Thursday, May 31, 2007

Hello? Is it Me You're Looking For?

Just wanted to warn that there will be no posting this weekend, and it's not because I am vexed with the Yankees and shunning their games with the Sux. Nay, The Chicken and I have some business to attend to in Cooperstown, where we will be traveling with Dexter and Vicki and will be making some sacrifices to the baseball gods in an effort to turn the Yankees' season around.

Pictures of middle fingers (and middle feathers) pointed in the general direction of a certain bloody sock are forthcoming. I promise.

A New Battle Cry for the Employed

Oh, Creed. I miss you:

The last thing I want to deal with at work is people.


I Suppose Drowning Out Tens of Thousands of Fans is Easier Anyway

How is it not "bush league" for a dugout's worth of players and coaches to yell "I got it" when a catcher nears to make a putout (something I learned last night, which, wow that's kind of funny) but A-Rod pulls the same shit with an infielder (and, I'm sorry, "Ha!" ain't "I got it") and it's, like, soooooooooo immature?

Just wondering.

For a man who gets accused of being "a whiny little bitch" he certainly has a knack for turning opposing players into just that.

ETA -- the more I read, the more I can't believe the Jays are as stupid as they are. Gibbons got into a FIST FIGHT with one of his players (they can deny it all they want, but if I remember correctly, there was a huge "OMG!" look amongst the players and then all of them scurrying into the dugout runway to see what was going down -- that doesn't happen if two guys are just talking), and HE'S suddenly an authority on what is and isn't the Yankee way? Honestly, I think the rest of the league has gotten used to the Yankee way of complacency in recent years, especially when it comes to retaliation for hit batsmen, so, whatever, maybe he's confused.

Also, I forgot to mention that Giambi getting mouthy with the Jays catcher when the dust was settling was pretty awesome too. He may be on my shitlist permanently for the whole steroid debacle, but sticking up for his guy (and the whipping boy at that) is good to see.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Wah, Wah, W...Oh, PUHLEAZE.

I understand that this is a humorous piece and that maybe it's a little tongue-in-cheek, but if it's serious? What, you only stick by a team when they win? That, my friends, is classic bandwagon speak, and I

I realized something today that made me think I need to STFU in regards to any "badness" this team is producing and that is this: The last time the Yanks were this crappy, I didn't even have boobs. I didn't have a driver's license. The internet didn't exist, let alone blogging. That's, like, a long time ago. What kind of ungrateful jackass would I have to be to think of ditching the current incarnation simply because they are in last place? Now, I can allow myself to be a little frustrated -- I am human, after all -- but to bitch and moan like I haven't had this team provide a shit load of joy for me for the past, oh, 15 seasons? That's just wrong, yo.

It is what it is. And right now it sucks. But that doesn't mean you throw away all your interest a team because, awwwww, you can't deal with the bad times. This, my friends, is what separates the men from the boys in terms of fandom. It'll be interesting to see who's left when the dust settles. Will you be one of them?

Sunday, May 27, 2007

This Yankee Team... as disappointing as any inconsistent guy I've ever dated. Multiplied by 25.

Also: They're dull as fuck.

That is all.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

You Asked For it, Steph

15-19. What is that, you ask? Well, when Steph pondered just what our record was on Fridays during another awesomely bad game last night, I consulted the trusty Yankee Journal, and that 15-19 is my record since 2004. (Just to FYI -- I missed six interleague games over the years, but I know they lost and won a few in there. They also won one regular game I missed last season and they had the loss against the Sux a few weeks ago when I was sick, so I think it still evens out to be a MEH record overall.) By year: 2004: 5-5, 2005: 6-5, 2006: 4-6, and they are 0-3 with me there this season. This year and last have had the most brutal games to watch in the early going, though, and I'm starting to get a complex. What's bizarre is when you consider how many games they won over the years, and just how not good they are on Fridays. WTF? I wish I could find out how many awesome wins they had on Saturdays, because, as you know, that pisses me off too.

