Monday, June 30, 2008

Return of the Herbs


The Yankee Chicken inspects this season's A-Rod Basil, which has really taken off the last two weeks or so. What, you didn't think that just because I moved to Jersey City that I'd give up my indoor Yankee-named herb garden, now, did you?

It smells great. Here, take a whiff!


Saturday, June 28, 2008

Complete and Total Exclusive!

So have you guys heard of the super-rare uncontacted Jerseyian apartment-dwelling chicken? Well, today I just happened to be walking across my bed and found some! Here, look!


As you can see, they're not used to being photographed. They think people with cameras are gods or something, thus why they look like they may be frightened. But they are kind of in danger thanks to the overaccumulation of stuff, such as clothing and Aerobeds and other belongings, so it's very important that you know they exist.

No one has ever photographed them before. Isn't it lucky that they just happened to be in my bedroom?

Friday, June 27, 2008

You Know It's True

Rick knows me so well. I love it so much, I will do backflips when it's over on Sunday night.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Seriously, Did Anything Good Come Out of That Year?

I know I was all down on VH1 for doing an I Love the New Millennium merely 8 years into said millennium, but I have been watching it and I am glad of one thing: It serves as a reminder of just how crappy 2004 was and makes me glad it's not four years ago again.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I Was Right! Kind Of!

Remember that "lost Amazonian tribe" that I wasn't convinced was real? Well, it sort of isn't real! And I'm now even more convinced that the photos are fakes too, and that this dude is just an overboard activist.

Just you wait, people! I will have bragging rights and it will be awesome.

Holy Crap

My book? Is 103 pages already. I've been writing it diligently for 2 months now and I had no idea it had gotten to that much. It breaks down to 28,253 words, and I'm told most YA books are about 40,000. So, I have roughly 40 more pages to write (who says I can't do algebra...with the help of a calculator?).

I can't believe it, seriously.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Look Out, Karen Carpenter! On the Drums, Not the Eating Disorder

Like, I just got back from another awesome night of Rock Band with Dexter and Vicki, and my fingers are actually tingling from all the drumming I did. And I am getting better -- using the easiest level, of course -- thanks to bands like Weezer, Radiohead, The Clash and Nirvana, whose drumming didn't make my arms want to fall off, a la The Police, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Aerosmith (all though our band did win their jet, which is helpful when playing dates that require crossing oceans. But the way I was playing on that one, I'm surprised we didn't get gifted with a canoe instead). I am now more determined than ever to break my 93% accuracy rating. By the power of Keith Moon and Phil Collins, I swear it will be done.

It's such a shame this thing wasn't out when I was a kid, because the neighborhood kids and I would've torn that shit up. I mean, tag and manhunt seem pretty lame in comparison, when you can be rocking out on "Mississippi Queen" at the age of 9...

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Shut Up, Schedule Makers

I'm in my yearly interleague exile, but I just have to spout off for a minute about the ridiculousness of Friday's upcoming day/night double header. The afternoon game at Yankee Stadium is the makeup for the Friday night Mets/Yankees game that was rained out in May -- which basically fucks over anyone who can't get Friday afternoon off. Who thought this up? Why couldn't it have been done during the actual weekend when more people would be able to go? Oh, wait, excuse me, Fox has their game scheduled for 3:55 on Saturday and I guess it's too awkward a time to schedule another game around. God forbid they do what's best for the fans, you know? But Sunday? Why not then? Because Friday at 2 p.m.? REALLY?

I swear to god, I'm becoming more and more convinced that the league is run by idiots.

When is the revolution?

Friday, June 20, 2008

But Would You LET Them Kiss You All Over?

So I'm walking away from writing the book for a moment because I got distracted by the Time Life Soft Rock infomercial (you know, the one with Air Supply -- YEAH!), particularly the snippet for the song "Kiss You All Over" by Exile. I used to think it was just an awesomely kitschy song. Now I am majorly freaked out:

First of all, is it me or is the long-haired guy in a completely different video/band/universe all together? Second, is that Dennis Eckersley on bass? Third, why are there two keyboards? Did the keyboardist with the long-ass mullet and creepily dead eyes wander in from some cult meeting and brainwash the band into letting him play?

So confused. So much so that I'm greatly intrigued by the H20 Mop, whose infomercial followed this freaktasticness...

Thursday, June 19, 2008


So I just got back from Benhihana in Midtown, and... Hideki Matsui was NOT there. The hell? After all those Yankee radio commercials convincing me that he, like, lives there, I found this quite vexing. I mean, would he really be eating at another New York City establishment? I didn't think so.

Maybe he was at the one in Short Hills. Yes, that has to be it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Baseball's Best Unscripted Drama

From the people who brought you The Hills, now there's The Boroughs! Starring everyone's favorite schemer, Jeff Wilpon, and everyone's favorite idiot, Hank Steinbrenner. Represented here by Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge. Special appearance by Jessica Wakefield (as Omar Minaya).

Scene: A chi-chi restaurant on the Upper East Side.

