Great Pair of Legs. Except, You Know, Great Singing

So I'm loving that in post-Idol chatter around the internet this evening, I'm seeing that people are calling Simon's comments to Haley about her having great legs inappropriate. Huh? Let's backtrack here. Girlfriend's wearing a dress that barely covers her ass and bang-me heels (not to mention a Grand Canyon-load of cleavage), has been dressing the part of Jersey Shore Guidette for the past few weeks, clearly WANTS America to notice that she's shapely, and when Simon states the obvious, it's inappropriate? Now, had he said "You have great legs...that I can imagine wrapped around my neck as we make the beast with two backs on satin sheets in my love den" THEN we'd have a problem. But I feel like he said it to point out that she's using sex-appeal to hide the fact that she's not even remotely close to the top gals on the show vocally. If she'd had some part of her anatomy covered, he wouldn't be able to go there. I mean, they comment on Sanjaya's hair every week. Why? Because he makes it obvious. It's the same thing if you're hiking up your skirt just enough to cover your coochie coochie.

And the fact that Haley looked annoyed by the comment is even more perplexing. Like, if I'm putting myself out there in front of three judges who are known to be bizarre in their criticisms, I'm not going to go out of my way to be scantily clad, thus taking their comments away from the singing. I guarantee you had she had a performance of Melinda or Jordin proportions, her gams and getup would be a mere sidenote in their commentary. But when your legs are more noticeable than your voice, it's not going to get you what you want.

There's nothing wrong with using what your mama gave you, but don't be so scandalized when people actually call you out on it.


It looks like the Aflac duck is keeping his job! I noticed this last night while watching the Yankee replay, and our favorite duck was included in a new Aflac ad. And unlike the reviewer in the above linked story, I LOVED the new commercial. Because the duck screaming "AFLAC!" while chasing a goat out of a building? AWESOME.

Check it out here. And check out the one from Japan too...

Monday, April 02, 2007

Quotes of the (Opening) Day

"There's no nudity? I'm not watching this..." — Production Guy Jeff, upon viewing The Chicken's video.

Honorable mention: "If I had a sex toys party, you can bet there'd be cocktails. I promise." — Jason

Because It's Opening Day, God Damn It


So I'm happily carting around the annual Opening Day Cupcakes this morning, in the handy-dandy cupcake carrier I picked up last week, and while I'm waiting at the bus stop, this dude comes up, looks at me, looks at the cupcakes and back at me again. So I responded, "It's Opening Day." His response? NOTHING. Like, dude, could've at least said, "Oh, okay." But he just looked at me like I said I was carrying around the next Christ child in my cupcake carrier.

Some people have no sense of fun, I swear. I hate them.

What? You Were Expecting Girls in Bikinis and a Car Chase?

Chicken Dance

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Welcome to The Yankee Chicken's first-evah music video, in honor of Opening Day. Expect guest appearances by Moose, Jorge, A-Rod, El Capitan, El Dooky, Matsui, Damone, Mo, Guy the Godzilla and Fabian the Vulture. And a not-so-special uninvited guest. Expect it to be nominated for a VMA this summer. Totally.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

She's Just Like You and Me, BUT SHE'S HOMELESS

Uh, I seem to be recalling last night as a hazy fog that included fishbowl drinks, guidos, feather boas, shots, scorchingly hot guys* dancing with us to the likes of Crystal Waters and Carolyn wearing her bachelorette crown all night and only losing it once.

*This is an utter lie. I just wanted to freak out Rick a bit, but in reality, his bride-to-be literally rolled her eyes in the most fantastic fashion when this really strange dude (he was one of many overly-cocky 22-year-oldish guys that were out and about in the 'Boken last night) tried to dance with her. It's one of the reasons why she and I are friends.