Anyway. At least the company for the game was good. Tonya's in town for her bachelorette party, so she scored some tickets and then she and Ken were lucky enough to be able to sit next to us for the whole game, seeing as how the two people to our right never show up. Ken...well, he's no baseball connoisseur, but he did have some of the best observations of the game. Like, when he decries all sloppily drunken men who are obnoxious and loud and make stupid statements as "They think they are Yoda. They think they are all-knowing, but they aren't."

My personal fave was when the douche who picked on the Journal at the first game showed up with some new friends, and Ken was all "THAT'S the guy?" and we were like "Yeah" and he just sat there looking at a loss until he finally spat out disgustedly "He has a CARB FACE." Tonya and I were like "huh?" and he explained that when people eat lots of carbs and gain weight easily, it usually goes to their face. So we decided to use it in a sentence, and Tonya observed from his scoreboard picture that "Chone Figgins does not have a Carb Face" and that if we were speaking like Yoda about other people it would be "Carb Face he has." Then Ken chimes in again about Douche-y, pointing out helpfully, "And he has man boobs." They were apparently looking at us at one point, but nothing got said this time, probably because the crew of girls Douche-y was with that one time weren't there to stroke his ego and make him be more douche-y. Or maybe he was just afraid of Ken.

Other points of game interest:

-- Tonya gets quote of the night honors, as the bride-to-be observed during the loveliness that is the Yankee relief pitching, "I'd like to register for a new bullpen. Can you get that at Bed, Bath & Beyond?"

-- The light-up lava pen giveaway is THE SAME ONE AS LAST YEAR. Except this time, Steph's works. Woo!

-- I've decided that whenever the Yankees load the bases, we shall henceforth refer to it as "Threat Level Midnight." I mean, this would probably get more use when the Yankee pitching is being wildly sucktastic, but I don't want Agent Michael Scarn references to be a bad thing.

-- When the Rudy psych-up clip comes on late in the game, I just roll my eyes now. Because, I'm sorry, there needs to be an addition to the "Nobody comes into our house and pushes us around" and that needs to be "...except on Fridays."

Bitter? Who, me?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Blog Housekeeping

So I was going to update my sidebar with a bunch of classic posts, and then I thought: Why don't I just use that stupid labeling system instead? I hate the way it just appears at the end of the post and there's no seperation, but it's much more convenient than adding it all onto my template, so what the hell? I've gone back 300 posts and labeled the stuff with running themes (The Office, vacations, etc.) and I'll do more in time. And no, I can't go back and label every Yankee post, I'd be here all year, so people will just have to go and find that stuff themselves.

Also, if you haven't updated your blogs in over six months or changed to new addresses or made your blogs private, I've sadly had to delete you. But I'll put you back if you start posting again. Think of it as motivation.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Proof of My Hoboken Lineage

Thanks to, you can now look up family military documents dating back to the Revolutionary War. While none of my relatives were cool enough to be in the Colonies, I can at least see photographic evidence of my great-grandfather being too old to fight in WWII:


I like to tell people that three generations of my family before me lived in Hoboken before my grandparents sold their house on Garden St. in the early 80s (SIGH. If they only knew). Well now I've got some visual evidence. And also it's proof that Great Grandpa Hanlan probably had the neatest handwriting out of anyone with the last name Bischer, which isn't saying much.

Quote of the Day

Via my dad, with an e-mail titled "Great TV":

Watching Hurley run over Schilling with a VW micro-bus was one of the great scenes ever on television. I think that happened last night, I kept switching back between Lost and the game.

February? "A Day in the Life"? AUGH.


Man alive, I really wish I hadn't figured out Jack was his future self right off the bat (the craziness and graying beard were a dead giveaway to me) because if I'd been surprised by him meeting with Kate at the end, it would've made this excellent episode excellenter. However.

Walt! Dead Charlie! Alive Locke! "I'm a dentist. I'm not Rambo"! Hurley and the van! Sawyer and Sayid kicking Other Ass! Ben having a very valid reason to not want his teenage "daughter" to get pregnant! Mother-daughter bonding over tying up the man who kidnapped you! The Patch Man not being dead again! This was exactly what a season finale should be, but now we have to wait until NEXT SPRING TRAINING to pick this all up again.