OMG, Hank, I totally fired Willie yesterday.

Did you, like, do it by text message?

Slaps forehead Why didn't I think of that? But I did make him fly out to the West Coast and then fired him, like, in the dead of night. After humilitating me at the biggest party of the year, the playoffs, it was the best thing I could think of.

You are so fierce!

I know!

But at least your staff ace isn't out until September. I mean, how immature is the National League? They make their pitchers hit? It's, like, so last season.


No offense!

You're lucky I'm still on my detox high. I've cleansed my system of all that is bad.

Like Willie!

LOL, he was totally the source of my problems. Now the team will TOTALLY win. It was all his fault anyway.

Listen, JW, I totally have to get back to the Stadium. Leave Brian alone with the team too long and he'll think he's general manager or something. GOD. Toodles!

Later! Picks up phone and dials.

Picture 1
What up, biatch?

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Omar, we, like totally have to bring Hank down. He just totally dissed the National League just now. He said our uniforms are SO last season.

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GASP! How totally ignorant! What are we going to do?

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Do you happen to have Joe Torre's number?

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Ooh, I like where this is going....

When Did the Girls fromThe Hills Take Over New York Baseball Ownership?

Seriously, the immature antics of both ownerships in the last two days makes me wonder...

Monday, June 16, 2008

Rainy Day in June

So, this evening as I'm leaving work, I look to the west and see this mass of giant, dark clouds quickly making their way over the isle of Manhattan. Seriously, it looked as if Satan himself was going to reach down and bitchslap some people. I knew I had only a mere few minutes to get to the PATH before I got soaked (it looked like it was going to be one of those rains where an umbrella doesn't even help) and I even jogged at some points (in my flip-flops) to ensure that I'd have a dry ride home, which I did. By the time I got home, the streets were soaked and it was about 15 degrees cooler. It was THAT kind of storm. But that's not what I'm posting about.

What I'm posting about? The people who were all "la la la, nice summer's evening, strollin' through the city," completely oblivious to the fact that the sky was going to open up. I mean, maybe they like getting wet or something, but geez, it was blatant that all hell was going to break loose in a matter of moments and they were content to walk slooooowly. Not that I expected running and screaming of Armaggedonish proportions, but you know, you might want to seek shelter or something. The weather wasn't being all ninja like and stealth -- nay, it was like, "here I come, bitchez" so people couldn't feign ignorance.

Maybe they were about to embrace their inner Gene Kellys and sing in the rain. Yes, that's what I'm going to tell myself.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Note to Self

No matter how much money Disney throws at you, never, ever, EVER let them get their hands on the movie rights to your book, should said book "make it." The complete atrocity that is The Princess Diaries, which, aside from borrowing names, completely ignores the wondefulness of the books, is your measuring stick for what Disney does to things.

And note to reader: If you've never read The Princess Diaries series, get to it. Sure, it's YA, but you will truly enjoy yourself. Trust me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Kinship With 23

Today I had this very strange realization that I think I know exactly how Don Mattingly felt in October of 1996. Or something.

Also, despite the drop in humidity, my apartment is holding steady at 85 degrees. But that's because I have a literal hot stove that I'm convinced keeps things a good 5-10 degrees warmer. Except in winter, when it's actually, like, needed. Bah.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Nature's Wrath! Jersey City Edition

So I've been waiting for these alleged storms that are supposed to cool things off to roll in, and at one point this evening, I walked into my 90-degree kitchen and saw lots and lots of lightning. So I recorded it. This is the point where it starts to get a little nutty with the wind. In like the last 8 seconds you'll hear this weird roar, and it's not the rain, it's just the wind changing direction in freaktastic fashion. Suffice it to say, I took it as my cue to step away from the window.

So far it does not feel any cooler. What good is violent weather if it's not going to chase the heat away?

Monday, June 09, 2008


Since when does a horse have to have a physical ailment to lose a race? Christ, this has been the most obnoxious coverage of a non-Triple Crown winner ever. I don't remember any of the other horses getting this analyzed after not pulling it out. I don't know if this is just national media boredom or what, but, damn, GET OVER IT.

Also, I think they're disappointed that he wasn't hurt so the whole "dark cloud over horse racing" story couldn't be trotted out again. Everything has to be an effing scandal these days — everywhere — and I just want my sports to be about what's going on on the field/track/court/whathaveyou. There's enough drama in real life, thank you very much.

Sunday, June 08, 2008


This is my first time living without central air conditioning since I was 12. I mean, my two years in the college dorms was AC-free too, but I think I've blocked that out. Anyway, thanks to my parents, there's an AC unit now in the living room and thanks to the help of Dexter and Vicki there's one in the bedroom.


This means the bathroom, kitchen and entry way are sans coolness. Want to know how hot it is outside today? Well, just look at the indoor temp (the red dial on the bottom), and that should tell you something:

Picture 1

Yes, friends, the thermostat indoor temp reader can't even comprehend how hot it is inside, because it doesn't go that high.

That's hot.