And since Idol held no appeal for me tonight since it is evil and I am not a fan of 119 minutes worth of filler (and Yankees/Red Sox trumps all), I only tuned in for the last few minutes...which ended up being 10 minutes more than I wanted to see thanks to Fox's time manipulation. And egads, I got subjected to that semi-embarrasing Sgt. Pepper medley that made no sense whatsoever. I mean, it was sung well enough, but the first time they really use the Beatles on the show is in a throwaway finale? And Sgt. Pepper? WHY? As soon as Taylor started in with his "A Day in the Life", I shouted "Nooooooo!" Partly because Jason sang it way awesomer in karaoke last week (and he didn't even need a shirt made out of reflective tape to do so) and I didn't want my memory all scarred, and partly because you can't fucking truncate A DAY IN THE LIFE. Which is exactly what they did. Because I think the producers of this show really are clueless. But then it all gives way to the most unsurprising reveal of a winner on this show EVER and I get to tune back to the Yankees who are on my good side again, mostly because they didn't randomly bust out with "A Little Help From My Friends." Though that might be slightly less corny (and probably a hell of a lot more entertaining) than what the Idol producers subjected me to...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

But If Jeter Had Done It, It Would've Been Clutch

Here's what I don't get: After A-Rod's slapping incident of Game 6, 2004, he's vilified, but if he'd "gone in hard and pummeled Arroyo to the ground" it would've been understandable and even commendable. I've heard both Red Sox and Yankee fans say this.

Last night he tries to break up a double play, in a game where the bats weren't doing anything, by going in hard and elbow-y and pushy into second. And it's considered a cheap shot. Again by fans of both teams.

Make up your effing minds, people.

ETA: You may have noticed that I shut down commenting on this post. Since those who commented are loyal readers of the blog, and I consider this a first strike, I didn't want to single anyone out, but a word was used that I find highly offensive and rather than delete the comment and leave the commentor scratching their head, I thought I'd take this opportunity to set some ground rules: Cursing is fine; words of ignorance/insults to someone's race, gender or sexuality are not. Mmkay? Good.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Yankee Chicken: Motivational Thinker


This is The Chicken sending some deep thoughts the Yankees' way. He does this from time to time, when he feels they are in need of inspiration via ESP. While we are not privy to the the messages he sends since only those in Pinstripes can hear them, I imagine that in this particular time, with the Yankees plodding around like a well-paid Eeyore and the Sux coming to town, they translate to something like this:


At least, I hope.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Fashion Designers Sing Each to Each. I Do Not Think That They Sing to Me

So after months of me complaining about not being able to find a skirt or dress that isn't tiered, ruffled, assymetrical, tight at the top and scarily flared at the bottom, cutting off in weird places, in a constant state of looking like it needs to be ironed, boldly-patterned or could be mistaken for maternity wear, Melissa calls me from a shopping trip to offer the following:

"You're right. Everything is ugly, poofy and ruffled." Since she is usually more into the hip styles of today than I am, I officially know that I am not going crazy.

I don't understand it. I know I am on the conservative side of dressing, but when the hell did the worst of 70s and 80s fashions have sex and breed this spawn of putridness at every store I go to? Even J. Crew, my mainstay in clothing, has gone out on this whimsically fugly branch. I mean how do you explain this?


And that'll set you back about 500 bucks too. No kidding.

And while that's on the extreme end, even the middle-of-the-road stuff is fug. At ALL stores. I'm sorry, but I don't care to have a waistline that ends under my bustline, thus poofing out below it shapelessly like an effing nightgown. I also don't care for skirts that are snug on top and then start flaring out at about six different angles, and then ending right below the knee, which makes you look like as if you're trying to wear a giant pumpkin, but it won't fit over your ass.

It's gotten to the point where I go to the "old lady" sections of stores to see what they have, but apparently when you pass a certain age, you don't wear skirts or dresses above the knee anymore. No, everything is elastic-waistbanded and down to your ankles and, well, old-ladyish.

It's weird, too, because I have no problem with the shirts that are out there, as most places seem to know the basics on top will never be out of style. But skirts and dresses? FORGET IT. I mean, my wallet is grateful, but I really need some new stuff and it just ain't happening this season.

I've tried EVERYWHERE. Good lord, I even checked out Talbots online. But it's like all the designers follow each other and when they decide what's in, it's in, and it's out with the stuff that people may actually like. It almost makes me wish there was no such thing as a fashion trends, and that people could just dress in the styles they want with stores that would cater to whatever clothing whim they're feeling. But I suppose that won't make money for anyone, and thus I have to bear with whatever they throw out there and label "fashionable."

But that sure as fuck doesn't mean I have to wear it.

Because You Know You Want to Meet Creed

Duuuude. I've never so seriously thought about doing something so dorky in my entire life, but an Office Convention? Some people idolize Pulitzer Prize-winning authors, but the writers of this show are like my heroes (and the actors ain't too shabby themselves, especially since many of them are writers as well), and if it's not a Game 6 and 7 that I actually care about, um, I may have to look into this.

I like sharing my nerdiness on the blog, what can I say?

Just a Reminder... is Interleague Play right now, therefore baseball is shunned by me. Don't be coming 'round here looking for me to be all excited that it's Yankees/Mets, or better still, Yankees/Colorado Rockies, when you should know by now that I don't give a flying fig about this stupid Selig concoction.

Not that the Yanks have given me much to talk about lately, but still. You get it.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

"I Remember. I Blogged The Whole Thing."

Between the Yankees sucktasticness of late and Idol hating me and life's usual wah-wahs, I was expecting The Office to shove a big sword in my heart or something. But, oh, it so did not. I give it a bit old gold yogurt medal for all of the following:

-- Creed "blogging." Just... Can this show marry me?

-- Michael selling his house on eBay and when he wants it back "I'll probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile."

-- "I love fake boobs. Often times you find them on strippers" vs. "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby, that's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots" might be the best use of talking heads EVER on this show.

-- Michael actually "scoring" his goodbye with Natalie Merchant.

-- "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Shrute Bucks?" "Same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns." Brilliant.

-- I'll leave Dwight's Jack Bauer comment for Erica to squee about, if she so chooses.

-- I love that Ryan got the job, merely because he has an MBA and not because of his job experience. 1)With Dunder-Mifflin even having Michael in a position of power, we already know they are a pretty stupid company and 2)Let's just say I knew of a place that actually hired based on what makes a good candidate on paper rather than actual experience. It's totally believable to me. And maybe to Dexter. And Hollis.

-- I'm guessing that even though Karen didn't get the job, she'll be out (Rashida's pilot got picked up by Fox as a midseason replacement -- no worries, Ben!) because they didn't paint her in a very nice light tonight, what with her wanting to change Jim (the "homeless" hair comment actually irritated me), smirking during Jan's firing, her insecurities toward Pam and selling out Michael in the interview. Like, I was kinda neutral on her before, but damn if she's my most disliked character after that. Maybe she'll start dating Ryan now, though...

-- Oh... Jim and Pam? My heart grew about 12 sizes with the medal and note and his being thrown off and then his busting in and Pam's teary smile at the camera. Dear god, he'd better have meant "It's a date date" and not just "It's a date for me to tell you I can't do this." I guess you don't ditch your girlfriend in the city and run back to Scranton to be a dick, though. At least, I hope.

We've got four long, long months to hope. Sigh.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Note to Self:

You will never be able to hit the high notes in "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", so much so that you will just give up on the Ahhhhhhhhs entirely. But still giggle about the horny back toads.

And until you see the lyrics to Ambrosia's "How Much I Feel" printed out on a sand mound with shells built by a wistful looking Asian girl, you don't realize what a horrifying song it is. All these years I thought it was this sweet song and then you get to that last verse before the chorus. EWWW.