I seriously hope it's not this bad for the rest of the summer, because if it's only June and it's this hot already, I'm frightened to know what it's going to be like in August. For reals.

Am I Less Brainy for Moving?

Per U.S. News, The brainiest places to retire:

* Ann Arbor, Mich.
* Berkeley, Calif.
* Boulder, Colo.
* Brookline, Mass.
* Chapel Hill, N.C.
* Hoboken, N.J.
* Lake Oswego, Ore.
* Reston, Va.
* Upper St. Clair, Pa.
* West Lafayette, Ind.

I have no clue how Hoboken is "brainier" than any of the boroughs or anywhere else in New Jersey for that matter, but I don't know if I'd retire there. Maybe, oh, because YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE ASTRONOMICAL RENTS ON SOCIAL SECURITY. God, I can't afford it now with an actual salary coming in...

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Well, That Sucked

But what gets me most? Is that the focus has to be on the horse that didn't win, instead of the big-ass underdog who did, after running a hell of a race (and why didn't I bet on him? $79 off a $2 bet -- argh!). Like, when are people going to realize that these are animals who are just running because it's what they do, not because they know there's something on the line? But they do this every time there's a Triple Crown hopeful, as if it's some big shock when another horse actually wins in a sport where there's no such thing as a sure thing.


The Saturday Game "Ha-Ha, You're Not There" Hex is Back In Full Effect

But I don't mind. Much.

What a fucking game — so ugly it was hot. Or something.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Quote of the Night

"Yeah!! Ten-dollar strikeout!" -- Steph, upon a Miguel Olivo strike out, in response to the loud-ass Royals fan behind us who would constantly say "That's a ten thousand dollar strikeout!" whenever a high-priced Yankee whiffed.

Putting on My Ms. Cleo Hat

Tomorrow, Big Brown will become the most boringly named Triple Crown winner in history, and won't have to be euthanized after.

And if Big Brown, Denis of Cork and Casino Drive Tale of Ekati* finish 1, 2, 3, in any order, well, I'll be a winner, thanks to the OTB. (And, per Ken, my Lifetime movie, detailing my gambling addiction and subsequent prostitution ring, will be titled From Copy to Casinos: The Karen Bischer Story. I am sure the intervention scene is going to be Emmy worthy.)

*Special thanks to Hopbitters for alerting me to the scratch. It enabled(!) me to take the 5 minute ride into Lower Manhattan and change my bet, only missing two innings of the Yankee game. Since it was a $12 bet all together, I wasn't just going to let this one go.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why Do I Heart My Workplace?

Because my department members rule.

That is all.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Myow-M-Myow People, Myow-M-Myow Trihiiiibe

I currently have Paul Revere and the Raiders' "Cherokee Nation," sung in the style of Henrietta the Cat from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, in my head.

Don't ask.

In Which I Am A Corporate (Seat) Whore (And it Rules)

So when Steph called me on Monday night, saying her cousin with the awesomest seats ever had an extra ticket to Tuesday night's game and would I be interested in going, all I can say is my novel kind of HAD to take a backseat for the evening. Because when your seats are, oh, seven rows behind homeplate, and you've, like, never sat that close before (save for three innings behind the visitor's dugout), it's like, yeah. How do you say no to any of this?:




And good lord did I make the right choice. Because even if they lost in abysmal fashion (thanks in part to the bullpen God forgot), I am probably never sitting in seats so good ever again, at least at the current Yankee Stadium. Little old broke-ass copy editors like myself cannot really swing $400 day-of-game seats, you know? And since it was Joba's first start and the place was jazzed at the outset and there was a Bruce Springsteen-themed Sound Man (did they know Steph and I were coming?), and the scoreboard operators had fun adding faux mustaches to Giambi and Damone's photos, and we were so close we could smell the hose water, and Steph got to wish Harlan Chamberlain good luck, and A-Rod looked right at me (I think), and El Capitan tied Mantle for third in Yankee career hits (which is kind of sick, when you think about it), well, it was still a good night.

Some photo evidence (and it may seem a little A-Rod/Jeter-centric, but it seemed everyone else stayed closer to the dugout when in the on-deck circle):

Are you there God? It's me, A-Rod.

The Journal is just happy to be there

Angled A-Rod
Angled Jeter
Two of my fave shots of the night.

Patient JeterIMG_2456
The Waiting is the Hardest Part. Cuing Steph on the "Yeah, yeah"s

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Holy effing seats, batman!

Monday, June 02, 2008

Your Recommended Daily Allowance of Cheese, Right Here

Have you ever stalked down the street while wearing a beret and too-tight jeans, gotten your friends to follow you in proper V formation, acting as if you were heading somewhere to like, fight, only to end up... in someone's attic for band rehearsal?

No? Well the guys of Survivor did!

I don't know what I like best: The guys with the huge glasses and mullet or the fact that by the time they're "performing" (if wind-machine-blown-mylar designates a performance, that is) they're all "dressed up" and later soaking wet for no apparent reason.

Either way. Awesome.