Dead. To. Me.

America can vote off Latoya and A-Fed and Paris and all my other semi-faves from American Idol and I will keep watching. But vote off the most versatile performer since Kelly Clarkson and you're going to have to watch me walk away with my middle fingers extended.

Fuck you, America. Hope you enjoy your bottle of 17-year-old gaspy saccharine sweet songs about rainbows and moonbeams and destiny or club music that wasn't even that great circa 1997, because that's what you clearly want, even though you've got a powder keg of awesomeness shuffling away right now and could outsing the Idol Princess and Beatboxer combined.

I'm not watching next Tuesday and I'm even less certain about next season. I don't know what the point is when I'm in this to watch the best singer win, yet that's what it's rarely ever about.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Like We Didn't Already Know...

Loyal reader Yan sent along this Zagat/Today show survey about the best fast food restaurants. And guess who got the Best Chicken title (and scored REALLY well overall)? Aww, yeah...

Picture 1

Click on the PDF link on the Web site to find more results.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Search Term of the Day!

I'm not exactly sure how this search term...
Picture 1

...lands you this image...


But I find it all together hilarious.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Because We're Not Talking About THEM Right Now

You Are 80% New Jersey!

You are definitely Jersey. Well done, my friend. You are most likely from this great state, and you fit right in. Odds are, you love being Jersey!

How New Jersey Are You?
Make Your Own Quiz

OK, I will have you know that the only reason I don't have a higher score is because of this question:

"In the summer, do you go 'down the shore'?"

Only BENNIES/WEBS say they are "Going Down the Shore". If you LIVE near the shore, as I did growing up, you say "I'm going to the beach," which is what I still say even though I live in Hoboken. But I will admit to telling people who grew up in Northern NJ or New York that I grew up Down the Shore, seeing as how when I say "Middletown" everyone gets this scrunched up look on their face as if they are trying to place it, but can't. I hope that doesn't mean I am mocking them subconciously...

And this question was a little weird, though I answered in the affirmative "Do you know where to get some good bagels, good sushi and good Indian curry?" Because while I get the bagel part of the question, as NJ is close enough to NYC to have some very awesomely made bagels, I don't get how sushi and Indian curry are a proud indigenous export of the state, like cranberries and tomatoes. I'd almost say "You go to New York City to find the best of that stuff." Then again, I don't eat either, so what do I know?

Oh yeah, and speaking of all things Jersey, I navigated maybe one of the scariest circles I've ever encountered yesterday, aka, The Asbury Circle. I suspect Lupe may be the only one to know what I'm talking about here, but let me just say, you really have to THINK as it's like the SATs of driving to get around a circle most of the time, but this was like the f'ing Bar exam. I got out of it alive and was way proud of myself for it, but it's the last time I ever go THAT far south on Highway 35, that's for sure.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Bandwagoners Wear Many Hats. Literally.

Want to hear something awesome? I'm seeing a whole bunch of Mets hats lately, in NYC and especially in Hoboken (where in the first four years I lived there, I could count the amount of Mets hats I saw on two hands, and now every other person I see is wearing one. Red Sox hats and even Yankee hats have declined BIG time). Do you know what this means? The bandwagon has officially swung in the direction of Queens and WOOOOOOOOO! That means the amount of poser Yankee fans should drop significantly and I won't have to have fits of rage at Yankee games when dumbasses who don't know who is who or playing where offer bits of deep info like "A-Rod, you suck!" No, they'll have invaded Shea and be obnoxious there and start The Wave during potentially huge rallies and be completely oblivious to the stares of hate coming from the real diehards around them. I will not miss them.

To my friends who are true Mets fans, Godspeed. I'd say deal with them in the whole "They know not what they do" sort of way, but they totally know what they do and are more contemptable for it. You will learn how to sort them from the real fans quite easily -- they won't know anyone other than David Wright, is my guess. These people are the tooliest of tools, and deep down they know it, so try to prey upon that.

But here's what I want to know: When bandwagoners switch allegiances, what happens to all the merchandise for the team they gave up? Like, if I were to go over to the 333 River complex and raid a random closet, would I find a cobwebbed Yankee hat, covered by a dusty Red Sox hat, while the closet's owner is proudly displaying the ol' Orange and Blue on his head? Would he even TRY to defend himself?

I shall never understand bandwagondom. Like, why would you forsake the deep feelings you get for a team by rooting for them day in and day out for YEARS for just the whole instant gratification of winning over a six-month-to-two-year span? What satisfaction do you get out of pretending to be emotionally invested in a team and all the while not knowing how they got to where they are now? It boggles my mind, really, as surviving the bad and mediocre times with a team is what intensifies your desire to see them win. I can't imagine just latching onto a winning franchise just to look cool. What spurs people on to do this? Or is it really just tooliness at its finest?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

And It's a Big However...

Tonight proved why NBC shouldn't screw with The Office and extend it to an hour. It was a little dragged out and awkward and totally works better in a half-hour, bang-bang format. However...


Pam? Made me teary. If this is why we had to endure a lot of angstiness on her and Jim's part this season, then thank god for it, because that last scene of hers was absolutely beautiful and a great, believable payoff. And Michael's response? Totally hilarious in that it was recognition and yet still in keeping with his clueless character.

The Harry Potter references? AWESOME.

Creed catching a fish with his bare hands? And eating it raw? RULED.

Stanley getting all fiery and then giving up and going back to his crossword puzzle? I HEART HIM.

"The Gambler" and "Flintstones" sing alongs? Okay, it was a little too enthusiastic for a group of people who are so meh about each other, but anytime they bring music and singing into this show, it's quite fabulous.

UGH. One episode left till September. UGH.

Awesomeness of the Day

That'd be Jason, strolling in, singing "Thank You For Being a Friend" and dispensing a Mr. Softee chocolate milkshake onto my desk. The fact that it is 80.7 degrees in my office and fact-checking is making my head spin right now makes this the perfect afternoon pick-me-up.

And he didn't even know the Yankees were getting mauled and making me all Sad Clown (speaking of, where the hell is Cano these days?) and in need of something comforting. That's a groovy thing, y'all.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Why DVRs and Lost ROCK

This is spoilery regarding Lost, so if you haven't watched, DON'T READ. Dexter and Vicki, this means you.

OMFG. Had I not been reading the Television Without Pity board I never would've seen this, but if you have DVR (or maybe even a VCR would work -- it needs to be able to go frame-by-frame in slo-mo though) go to the scene where Locke and Ben are visiting the set from George Harrison's "I Got My Mind Set on You" video Jacob's cabin. Right at the part where Jacob freaks out, and riiiiiight after he tosses Ben into the wall, if you go frame-by-frame you will actually SEE an oldish looking man with ratty hair sitting in the rocking chair. I didn't see this when it was first on because it went so fast, but holy CRAP is that a nice, creepy touch. As is Vincent running around with what would end up being Ben's dad's arm earlier this season.

Shooting Locke actually made me gasp, but he ain't dead. The man gets to the island and can walk after being paralyzed, so no way in hell a gunshot wound will do him in.

What Do These Things Have in Common?

Beer. Cruise ships. Ice cream. Color Me Badd. Venus.

That'd be a good night with friends. It hopefully is the start of many for the summer.

And Melinda survived my usual Idol No. 4 jinx. Wooo!

In Which I Whine About The Office

Oh, man, why did The Office submit The Coup as their episode for Emmy nomination consideration? That was maybe the most singularly annoying episode of the season for me, so much so, I never re-watched it. I thought Traveling Salesmen was the ultimate Office episode, showcasing all the characters in a well-paced manner and just well-done overall. Or even Business School, which was actually touching, or The Return which was Dwight and Michael, the faces of the show, at their best without being over-the-top. I'm just kinda stunned.

I think if they get nominated, they send more episodes along for judging, but man, keep The Coup out of it.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Because They Are Nothing, If Not Transparent

That'd be the powers that be over at American Idol. I honestly think they want Melinda (sings like someone my age and older would like) out of this competition so Jordin (who'd appeal more to the key teen money-spending demographic) can win. 1) They put Melinda in the forgettable first slot. 2) The judges want her to stop being good. I mean, why else would Paula tell her to stop being so techincally proficient? God forbid a singer on this show actually have some modicum of talent. This is called de-pimping at its finest. 3) This is Jordin's second time in the pimp spot in three episodes. 4) Y'all, did you know Jordin is only 17? Because I'm not sure they've thrown this out there enough this season. 5) My favorite always goes out in fourth place, so have your bags packed, Melinda.

I don't have a real problem with Jordin winning (except that she has to stop gasping after every line of a song like she's asthmatic or something), but I do have a problem with the manipulation that goes on in this show. Blah. Same old shit, different year, I guess.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

A Day of Are You Kidding Me

(Written during the near-brawl, followed by The Announcement That Made Me Want to Puke, but blogger was being a little bitch)

You know, I get that pitchers have to defend their guy and that the Yankees haven't done much of that in recent years, and it needs to be done sometimes, but today? Scott Proctor showed what a big fucking tool he is. Because when you throw behind a guy after your guy was RIGHTLY hit for something he did (Phelps, what the fuck were you thinking with that slide?), and BOTH benches were warned and it should be considered even, and then you act all "You want a piece of me?" after throwing your pitch of wrath, that's not manly, it's dickwadish behavior. Especially when the entire bullpen needs a few days of rest, and you pull this shit with two innings left. You, Scott Proctor, are officially shunned.

And then Michael Kay LAUDS it. No, Mikey, you offer kudos when you are retaliating legitimately, not when the pitcher wants to whip his penis out and show how much bigger he is than everyone else in the name of team pride or whatnot...and FUCK ME, Clemens is a Yankee again? There goes at least every game he pitches in the playoffs because he's "too pumped up."


Saturday, May 05, 2007

Why I Hate Fox II, Electric Bugaloo

-- The whatever-passes-for-rock-these-days musical accompaniment when showing Karstens getting his leg broken last weekend. I didn't realize a guy getting injured and rolling on the ground in pain had to have a score to go with it, like it's a promo for some bad teen show.

-- McCarver lamenting that if only there were instant replay in baseball, Melky would've been called out since his foot missed the bag. Like, I know he's an idiot, but when did he become a champion of the instant replay cause?

-- I'd like to know how much of the audience is "national" and watching just for the hell of it. Because I HIGHLY doubt anyone with invested interest in the Mariners or Yankees cares to have their game relegated to the corner of the screen in the interest of seeing Barry Bonds get intentionally walked. When he gets to the record-breaker, call me. Until then, I don't give a shit if he homers, walks, strikes out, takes a dump, heals the blind to see or whatever. Give me my game, assholes.

-- SHUT UP with your intensity when bringing know... into focus. I don't need to see the scoreboard, closeups of every player, all the Fox-like trappings of nerve-rackingness IN THE SIXTH INNING.

KB's Annual Derby Pick

Sadly, there are no awesomely named horsies running today, which sucks when you make your picks on scientific stuff like that. So I'm going with Tiago this year, merely because he is the half-brother of probably the awesomest-named horse of all time, Giacomo.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

"They Lost in a Very Discouraging Way."

That, my friends, is the quote of last night, uttered by a slightly drunken young man on the D train when a passenger who hadn't been at the game wanted to know if the Yankees won. Because up until then I was looking for the right word to describe the big old mess that was the 9 innings we sat through, and discouraging fits perfectly.

I've sat through many a shitty game on Friday nights (it seems to be the one night a week they save their uber-shittiness for), but last night was a new form of gross, what with Igawa blowing a big lead and Colter Bean and Vizcaino outright SUCKING. I can't blame the offense because 11 runs SHOULD win you a ballgame, you know? But it does suck when they act as if they could pull it out, and then, yawn, flyouts and groundouts, whoppee. I'm kinda sick of it, because this ALWAYS happens on Fridays. They are the masters of forplay and then they can't bring it on home. And then they win in awesome fashion the next day. What the hell is that about? It's like a big old unintentional "Fuck you" to the Friday night-goers, and it's starting to piss me off.

Anyway, at least the people sitting next to us were really nice, offering us their binoculars and Cracker Jack and calling us "hon" and stuff. I think they are somehow related to the mean people from the first game, but they told Erica they only have tickets to 6 games, so we'll see.

But seriously. This is my fourth season with Friday night tickets, and my fourth season where they just blow on most said Fridays. What does one have to do to see a win?

They have till May 26 to figure it out.

Friday, May 04, 2007

In Which I Meet One of the A-Hyphen People

So last night, Dexter and Vicki took me to see The Fantasticks, because a certain American Idol contestant is now performing in the show, and you know what a dork I am about these things and Dexter and Vicki are cool like that. And after the show, which I was pleasantly surprised by, since I didn't know much about it going in and I'm kind of picky about musicals, I got to meet Mr. Federov himself, seeing as how Dexter befriends everyone.

Here's how it went down: We took our time leaving since Dexter and Vicki had to use the crowded bathrooms. When we're getting ready to exit, I'm texting Steph for the score, and all of a sudden I hear Dexter talking and "KB, come here" and all I could think was "shiiiiiiiit" because I thought he was talking to the REALLY cute guy who plays the wall/mute character and I thought he was trying to make a love connection, but I didn't even want to consider that because this is theater and that means there are men who don't play for the same team as me and that would just ruin the nice little fantasy I'd cultivated for myself during the show. Anyhow, I turn around, and Dexter's talking to A-Fed! I was so relieved, that I was all "Hey Anthony, nice to meet you!" and shook his hand -- this is how I've greeted two other American Idol contestants at my office, so I've had practice. He was very nice, even went around looking for a pen to sign my Playbill, and was all concerned about dating it properly. We told him he was great in the play and then he got swallowed up by a gaggle of groupies, so I didn't get to kidnap him and sell him to the Yankees so they could use him and his left-handedness in the starting rotation, while singing the national anthem every night.

But all in all in all, quite a good evening.

Quote of the 28 Days

"I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate I wouldn't have to deal with idiodic calendars anymore, I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides."

From now on, when I am PMSing, the wisdom of Dwight Schrute will see me through.

And poor, poor Jan. She got dumped by the emotional equivilent of a 14-year-old girl.

Meredith is alive. Woo!

Ryan's a bit of an ass. Boo! But then, we kind of knew this already.

Also, my hackles got up when Karen picked out her little treats for Jim and seemed quite smug about it. Like, I think I wanted to hurt her. Though I think that'll happen without me even having to become an imaginary person and drive to Scranton myself. At least, I hope.

Definitely liked this episode better than last week's, but it still felt a bit awkward pacing-wise, thanks to the super-sizing. Though they've set a lot up for the last few episodes of the season, which, sniff.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Whoever Has the Collection of Yankee Voodoo Dolls...

...take that big fat needle you've been using to decimate the entire team, and kindly shove it up your ass. Because you can hurt the old dudes and be a bit under the radar, but when you go after a 20-year-old kid in his second start, you will incur my wrath.

This is just becoming unfair now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

TGBJCYOAM Question 6

Flashback to when you were the ripe ol' age of 13. You've just entered teenhood and you, of course, think you are a total bad ass. Here is your question: If current day you could tell 13-year-old you one thing, what would it be? -- Erica

Thanks for reviving it, Erica!

I don't think I'd tell myself much of anything as
1) I didn't listen much to anyone who wasn't my peer when I was 13, and sure as hell not a 30-year-old.
2) I think we learn best from our errors in judgment (and I think I had many back then), so if I were to try to fix anything I did back then, I wouldn't be who I am today, which is righteous and awesome.

Though I would ask that she doesn't tear up and throw out all the stories she wrote in the 7th grade. You're going to regret that later, jackass.

I'll report back with a new question later.